“You need to have another kid!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People just make comments for conversation and I have responded with "you need to have a third kid 3 is the new 2" or "too late to return your kid" and so on. These are all just offhand and not serious talk.

Too late to return your kid is not lol I am adopted and hated these comments. Do people consider how this “harmless banter” impacts the kids?

[Anonymous]

Team small talk. Most talk between casual friends is small talk. Stop taking it so seriously.

[Anonymous]

It's only small talk when they make one comment and then move on. It's a micro-aggression when they make a comment, you reply with an equally generic response and they keep pushing.

You need to have another kid!
--No, we're one and done and happy about it.
But Larla needs a little sister..."

The second and successive comments are no longer just small talk, they're rude. The first response will tell you whether they are open to that generic line of discussion. If they aren't, talk about something else, sports, weather, traffic, commute, weekend plans, etc.

We are older parents. We had kids late due to personal medical issues and we are usually the oldest parents in the peer group. We have twins and when people say that we usually answer "No thanks, we're two and through!" If someone decides to try and push it, then I have no problem making the second response more pointed like "No, I'd love to be able to see my kids graduate high school before I retire" or "I already have to plan for two college tuitions at one time, I can't afford three!"

So, for OP, I would give them one generic response and then if they push again, feel free to have some more pointed responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's only small talk when they make one comment and then move on. It's a micro-aggression when they make a comment, you reply with an equally generic response and they keep pushing.

You need to have another kid!
--No, we're one and done and happy about it.
But Larla needs a little sister..."

The second and successive comments are no longer just small talk, they're rude. The first response will tell you whether they are open to that generic line of discussion. If they aren't, talk about something else, sports, weather, traffic, commute, weekend plans, etc.

We are older parents. We had kids late due to personal medical issues and we are usually the oldest parents in the peer group. We have twins and when people say that we usually answer "No thanks, we're two and through!" If someone decides to try and push it, then I have no problem making the second response more pointed like "No, I'd love to be able to see my kids graduate high school before I retire" or "I already have to plan for two college tuitions at one time, I can't afford three!"

So, for OP, I would give them one generic response and then if they push again, feel free to have some more pointed responses.

This +1. And I'd also add if it's someone who knows your situation and still continues to push, then they don't get a first pass

[Anonymous]

We are one and done due to secondary infertility. Since we have a 4 year old, I get a lot of questions about having more.

When someone asks why we don't have more kids or when are we having a second, I say "I'd love to but unfortunately we can't have any more children." No one asks beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are taking a throw away comment way too seriously. Just come back with some breezy response -- ha ha, not in this lifetime! -- or whatever would work for you and move on.

I think OP has her breezy response. “Sounds like you really shouldn’t have had that second kid!” works perfectly as a throw away comment that people shouldn’t take way too seriously, right?

Yup.

PP, you’re awful.

[Anonymous]

I get this too, although less now that my son is 6. It will die down as he gets older I'm sure. I'm never offended, especially when someone just asks if we plan to have another. I'm pretty open about my life and would prefer to talk about actual things than a whole lot of nothing.

I DON'T love when people insist my son needs a sibling, and continues the inquiry when I try to politely steer the conversation. Even then though, the person means well and I don't take it personally. But not taking it personally is different than not getting sad. I got teary last time someone asked me and I had just miscarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get this too, although less now that my son is 6. It will die down as he gets older I'm sure. I'm never offended, especially when someone just asks if we plan to have another. I'm pretty open about my life and would prefer to talk about actual things than a whole lot of nothing.

I DON'T love when people insist my son needs a sibling, and continues the inquiry when I try to politely steer the conversation. Even then though, the person means well and I don't take it personally. But not taking it personally is different than not getting sad. I got teary last time someone asked me and I had just miscarried.

Yes, this.
I'm one of the PPs who has dealt with infertility and loss, and it is the insistence that my DD just HAS to have a sibling that bothers me. It isn't people asking us if we plan to have another, it is the people who insist that we must, for DD's sake. If only it was as easy as snapping my fingers and making it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People just make comments for conversation and I have responded with "you need to have a third kid 3 is the new 2" or "too late to return your kid" and so on. These are all just offhand and not serious talk.

Too late to return your kid is not lol I am adopted and hated these comments. Do people consider how this “harmless banter” impacts the kids?

+1. Rehoming is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People just make comments for conversation and I have responded with "you need to have a third kid 3 is the new 2" or "too late to return your kid" and so on. These are all just offhand and not serious talk.

Too late to return your kid is not lol I am adopted and hated these comments. Do people consider how this “harmless banter” impacts the kids?

+1. Rehoming is real.

Sorry no offense but this proves people see things only from their own colored perspective fwiw. Not talking about adoption and the context is you know the mom birthed their child and its too late to put them back into birth canal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People just make comments for conversation and I have responded with "you need to have a third kid 3 is the new 2" or "too late to return your kid" and so on. These are all just offhand and not serious talk.

Too late to return your kid is not lol I am adopted and hated these comments. Do people consider how this “harmless banter” impacts the kids?

+1. Rehoming is real.

Sorry no offense but this proves people see things only from their own colored perspective fwiw. Not talking about adoption and the context is you know the mom birthed their child and its too late to put them back into birth canal.

MTE.

[Anonymous]

I was recovering from a miscarriage and decided to go get my nails done to treat myself and of course my nail tech starts lecturing me about having another kid. I was so tempted to say "sure I'll get right on that but right now I'm passing blood clots from my miscarriage"

[Anonymous]

I used to say things like this when I was younger I'm sure but definitely since having kids and realizing how common secondary infertility, miscarriages, etc. are, or even just the number of people I know who just DON'T WANT ANOTHER KID I've stopped.

I have two, and I still get this sometimes. "Are you done? Will you try for a boy?" (we have two girls).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recovering from a miscarriage and decided to go get my nails done to treat myself and of course my nail tech starts lecturing me about having another kid. I was so tempted to say "sure I'll get right on that but right now I'm passing blood clots from my miscarriage"

This 100%. This is why people need to understand that your intent to not be rude does not erase the hurt your persistent words can cause. Doesn't matter if you were just thinking it was casual conversation. There are plenty of things to talk about. Not everyone has the choice to build their families in a way that it's just "oh, I'll have another kid...."

[Anonymous]

You are all too sensitive.

If someone tells you to have another kid tell them whatever makes you feel best. It’s not a taboo subject. I get some of us are dealing with infertility. Either bring it to friends attention or shrug off the statement with any number of deflections. This is so easy. I get some of you don’t want another kid. Then just say that. Or don’t. Jesus. None of us actually care that much about how many kids you have.

Telling someone to have another kid is an odd thing to do btw. It sounds like someone trying to be funny or trying to give a compliment. Just realize other people are generally good and have good intentions.