S/o - feeling exploited by your spouse

[Anonymous]

I’m curious. For those of you in same sex marriages, and particularly if you have kids, what is the division of labor like in your house as compared to who works which job and each spouse’s income. I’ll start: lesbian married couple with two kids, ages 1.5 and 6. DW works from home, I WOH. We make similar incomes but she freelances so the whole family is on my insurance. I would say division of labor is pretty much right down the middle, from mom stuff to household chores.

Without gender roles and expectations tainting anything, I’m wondering how this pans out for others.

[Anonymous]

lesbian couple with 2 middle schoolers. DW makes much more than I do, but has greater flexibility (works from home some days, can flex her schedule to do after school activity pickups, etc.) The division is generally pretty equitable, but ebbs and flows based on our work responsibilities. Because of her ability to flex, she often can drive them to sports practice and therefore gets the kids fed before she takes them (and before I ever get home.) But there have been points in her career that she traveled a lot (30%) which shifted responsibility solely to me during those weeks (about 1 week/month.)

Household stuff is fairly equal - though she probably takes on more of it because she has a lower tolerance for clutter/mess.

We are also both very involved in leadership activities for the kids' school/teams.

[Anonymous]

Gay male couple. 3 elementary age. We don’t really divide labor like that. We are a team and household work, school events, dealing with contractors is handled by whom a particular task makes sense to handle. We communicate a lot. That said I despise taking out the trash.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian couple one kid, now divorced. When I was married I always said things worked best when we each felt like we were doing 60% of the work. When we moved in togethert, I was in grad school and would do more of the cooking, cleaning, errands because I had a flexible schedule and was often around during the day. I feel like that set a bad pattern and even after I got a big job, I still did more of the household stuff. My ex sometimes did about half (once after getting lectured by her grandmother), but I was always happier when it was closer to 50/50 and she felt happier when I did 70 or 80%. She still did more than a lot of straight guys I know, but I think many queer relationships are not actually that equal in terms of household stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian couple one kid, now divorced. When I was married I always said things worked best when we each felt like we were doing 60% of the work. When we moved in togethert, I was in grad school and would do more of the cooking, cleaning, errands because I had a flexible schedule and was often around during the day. I feel like that set a bad pattern and even after I got a big job, I still did more of the household stuff. My ex sometimes did about half (once after getting lectured by her grandmother), but I was always happier when it was closer to 50/50 and she felt happier when I did 70 or 80%. She still did more than a lot of straight guys I know, but I think many queer relationships are not actually that equal in terms of household stuff.

Op here. Do you think this is the case because one spouse earns more, or because there are other "masculine" vs "feminine" stereotypes that either person fulfills, or something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian couple one kid, now divorced. When I was married I always said things worked best when we each felt like we were doing 60% of the work. When we moved in togethert, I was in grad school and would do more of the cooking, cleaning, errands because I had a flexible schedule and was often around during the day. I feel like that set a bad pattern and even after I got a big job, I still did more of the household stuff. My ex sometimes did about half (once after getting lectured by her grandmother), but I was always happier when it was closer to 50/50 and she felt happier when I did 70 or 80%. She still did more than a lot of straight guys I know, but I think many queer relationships are not actually that equal in terms of household stuff.

Op here. Do you think this is the case because one spouse earns more, or because there are other "masculine" vs "feminine" stereotypes that either person fulfills, or something else?

In my case it was the something else category. And I'm not sure exactly what that something else was-maybe some combination of class and personality. I have known gay couples where they divide tasks along pretty straight-style gender lines, and other couples where one person has the big job and the other person becomes the default parent.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP where DW makes more than twice what I make, but has greater flexibility. We are both femme. There are certain things that we are each responsible for because they fall into areas we are most comfortable (home repair, medical issues with the kids, communication with school/homework, etc.) And if one can't do it, the other does (ie. DW always take the kids to the dentist because she can flex her schedule to do it.) But if the dishwasher needs to be unloaded or kids' baseball uniforms need to be cleaned, it is whoever is home and can get it done. We either grocery shop together on the weekend or one of us will go based on what is going on.

Becoming the default parent is really based on our work schedules. If DW is working from home, she will pause to make dinner and drive to sports and I will pick up on my way home. But if she has all day meetings in DC or is traveling, than I do it.

But also, now that the kids are older, they do a lot of their own laundry, empty dishwasher, mow the grass, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But also, now that the kids are older, they do a lot of their own laundry, empty dishwasher, mow the grass, etc.

Well, whatever you did there I'd love to know the secret!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But also, now that the kids are older, they do a lot of their own laundry, empty dishwasher, mow the grass, etc.

Well, whatever you did there I'd love to know the secret!

My kids are older 6th and 8th grades. They have always been responsible for household chores (clearing the table, sorting socks, picking up the playroom, cleaning their rooms, etc.) And as they have gotten older, we've increased expectations. They aren't 100% responsible for their own laundry, but I might toss a load in before I leave for work and text them when they get home to put in the dryer and then fold/put away. Or we start the dishwasher before we leave in the AM and then text them and ask them to empty it when they get home from school. If we are all working on the yard, one will mow and the other will weed. They are expected to participate as part of our family. They don't get an allowance for chores because we feel these tasks are part of living in our home and are everyone is expected to pitch in. They do get weekly money for learning money management.

Start early and with small tasks. Increase the tasks as they get older. You will need to teach them how to do things, but in the end, it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Why should same sex marriage be different than any other marriage? As Chris Rock said, “Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”

[Anonymous]

Gay male couple. We fight about this a lot. We work similar long hours (I maybe work a little more day-to-day but DH travels for work more to it ends up evening out). I make way more (we could live off my income alone). Neither have much flexibility. Our fight is that DH wants us to do everything ourselves where I am happy to outsource. So DH does a lot more and sometimes complains about it but a lot of what he does I would prefer to hire someone or let our very competent nanny handle it. E.g., I would be glad to have the cleaners come twice a week and then never lift a finger to sweep or vacuum, DH insists we don’t need the help then complains about how much time he spends sweeping and vacuuming. DH wants to be the one to take the kids to all their random appointments while I am fine having the nanny take them to the dentist or get antibiotics for the latest ear infection (I agree a parent should be there if they need to see a specialist or something, but for most stuff it’s not worth it for us to rush out of work and then spend the entire night catching up). DH tries to make it to every little appointment but then he gripes about having to be up late WAH to make it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should same sex marriage be different than any other marriage? As Chris Rock said, “Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”

Did you read this thread at all?

It's about not having pre-conceived gender roles/expectations that very obviously exist in heterosexual marriages. There are a million threads about that on this forum, ranging from parenting concerns to household chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should same sex marriage be different than any other marriage? As Chris Rock said, “Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.”

Also, this is the LGBTQ discussion forum, so if you don't have anything productive to add, gurl bye.