“You need to have another kid!”

[Anonymous]

Please stop saying this. I have an only mostly by choice, but also because I developed two difficult autoimmune diseases after I gave birth to my son and I physically wouldn’t be able to handle another pregnancy/period of sleep deprivation/running around after a toddler period of time. The people who have said this know about my chronic illnesses, not that it’s acceptable to say that in any situation.

I think the next time these people are whining about having to be in multiple places at once, coordinating carpools, sibling rivalry etc I’ll tell them that they really shouldn’t have had that second or third kid. Why does judgment of one’s reproductive choices have to be a one way street, right?

[Anonymous]

You are taking a throw away comment way too seriously. Just come back with some breezy response -- ha ha, not in this lifetime! -- or whatever would work for you and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are taking a throw away comment way too seriously. Just come back with some breezy response -- ha ha, not in this lifetime! -- or whatever would work for you and move on.

I think OP has her breezy response. “Sounds like you really shouldn’t have had that second kid!” works perfectly as a throw away comment that people shouldn’t take way too seriously, right?

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. My mother and I both have different auto-immune diseases. I am an only child as a result of hers, and I was lucky enough to have two children before mine hit.

Invisible illnesses, like stealth financial or marital problems, by definition will not be acknowledged by your circle of friends. Unless you overshare, and some people do, it's not really their fault: society is wired to be very intrusive when it comes to pregnancy, birth and family size (see latest idiocy in Alabama). The urge to procreate is what makes species survive, quite literally, and Homo Sapiens is no exception. Centuries of etiquette cannot wipe that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are taking a throw away comment way too seriously. Just come back with some breezy response -- ha ha, not in this lifetime! -- or whatever would work for you and move on.

I think OP has her breezy response. “Sounds like you really shouldn’t have had that second kid!” works perfectly as a throw away comment that people shouldn’t take way too seriously, right?

Well, the alternative is to be a TMI victim and explain all their woes about their disease. Lots of people have problems that prevent them from doing lots of things. Nobody wants to hear about it. It's just small talk, and you answer with small talk. Or just make everything full of drama and stress if that's what you prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are taking a throw away comment way too seriously. Just come back with some breezy response -- ha ha, not in this lifetime! -- or whatever would work for you and move on.

I think OP has her breezy response. “Sounds like you really shouldn’t have had that second kid!” works perfectly as a throw away comment that people shouldn’t take way too seriously, right?

no, not really. but you already know that.

[Anonymous]

We have an only child, and I really have no excuse not to have another one except that we just really, really don't want to. But people CONTINUE to ask me 'if we're going to give DD a sibling' on and on and on.

My co-workers: first they hounded me about my long-time boyfriend and our marriage plans, then four years of 'where's that kid?', now 'where's the second one?' It NEVER ENDS!

I just say "All we wanted was one good one, and we got her!" Or "I couldn't live through some of those nights again!" Or "How about you, any more?" Or "Where are those grandkids?"

They never ask me about my strategic ideas for the business, or how I feel about current economic conditions impacting our business lines. Just because I'm a young(ish) woman, all I must be thinking about is bearing children! Nope.

[Anonymous]

We are one and done NOT by choice. I'm sick of this, too. We had a hard enough time having DD as it is (years of fertility treatments), and even the people who know of our struggles with infertility and loss STILL make this comment.

Also, as an only child myself, sometimes it comes across like some people are insinuating that my family of origin isn't "valid" because there was just my parents and me.

I usually ignore and chalk it up to human nature, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt on occasion.

[Anonymous]

I promise you it is being said as an offhand comment. Don’t internalize it. How do I know? Because I have seven kids and people still say “time for another one!” You feel like it’s because you have only one, but it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an only child, and I really have no excuse not to have another one except that we just really, really don't want to. But people CONTINUE to ask me 'if we're going to give DD a sibling' on and on and on.

My co-workers: first they hounded me about my long-time boyfriend and our marriage plans, then four years of 'where's that kid?', now 'where's the second one?' It NEVER ENDS!

I just say "All we wanted was one good one, and we got her!" Or "I couldn't live through some of those nights again!" Or "How about you, any more?" Or "Where are those grandkids?"

They never ask me about my strategic ideas for the business, or how I feel about current economic conditions impacting our business lines. Just because I'm a young(ish) woman, all I must be thinking about is bearing children! Nope.

Strategic ideas for the business and current economic conditions is rather dull for most people. They're showing interest in you and your life. I swear, people here complain about anything that people say. Reading posts like this, or the one about sayings hated (where some people expressed that even "sorry for your loss" is not an adequate response to hearing about the death of a coworker's relative) makes it really, really hard to talk to people. Why does OP assume they are casting judgment? Why does pp assume the person must think she is only good for bearing children? It's just small talk, a way to connect, something to say, an attempt at friendliness. People, stop taking it all so seriously and finding negativity in everything!

[Anonymous]

Agree it’s just small talk. I have three and people ask me all the time if I’ll have another.

[Anonymous]

It's not quite "just small talk" when it's aimed at the parents of an only. It's a judgment on family size, intentional or not. Often the breezy "No, our family is all good!" reply is met with "oh, but it's so much easier when they are older" or "your child will just LOVE being an older sibling" or some variation of let me tell you why I'm right and your decision (or situation) is wrong.

it's super obnoxious. I'm a parent of an only not by choice and I just hate it. But I get it, before I knew I was going to have an only, I used to assume everyone wanted more and ask this same question. it's just one of those things that you hope people will be sensitive to, but as someone else said, it's hard wired in us not to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an only child, and I really have no excuse not to have another one except that we just really, really don't want to. But people CONTINUE to ask me 'if we're going to give DD a sibling' on and on and on.

My co-workers: first they hounded me about my long-time boyfriend and our marriage plans, then four years of 'where's that kid?', now 'where's the second one?' It NEVER ENDS!

I just say "All we wanted was one good one, and we got her!" Or "I couldn't live through some of those nights again!" Or "How about you, any more?" Or "Where are those grandkids?"

They never ask me about my strategic ideas for the business, or how I feel about current economic conditions impacting our business lines. Just because I'm a young(ish) woman, all I must be thinking about is bearing children! Nope.

maybe your strategic ideas suck and they are trying to fill in time. I certainly wouldn’t ask you about anything I cared about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stop saying this. I have an only mostly by choice, but also because I developed two difficult autoimmune diseases after I gave birth to my son and I physically wouldn’t be able to handle another pregnancy/period of sleep deprivation/running around after a toddler period of time. The people who have said this know about my chronic illnesses, not that it’s acceptable to say that in any situation.

I think the next time these people are whining about having to be in multiple places at once, coordinating carpools, sibling rivalry etc I’ll tell them that they really shouldn’t have had that second or third kid. Why does judgment of one’s reproductive choices have to be a one way street, right?

Mom of 7 back here and I just read this. You certainly don’t think judgment only goes to the families with one child, do you? Oh the stuff people say to me. It is most definitely not a one way street. There is enough judgment for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. When I was 4 months pg, my husband was diagnosed with something that has a low long-term survival rate. It was gut-wrenching and definitely led us to not want more potentially fatherless kids. It is painful when someone comments on it.

I usually respond with "if you want to pay for them, I'll consider it" or something flippant, but it does hurt my heart.