Question about parents with 'sporty' kids.

[Anonymous]

This is a question I want to ask the regular parents. This question is specifically about the parents who post in the 'soccer' forum, the parents that make their kids swim 5 days/week, the parents that make sure their kids are on travel teams for multiple sports, the dance moms....

Do you think it is all worth it in the end for these parents?

The endless practices, games, tournaments, travel among most sports. The 5am swims in the cold dark winter. Fretting and obsessing over which travel club and team is the best. Which 8 year old female player is better than the other, faster than the other, stronger than the other. Fighting with coaches for more play time, obsessing over stats, grabbing for resources, yelling at refs....

At such an early age, could the kid REALLY want this?

Very few make it to an elite athletic professional level and even then, is it so wonderful?

What is it all REALLY for?

Any thoughts appreciated.

[Anonymous]

From the dance mom perspective...no, it is not worth it.

We were in this world for only two years with a studio in a competitive environment, so practice times and weekend travel was fairly intense as you described.

What I learned was that the owners/coaches want to pretend that this is every kid's world and future. Most parents we met enjoyed supporting their kids and wanted them to improve and do well but were not interested in this as a career path for their 8-year-old. Many had a great experience on other teams. We had a really terrible experience with a coach who frequently made the girls cry and was demeaning and insulting to the team as a tactic for getting them to push their bodies past their limits. When my DD was having fun while putting in the work, it was worth the time and money. But when she started coming home every week in tears, it was ridiculous. I would love to say that bringing the concern to the owner fixed the problem, but it did not, as the owner simply used the meeting to praise the coach in question and reinforce that this was just a normal part of dance. This could be true. But we decided that, true or not, we were not willing to normalize that for our child.

Parents have to make their own decisions, but I caution that we should all be mindful of what is happening in closed practices and be sure to check in with your child about their mental well being. Beware of studios that talk of their studio as a FAMILY. They are not your family. (Not that intelligent people don't know this, already, but children are impressionable and may need reminders that you are their family, and if something doesn't feel right, they need to come to you.) Our experience was disappointing. And if our concerns had been addressed differently, we would still be there. Winning at any cost can become too important if you let it. But most parents have a good sense of how much is too much for their kid.

[Anonymous]

My kids are not "sporty" and I don't force it on them, but I absolutely know kids who choose to spend all their free time on sports at a very young kid. Some kids really love it and crave it. Just because your kid (and mine) doesn't want to give all his time to sports doesn't mean there aren't lots of kids who do.

And the parents I know who support their kids in this are not, for the most part, dreaming of the Olympics or the MLB or whatever. (I'm sure there are parents who are like that, but I don't know them.) They just want their kids to get really good at something they care about.

[Anonymous]

Do you think it is all worth it in the end for these parents?

It was worth it for my son, not for me, but I'm a parent and I parent the kid I got not the one I hoped for.
I rarely "fought for playing time"... I can think of 2 times I talked to the coach about my son being super unhappy about his "role" on the team... or position, not time.

At such an early age, could the kid REALLY want this?

He absolutely wanted it and more. He would even go to a friends "practice" to get more time playing and the coach let him because they were recreation and he played club and the coach thought the kids could learn from him... and he could walk there.

Very few make it to an elite athletic professional level and even then, is it so wonderful?

He did actually make it to an "elite" level... was it wonderful... no it was hard, grueling, hard on the body, insane... did he quite.. no, he is an adult and he can quit any time, yet he still plays.

As a parent, at times it was wonderful... to see your child dedicate himself to something so completely and perform at such a high level. Most the time I worry that he will fail or get hurt or both.

What is it all REALLY for?

It's his passion, I didn't choose it, I'm not even sure if he actually chose it... he was born this way.

[Anonymous]

We didn't make our kids do anything. Frankly I kind of wish on some days they were less obsessed.

For my son who is the dancer, I feel dance may protect him in ways school won't. He falls outside of the typical boy social norms in school but has found his tribe in competition dance. He is himself with his dance team in a way he can't be at school. Watching him blossom makes every crappy hotel room worth it.

I actually love the road trips with all of them. We are a close family and I credit in part that time on the road together.

[Anonymous]

I can speak to this as someone with a serious music kid. Think weekend lessons at Julliard, top-tier music camps, musical instruments that cost over ten thousand dollars and need to be insured, practicing four to five hours a day, etc.

