boy with few invitations from friends

[Anonymous]

My son is a rising 6th grader, and now that kids are arranging their own get togethers, he's being left out, which is painful to see. He initiates, and sometimes kids will come over, but rarely does he get invited. Friends from his younger years are biking around the neighborhood going to each others' houses, passing right by ours. My son is asking me to arrange playdates with some of these kids, but I'm reluctant to get involved when there's not reciprocation. Our son does have some executive functioning challenges, quickly ramping up to highly intense levels and being inflexible when things do not go his way. We're getting him help, and he's building his skills, but this all takes time. At the same time, he quickly rules out friendships with nice kids who do not share his exact interests such as a specific sport or video game, and he seems to stay focused on kids who are either not available or not very nice to him.

Two good friends have snapped at him and called him annoying, though I'm not really clear what happened and how much is on my son as opposed to the other kids. I wish I could ask the other parents (whom I've known for almost 10 years) their observations so I can better understand the issues, but that probably would be inappropriate, right?

Any suggestions would be very helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re making this about you as much as you are, or maybe more, than you are about him.

If you KNOW there are challenges, why are you so concerned about reciprocity? Other parents should not have to deal with his inflexibility, etc. He’s also ruling out friendships - so why are you irritated with the kids who are doing the same?

I personally don’t see a problem with asking other parents for you think it will help your son, and if you won’t take the information “personally”.

If you want to help him, sucking up some of your own insecurities, and working outside your own comfort zone may be a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Get involved. Ask the other parents. Plan a great activity and invite the other boys over. Make sure you have really good snacks and drinks when they come (sounds dumb, but it's a great way to be the cool house to hang out in).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re making this about you as much as you are, or maybe more, than you are about him.

If you KNOW there are challenges, why are you so concerned about reciprocity? Other parents should not have to deal with his inflexibility, etc. He’s also ruling out friendships - so why are you irritated with the kids who are doing the same?

I personally don’t see a problem with asking other parents for you think it will help your son, and if you won’t take the information “personally”.

If you want to help him, sucking up some of your own insecurities, and working outside your own comfort zone may be a good thing.

How exactly is the OP making it about herself, and where exactly are you seeing insecurities and irritation? Please clarify.

[Anonymous]

OP my son went through this same experience at the start of middle school, too. My son remains fairly oblivious to the fact that it means “something” when invites are not reciprocated (meaning, he doesn’t take it personally which is due to lack of self awareness but does help his feelings from being hurt) and the parts we have encouraged him to do are initiate invites himself rather than we his parents doing it for him and branching out to new people. The pp makes a very good point that your son is ruling out friendships and I understand it is not coming from a place of intentional exclusion but that is probably how these other boys feel, too (they probably just feel they don’t have much in common with your son anymore, and that may not mean due to specific interests but instead due to personality styles or level of maturity). We also encouraged our son to get involved with an activity run by the middle school which did help him make some new friends, who we then encouraged him to connect with outside of school. My son is still not the most social kid in the neighborhood but he is satisfied with his friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get involved. Ask the other parents. Plan a great activity and invite the other boys over. Make sure you have really good snacks and drinks when they come (sounds dumb, but it's a great way to be the cool house to hang out in).

OP here - I have already done this...offering good snacks/activities, etc. Kids seem to have fun but no reciprocal invitations.

Regarding the poster who said I need to get over my own insecurities...not sure where this is coming from. There are parents I've asked several times and they simply don't respond, or they will say they have other plans but never follow up with a good time. I'm not irritated with these kids, and I'm not insecure, but I'm also not going to force something to happen and put those parents in an awkward situation.
For example, should I really initiate a playdate with a kid who told my son "I hate you and never enjoyed hanging out with you" after years of friendship? Sure, maybe this is on my kid, and yes I agree that it's not others' job to put up with my kid's issues...but it doesn't seem wise to force time spent with a kid who doesn't want his company. You might think that is insecure, but I see it otherwise.

Regarding talking to other parents...yes, I am considering doing it, and yes, I can do so without getting defensive. A few of the parents are indirect and might even punish their kid for not being nice to others, so I'm not certain my outreach will get good results and might even backfire. So yes I know I need additional perspectives, and I am willing to put myself out there, but I want to do so productively.

[Anonymous]

OP here...also wanted to thank everyone for their responses especially the PP who shared her family's experiences.

[Anonymous]

This is really hard, OP; I'm so sorry. Do you feel close enough to any of the other parents to ask for an unvarnished opinion on how their kids perceive your son? That might give you more insight into behaviors that might be driving other kids away.

My heart hurt reading this: I have a little guy the same age, who's very shy and sometimes lonely as a result. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP -

I know this is terribly hard to watch (BTDT).

Your kid will still grow and mature. He probably needs to find new friends who are a bit more awkward, like he is. It will take time, but these things tend to improve. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Having been through it twice, MS is a tough time. Lots of physical and emotional changes that happen at different rates for different kids, as well as, transition to a larger school. If it helps, it usually sorts itself out by HS and new relationships and friend groups form.

[Anonymous]

If your son is asking for your help, then give it. If you know your kid has troubles socially, don't stand your ground on the reciprocity bit. Help him have friends, for goodness sake!

If you think the parents, whom you've known for years, are kind, I think it's fine to ask them for an honest assessment so you can help your kid.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. He is asking for my help in that he wants me to arrange time playing with other kids and sometimes expresses sadness/confusion when kids are not nice to him.

I'm not a stickler for the reciprocity, but if they say no or don't answer several times in a row, I don't think that continuing to ask will deliver better results. And he is asking me to arrange get-togethers with kids that aren't very nice to him including the kid who said "I hate you and don't like being with you" or kids in a carpool who spent weeks talking about one of their birthday parties (all in the car were invited except my son.) Like the PP, my son doesn't have the self awareness that he's not being included. He is among the youngest in his grade and is definitely less mature than the other kids, physically and emotionally, though academically he's doing great.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask his teacher for their perspective?

[Anonymous]

OP - the kids who work on stage crew tend to be very accepting.

Carpool, when it is bad, is the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you ask his teacher for their perspective?

We did check with his teacher, and she thinks he is doing fine socially and is well-liked by peers, with the caveat that in this program (he's in a public school program for gifted kids) the kids are more accepting of social differences and quirks. He's going back to our home middle school for 6th grade and his friends from the program will be at different schools. The kids in his program are geographically dispersed so there don't seem to be as many impromptu playdates as there among the homeschool kids.

The teacher did mention that sometimes he doesn't advocate for himself or seems too eager to go along with the desires/opinions of some of the other kids, which concerns me.

I signed him up for theater camp this summer, and he's also pumped about joining the school band, which is where I found my social tribe in high school (: