Only child is lonely

[Anonymous]

Could you talk to the parents of the boys he does enjoy spending time with and try to work out a weekly kid swap for the summer. Something along the lines of Johnny will come over to our house every Tuesday and your son will go to Johnny's house every Thursday. The day you have the boys try to have a structured activity in your back pocket but first let them try to entertain themselves. This would give you two days of interaction for your son and one day for you to relax and get tasks done that are hard to do with your son around. Often times you just have to ask other parents and you will find out they have the same challenges that you do.

If every week doesn't work for someone try for every other week.

Do you have any younger kids in the neighborhood? When my son was 9 we figured out that he was really good with kids in the 3-5 age group. He could keep them entertained for at least an hour at a time. Maybe you could help him find a mother's helper job. Many stay at home parents would be thrilled with the idea of having a little extra help with a small child in the afternoon so they could get dinner ready.

[Anonymous]

Move to my neighborhood. (Capitol Hill.) Last night my DD came inside to finish her dinner, which she'd been eating on the patio, because "We have NO privacy!" A bunch of neighboring kids had been talking/trying to play with her and she wanted to eat in peace!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soon if not already, he should be old enough to bike to friends' houses that are farther afield.

Our generation of parents with cell phones has inadvertently taken away some of our children's agency in planning their social lives. At age 9, I was often using our land line phone to call friends and make plans. Maybe hand your kid your phone and let him call his friend's parent or babysitter to set up more play dates.

This.

Our only (8) rides her bike or walks to neighbors houses and knocks on the door the old fashioned way.

What would you do if this weren't an option? For example: a busy urban neighborhood where kids are not out biking and knocking on doors? Or a neighborhood that's all apartments, kid goes to private school, no friends live nearby?

Move to a neighborhood with more kids? Public school so his classmates are neighbors?

The solution isn’t to have more kids. The solution is to change your living situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put him in lots of fun activities including sleep away summer camp.

This. Our 7yo is involved in aftercare activities like yoga, and also does Girl Scouts, a sport, and plays an instrument. Keeps her busy, and she now has friend groups from the various activities. She also just loves playing with her friends in aftercare.

Is your son involved in any extracurriculars? Our kid is actually a bit more introverted and pretty good at entertaining herself, but since she's in aftercare, there's not much time to get bored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to my neighborhood. (Capitol Hill.) Last night my DD came inside to finish her dinner, which she'd been eating on the patio, because "We have NO privacy!" A bunch of neighboring kids had been talking/trying to play with her and she wanted to eat in peace!

Yes, i was going to suggest this as well. Do you live in the city, OP? It might be a great idea to move if you can. I live in AU Park and 90% of kids' friends and classmates live within a square mile or two. By age 10 or so, my kids were biking independently to friends' houses (plus there are about 10 kids on our block). Also, MANY families have one kid. Much higher rate of only children than in the suburbs. So there are lots of families/kids who are looking for playmates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move to my neighborhood. (Capitol Hill.) Last night my DD came inside to finish her dinner, which she'd been eating on the patio, because "We have NO privacy!" A bunch of neighboring kids had been talking/trying to play with her and she wanted to eat in peace!

Yes, i was going to suggest this as well. Do you live in the city, OP? It might be a great idea to move if you can. I live in AU Park and 90% of kids' friends and classmates live within a square mile or two. By age 10 or so, my kids were biking independently to friends' houses (plus there are about 10 kids on our block). Also, MANY families have one kid. Much higher rate of only children than in the suburbs. So there are lots of families/kids who are looking for playmates.

I'm the PP with the 7yo, and while we live in a different DC neighborhood, this has been our experience too. Having an only child really seems NBD here.

[Anonymous]

DS is a 6 year old only. He would love to have more time playing with kids but there is a limit to what we can arrange and want to do. He has play dates pretty regularly on Sunday and hangs out with kids at baseball, Cub Scouts, and an after school enrichment of his choice. We don't have play dates after school, he needs to finish his homework (it only takes 10 minutes) have a snack, and a bit of down time before his activity. Fridays is an after school playdate until 5ish.

I have no problem telling my child that he has a room full of toys, a play room, and two other areas that contain toys in the family common areas. He can go use any of those or chill in his room or on the couch. Once I have chores done and if I am not making dinner I will join him in his play room down stairs while he plays, I read. I am happy to help creating with LEGOs, marble runs, blocks and the like but I suck at imaginary play.

I don't see it as my job to entertain my DS. He would be happy to have extra time with friends but it doesn't fit our schedule and his friends parents don't like how play dates after school because they get overly tired. He is learning how to be bored.

We do schedule something on the weekends, either a play date or a hike or the pool or tennis, but he still has down time. He is getting better with it, reading more or playing in the room near where I am working.

So maybe you just need to be more consistent with your extrovert that she needs to learn how to entertain herself and/or be bored.

[Anonymous]

OP I saw one person posted about sleep away summer camp and I feel like this could be so great for your kid. I was an extroverted kid and I LOVED sleep away camp. My sister went for 6 weeks when she was older. It gives a really wonderful sense of community and the interaction is constant, so for summer time, maybe next year (if it feels too late this year) you could find one that could be a good fit long term that he could keep going to year after year and increase the amount of weeks over time (not implying you were trying to get him away from home, just think he'd have fun!). Someone posted about the Burgandy Center for Wildlife studies camp in another thread the other day and I wrote it down as it sounded like a great place.

Also any interest in swimming? Are you a member of a community pool? That can be great for just letting kids loose and them being able to run around ALL DAY with pool friends.

I'm sorry OP, I imagine this has to be really hard emotionally, but do know that like others have said a sibling doesn't guarantee a playmate. It sounds like you're providing a wonderful childhood for your son and kids will always "want" for something that they see others have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe take a bit of solace in this. I've got two kids, 7 and 9. One is an introvert and one is an extrovert. I'm not going to deny that they are good playmates for each other, because they are. But the introvert needs a lot of time to himself and it drives the extrovert CRAZY. She has a built in playmate who won't play with her half the time because he wants to read or listen to music or whatever else BY HIMSELF. It sounds like you are doing a great job of giving her lots of social opportunities. Recognize you are doing your best and give yourself a break.

Same here. Younger DD feels constantly rejected by older DD’s desire for quiet alone time. A sibling is not a magic perfect answer.

[Anonymous]

First off, don't feel like you owe your kid a sibling. You don't. Please don't feel guilty about that, or for raising him in an area with few kids.

Find his passions and max those out. He likes baseball? Join a local team, go to AAA games and have him bring a friend, go to baseball camp in the summer. If not baseball sub in swimming, coding, yoga, whatever. Does your school have enrichment or scouts? Have him pick a few after-school activities and do them. They cost money but are cheaper than a second child.

--Mom of an only, extroverted 7-year-old

[Anonymous]

I have an extroverted only. We do playdates when we can. Our kid is also in aftercare at school, which she loves because it's time to play with friends. Organized activities can help, but free play time is also important, and aftercare provides that.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling of guilt, OP but he wouldn't have another 9 year old boy unless you had had twins. In reality he could have a 6 year old girl or whatever. Not saying the hypothetical younger sibling, male or female, wouldn't have been a great playmate, but theres no way of knowing that for sure. He may have had all the same issues even with a bunch of younger siblings - only you'd be way more tied up and less able to host playdates.

[Anonymous]

My 8yo is good friends with 2 only children. The parents are always inviting and taking my 8yo. I am grateful because he is the middle child. I always mean to reciprocate more but we are busy juggling sports.

Is your child in any sports? Cub scouts?

I posted a thread recently about being overwhelmed with 3 kids and all their activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe take a bit of solace in this. I've got two kids, 7 and 9. One is an introvert and one is an extrovert. I'm not going to deny that they are good playmates for each other, because they are. But the introvert needs a lot of time to himself and it drives the extrovert CRAZY. She has a built in playmate who won't play with her half the time because he wants to read or listen to music or whatever else BY HIMSELF. It sounds like you are doing a great job of giving her lots of social opportunities. Recognize you are doing your best and give yourself a break.

Keep things like this in mind, OP, and don't let yourself feel guilty. Your DS doesn't want a sibling and everything that comes with it, your DS wants a live in friend who is always happy and willing to play. And like another PP said, some people have a bottomless well for socializing. They can socialize all day and then complain about being lonely during the 60 minutes between dinner and bedtime.

Also don't feel guilty about the times that your DS has to play alone. That is a skill. He won't ALWAYS have a companion, and you want him to be able to function and thrive when he is alone as well. Just like parents of introverts may need to nudge their kids to join more activities and have more experiences, parents of extroverts may need to nudge their kids to entertain themselves.

[Anonymous]

Seriously consider adoption.
It could be good on so many levels.