Tired of the rollercoaster and snide remarks

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for about 10 years. We have two kids. We’ve dealt with the usual issues- debates and difficulties over children, money, the house— and through it all, I’ve been patient, a good partner and kind. DH has good days and bad days. He can be kind one day then later that day, throws out a snide comment. For example, we went to dinner the other night. We started talking about vacation plans and long story short, a simple suggestion I had was met with a snide comment about money. Then for the rest of the meal he responded two a few emails from work saying, “Sorry but I need to deal with these ASAP.”

The night started out great. He’s hardly interested in date nights and I’m the one who suggests them most of the time unless it’s a movie HE wants to see or a restaurant HE wants to try.

Yes, divorce has crossed my mind. Sure, I worry about the kids but sometimes I think if I recorded one of these negative interactions and showed it to my kids one day they’d say, ah yes Mom, I get why you had to do it.

Oh, and I don’t think he’s go the counseling route. He’s not big on apologies. What else could I do other than divorce? First date night for he next 10 years and avoid long conversations? I need to fix this. We are in our 40s. He is who he is.

[Anonymous]

First off, snide comments aren’t for divorce. Sounds like a communication problem that could be fixed. Did you even tell him how you felt about the comment? He isn’t a mind reader. Also, we don’t know what YOU said before hand. Could be relevant

[Anonymous]

In the example you gave, was his snide comment just his sense of humor? Does he not want to go on vacation? Have you not budgeted for vacation? It seems you are going to have to read between the lines with him. When calm, can you tell him his comments hurt your feelings?

[Anonymous]

You are so far from needing a divorce but you need to figure out how to talk and spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Are you constantly spending money with no awareness of the budget?

[Anonymous]

yep OP, its all about you. And I'm sure that all your difficulties in your marriage are his fault, you're deserving of sainthood.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to know your husband's side of the story

[Anonymous]

Best approach is direct approach.

DH: Snide Comment
You: Your snide comment isn't appreciated or acceptable. If you have something to say, get on with it.
DH: I need to handle this work stuff on my phone.
You: How about you schedule the next date night when you don't have to deal with work items because I shouldn't have to take a back seat to your email. Until then though, keep the snide comments to yourself.

Keep it moving. Some people take kindness for weakness - make sure to remind him that you're not that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I realize snide remarks are not grounds for divorce but it’s been this way for years. I know I am far from perfect. I can say for certain I am never purposely mean to him. I can be forgetful, careless, sometimes sarcastic but I am not downright mean on purpose. We’ve had an unfortunate number of instances where what should have resulted in a nice time- a nice memory- turned into a negative experience and feeling like we should have just stayed home. Too many what should have been lovely times are bad memories. A pleasant drive through the mountains shortly after our wedding ended with the silent treatment because I chose a restaurant that wasn't open at 5 and we had to wait 20 mins and he hated the beer list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for about 10 years. We have two kids. We’ve dealt with the usual issues- debates and difficulties over children, money, the house— and through it all, I’ve been patient, a good partner and kind. DH has good days and bad days. He can be kind one day then later that day, throws out a snide comment. For example, we went to dinner the other night. We started talking about vacation plans and long story short, a simple suggestion I had was met with a snide comment about money. Then for the rest of the meal he responded two a few emails from work saying, “Sorry but I need to deal with these ASAP.”

The night started out great. He’s hardly interested in date nights and I’m the one who suggests them most of the time unless it’s a movie HE wants to see or a restaurant HE wants to try.

Yes, divorce has crossed my mind. Sure, I worry about the kids but sometimes I think if I recorded one of these negative interactions and showed it to my kids one day they’d say, ah yes Mom, I get why you had to do it.

Oh, and I don’t think he’s go the counseling route. He’s not big on apologies. What else could I do other than divorce? First date night for he next 10 years and avoid long conversations? I need to fix this. We are in our 40s. He is who he is.

This. I MIGHT be crazy.. but as a woman who works... is it possible that he actually needed to deal with the work issues ASAP?

DH and I both have jobs. Unusual issues come after hours on Mondays... or sometimes, on date night.