Do you think it is all worth it in the end for these parents?

The endless practices, games, tournaments, travel among most sports. The 5am swims in the cold dark winter. Fretting and obsessing over which travel club and team is the best. Which 8 year old female player is better than the other, faster than the other, stronger than the other. Fighting with coaches for more play time, obsessing over stats, grabbing for resources, yelling at refs....

At such an early age, could the kid REALLY want this?
Yes. Kids who are that good learn super fast and they know that they are already at a very high level, and they enjoy that feeling of mastery. They are often frighteningly disciplined.

Very few make it to an elite athletic professional level and even then, is it so wonderful?
In the end, our kid didn't go the conservatory route but he soloed with his college orchestra, contributed to the orchestra. Has friends all over the world as a result of the music camps, competitions, got to travel rather extensively as a musician.

What is it all REALLY for?
Here's my honest answer. I was raised a similar way and it's really really great to have your kids busy and involved during those perilous teenaged years. Less time and inclination to get into trouble in other ways. THey learn really good skills in the areas of time management.

The discipline involved in playing an instrument at a high level (and presumably in doing a sport) translates well into the discipline needed to master math, engineering or a difficult foreign language. (Theyre good at handling boredom and doing things that are repetitive.) There are reasons why employers who don't actualy care about music or sports still like to see it on resumes -- because it says something about someone's ability to wake up early, work hard, compete, master multiple tasks, etc. (Unless of course they just faked the whole thing by posing on a rowing machine).

[Anonymous]

In some cases, it really is kid-driven. (Not always or even most of the time.) I have friends with skating kids, and the kids were the ones who have driven pretty much everything, including those notorious 5 am practices.

[Anonymous]

My neighbors have those kids/schedules. The kids (teenage boys) are the ones who are sports-crazy. They are a close knit family and I can only hope my kids are as well rounded, nice, and polite.

[Anonymous]

I have a lacrosse player (middle school) who is a fast runner and has energy to burn.

When he doesn't have practice, he is doing exercise at home.
I got him a fit bit and discovered 20K steps a day was typical.

We decided as a family to avoid teams that are so competitive that people cry or where coaches talk to kids in ways that are not consistent with the way our family talks to each other.

He has learned a lot about losing, but is happy to go to practice when he had it, and is not sad when it is rained out.

The math on people who invest in their kids to get a lacrosse scholarship seems to show if that $ for travel and private coaches had gone into a 529 plan, they would probably have another 15-20K to spend on college.

I had an athletic scholarship to college but had to "80s kid" my way through it (ride bikes to practice, have a job in HS to pay for camps and cleats) but it seems like supporting what your child wants to do, if you all enjoy it, makes sense. I like the travel tournaments and the parents on our teams, but the more competitive teams seem to have some parents who are more intense across the board. When my kid stopped asking about the seasons and try outs, we stopped pushing so hard. I tell my kid playing this sport in college could be fun, but is not the goal.

[Anonymous]

Mom of a sports kid here. We are not the pushy parents, at all. But our kid desperately wants to play travel soccer and travel BB and whatever else he can find that involves him being in constant motion and hanging around with friends. For him, the physical activity, competition (healthy - he smiles win or lose), and friendships are worth it.

But we’re probably not the level of sports parents you’re thinking about. That said, the parents we know that fit the description of at the pool every morning do it because it’s how their son burns his incredible excess energy as well. Some of these kids aren’t in it for the Olympics, they’re in it for the self-regulation (energy level, anxiety, attention issues, etc.). Sometimes a lot of exercise is really necessary for certain kids.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 9, 7, and 4 so I am not speaking from the perspective of having older kids. I am speaking from the perspective of being a D1 collegiate athlete myself though. First, D1 is like a job. I would be more likely to encourage my kids to do D3 unless they’re really superb, even at the college level (I wasn’t, and I doubt they will be, lol).

In general I support my kids doing sports. I think it teaches them good exercise habits to carry on through adulthood and it’s not the only way to gain leadership and teamwork skills but I think it’s a one of many good avenues for it.

My parents supported whatever I wanted to do (getting me there, etc.) but they didn’t tell me what to do. I try to do that. I think that’s the only way it works long term.

It depends how good the kids are and their desire level as to whether it’s worth it to do so many hours.

I don’t think I’m delusional about my kids’ abilities but I see some who are.