I’m not sure how anyone else feels, but I think work crises always halogen when it’s the most inconvenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been married for about 10 years. We have two kids. We’ve dealt with the usual issues- debates and difficulties over children, money, the house— and through it all, I’ve been patient, a good partner and kind. DH has good days and bad days. He can be kind one day then later that day, throws out a snide comment. For example, we went to dinner the other night. We started talking about vacation plans and long story short, a simple suggestion I had was met with a snide comment about money. Then for the rest of the meal he responded two a few emails from work saying, “Sorry but I need to deal with these ASAP.”

The night started out great. He’s hardly interested in date nights and I’m the one who suggests them most of the time unless it’s a movie HE wants to see or a restaurant HE wants to try.

Yes, divorce has crossed my mind. Sure, I worry about the kids but sometimes I think if I recorded one of these negative interactions and showed it to my kids one day they’d say, ah yes Mom, I get why you had to do it.

Oh, and I don’t think he’s go the counseling route. He’s not big on apologies. What else could I do other than divorce? First date night for he next 10 years and avoid long conversations? I need to fix this. We are in our 40s. He is who he is.

This. I MIGHT be crazy.. but as a woman who works... is it possible that he actually needed to deal with the work issues ASAP?

DH and I both have jobs. Unusual issues come after hours on Mondays... or sometimes, on date night.

I’m not sure how anyone else feels, but I think work crises always halogen when it’s the most inconvenient.

You're not crazy but you are a doormat.

Corporations have leveraged the technology age to create an expectation that you are available 24hrs a day. Unless you're a first responder or in a life-saving profession, you can cut off your phone for a few hours. I understand different professions require different on-call activities (IT for instance) but again unless your job falls into these types of categories, you have created the monster you talk about - you keep responding after hours? You'll be expected to.

I work - and I will get emails after hours and as I professional, yes I check. But unless a true "emergency" or a one-off project specific timeline, my office shouldn't expect me to respond at any hour of the day and night.

[Anonymous]

what are you whining about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I realize snide remarks are not grounds for divorce but it’s been this way for years. I know I am far from perfect. I can say for certain I am never purposely mean to him. I can be forgetful, careless, sometimes sarcastic but I am not downright mean on purpose. We’ve had an unfortunate number of instances where what should have resulted in a nice time- a nice memory- turned into a negative experience and feeling like we should have just stayed home. Too many what should have been lovely times are bad memories. A pleasant drive through the mountains shortly after our wedding ended with the silent treatment because I chose a restaurant that wasn't open at 5 and we had to wait 20 mins and he hated the beer list.

Then why did you have multiple kids with him? Or did the kids come before the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I realize snide remarks are not grounds for divorce but it’s been this way for years. I know I am far from perfect. I can say for certain I am never purposely mean to him. I can be forgetful, careless, sometimes sarcastic but I am not downright mean on purpose. We’ve had an unfortunate number of instances where what should have resulted in a nice time- a nice memory- turned into a negative experience and feeling like we should have just stayed home. Too many what should have been lovely times are bad memories. A pleasant drive through the mountains shortly after our wedding ended with the silent treatment because I chose a restaurant that wasn't open at 5 and we had to wait 20 mins and he hated the beer list.

Then why did you have multiple kids with him? Or did the kids come before the wedding?

there it is! Never fails - the mighty "time machine" response. Super helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I realize snide remarks are not grounds for divorce but it’s been this way for years. I know I am far from perfect. I can say for certain I am never purposely mean to him. I can be forgetful, careless, sometimes sarcastic but I am not downright mean on purpose. We’ve had an unfortunate number of instances where what should have resulted in a nice time- a nice memory- turned into a negative experience and feeling like we should have just stayed home. Too many what should have been lovely times are bad memories. A pleasant drive through the mountains shortly after our wedding ended with the silent treatment because I chose a restaurant that wasn't open at 5 and we had to wait 20 mins and he hated the beer list.

Then why did you have multiple kids with him? Or did the kids come before the wedding?

there it is! Never fails - the mighty "time machine" response. Super helpful!

OR, OP is being told to focus on the reasons she chose to tolerate this behavior in the past. He must have some redeeming qualities. Focus on those.