In general as an athlete myself I saw kids who were good at a younger age burn out and me beat them in high school so in general I know it’s for the long game but it’s still sometimes hard to talk yourself down when you see other kids doing more at a young age but I try to talk myself down.

[Anonymous]

If you dont have a kid who's inherently sports motivated, you won't get it. The vast majority of the time this is driven by the kid. I'm debating this now with DH as I have a kid who would play every sport, every day, all day and I don't want it to take over our family - that said, the benefits of sports can't be overstated, especially for an energetic boy.

It's a shame there isn't more middle ground in this area - playing with the kids picking daffodils vs 4 games / weekend day.

Do you feel the same about parents who push, say, violin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a sports kid here. We are not the pushy parents, at all. But our kid desperately wants to play travel soccer and travel BB and whatever else he can find that involves him being in constant motion and hanging around with friends. For him, the physical activity, competition (healthy - he smiles win or lose), and friendships are worth it.

But we’re probably not the level of sports parents you’re thinking about. That said, the parents we know that fit the description of at the pool every morning do it because it’s how their son burns his incredible excess energy as well. Some of these kids aren’t in it for the Olympics, they’re in it for the self-regulation (energy level, anxiety, attention issues, etc.). Sometimes a lot of exercise is really necessary for certain kids.

This is us, exactly, as well. - PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are not "sporty" and I don't force it on them, but I absolutely know kids who choose to spend all their free time on sports at a very young kid. Some kids really love it and crave it. Just because your kid (and mine) doesn't want to give all his time to sports doesn't mean there aren't lots of kids who do.

And the parents I know who support their kids in this are not, for the most part, dreaming of the Olympics or the MLB or whatever. (I'm sure there are parents who are like that, but I don't know them.) They just want their kids to get really good at something they care about.

I agree with this. My kids range from a "participation athlete" (i.e. rec. for fun) to a fairly good player, to one with considerable talent. I have seen that the burden associated with talent and playing at a higher level have taken a toll on my child, to the point where he wants to quit before he realized the goals he had at the start. Still, I'm more about "life lessons through sports" than I am about any future aspirations. What is most difficult, even for reasonable parents who aren't planning on pro careers or college scholarships, is finding the right level of a sport where your kids can be happy and engaged. Too often, you have to choose between giving up everything in your life but the sport or playing rec or even worse, playing on a rec. level "travel" team. It is hard to find the middle ground.

As the PP said, there are kids for whom their sport is their entire life and their desire drives family decisions.

I have a confession which really answers the OP's question. You know the kid I said was talented at his sport but hates the pressure and time commitment? I force him to continue playing because otherwise, it would be video games 24/7. Some days he loves it; others are a chore. He has been given the opportunity to choose any other activity in place of his current sport, as long as he is interested in it and will commit to it, at least temporarily. He claims to "hate" everything, so he is being held to the commitment he made to his team. I am not completely sure all of this is worth it, but as parents, we would rather watch him developing his talent and learning to win. lose and overcome obstacles through sports rather that policing how he spends excessive free time and fighting about video games. He is learning to manage his time and honor commitments.

I also think that much of this is about preserving opportunities for kids. For sports like gymnastics, skating, swimming, or even soccer, you can't take them up at an older age and hope to play at a high level. You have to start young. Most of us crazy sports parents had sports crazed kids who, at a young age, exhibited a fierce love for a sport. Over the years, the time, injuries, politics, travel, money, and other negatives take their toll. That's when we doubt whether it is worth it and our kids waver in their commitment. Still, I'm not sure what I would change. My kids have great friends they made through sports and they have learned many lessons. One of my kids quit a sport that is extremely time-consuming beginning at a young age, and all of us learned a great deal both from participating in the sport and the process of leaving the sport. I can tell you that I'm a better parent because of that experience, as it gave me a chance to support my child in making a difficult decision without making it for her.

And over the years, we as a family have made friends, traveled, and spent time together. Any given bad day I might say it isn't worth it, but there have been many positives.

[Anonymous]

The parents who post about their 10yo’s soccer team, and rivals, and prospects, are obviously obsessed-unhealthily so—with it all.

It’s not healthy. Even if it’s child driven, it’s not healthy for the parent to be so consumed by it. Kids feel that. You don’t want your child’s identity to be entirely the sport they play. Nor do you want your kid to believe they have to continue for dad’s sake.