When will my 17 year old junior stop trying to ruin his life?

[Anonymous]

I have one more year to go. Please tell me it gets better. Did you make bad decisions and still end up okay? He is going to ruin us, and I’m barely hanging on.


-I’m currently hiding in a Mexican restaurant on Easter, just to avoid my teen.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I was you a year ago. DS is a senior and will turn 18 this summer. He’s been accepted to a decent college and even got a decent merit scholarship. AND the school he is going to is NOT Fortnite University!

They act like jackasses so that the separation from you is easier.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

[Anonymous]

The drugs are a concern. What have the consequences been for him? The sex isn’t necessarily a problem. I had a very healthy and nurturing experience with my HS BF and it set me up nicely for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

What kind of therapy is he in?

Of the things you listed, nothing is jumping out at me as life ruining. Yeah it’s not great, but it’s not the worst either. A’s and C’s mean he can still go to college, just maybe not your first choice. Weed isn’t awesome, but it’s not a gateway drug and it’s not addictive like drinking. It could be much worse. I wouldn’t condone it but I’d strongly consider therapy to try to get to the bottom of why he’s using. Is it to relieve pressure or anxiety, or just because it feels good?

I wouldn’t even waste my time trying to control his sexuality. Just be sure he has access to condoms, knows about safe sex practices, has his hpv vaccine, and have an ongoing conversation about respect and consent. Unless he’s combative or oppositional about every subject, then I’d ask the therapist to cover those topics with him. Sometimes it’s easier to hear from a neutral third party than your mom.

Stealing though, a lot of kids have moments where it’s tempting and sometimes they do cross that line, but I wouldn’t want him to have a record. No one wants that for their kids, of course. If he already had the item and doesn’t value it, it sounds like he was thrill seeking. I doubt you can punish that behavior away. Again, therapy could help find the root of the problem and give him better outlets for dealing with whatever is causing him to act out like this.

If it were my child, I’d probably worry less about the specific actions and more about why he’s acting out. He could be under too much pressure or have anxiety/depression. I’d also look at therapy for myself so I don’t wind up losing my mind internalizing all this. It sounds tense and unhappy in your home for everyone, and you seem like you need some help resetting behaviors and expectations.

[Anonymous]

Did he steal a car? I can't think what else you would say "doesn't keep picked up" about...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

He stole something that he owns? What does that mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

He stole something that he owns? What does that mean?

Also - why do you think he did it? What’s going on with him?

[Anonymous]

What does he say when you talk to him in a calm moment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

NP here. This sounds like my brother when he was 16-17. I remember one night being awakened about 1AM by my parents. We had to head to the police station in the middle of the night. My brother had convinced his friends to go with him and they broke into the empty house up the street that was being sold so that they could party in the empty house. The problem was that a patroling police car saw the flashlights and found the kids. We were going to the police station to bail him out. My brother was also not only smoking weed, but he was dealing weed to his friends. I remember the night my father found his stash and flushed a large amount down the toilet.

This kid went on to go to Carnegie Mellon in engineering and got a very lucrative career as a corporate lighting design engineer. He raised two wonderful children and sent them off to four year colleges. One got a job at a firm in Manhatten in a dream job and the other is now in a PhD program. He just celebrated his 60th birthday as a very successful man who spent 38 years working for the same big commercial lighting firm. My parents who thought like OP that they could barely survive his HS years, spent the last 38 years (since he graduated college) being very proud as they watched the milestones go by.

Good luck. I hope your son's path gets better like my brother's did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

He stole something that he owns? What does that mean?

I took it to mean a duplicate of something he already has but doesn’t take care of. For example, some expensive sunglasses that he leaves lying around the house and doesn’t care if they get scratched, or an expensive shirt he leaves lying on the floor instead of washing and putting away, or a game he never plays or loans out to friends without keeping track of it. And for some reason he thought it would be cool to steal that item, even though he already has one but doesn’t take care of the one he has, which demonstrates that the theft wasn’t about needing or apparently even desiring the item.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

NP here. This sounds like my brother when he was 16-17. I remember one night being awakened about 1AM by my parents. We had to head to the police station in the middle of the night. My brother had convinced his friends to go with him and they broke into the empty house up the street that was being sold so that they could party in the empty house. The problem was that a patroling police car saw the flashlights and found the kids. We were going to the police station to bail him out. My brother was also not only smoking weed, but he was dealing weed to his friends. I remember the night my father found his stash and flushed a large amount down the toilet.

This kid went on to go to Carnegie Mellon in engineering and got a very lucrative career as a corporate lighting design engineer. He raised two wonderful children and sent them off to four year colleges. One got a job at a firm in Manhatten in a dream job and the other is now in a PhD program. He just celebrated his 60th birthday as a very successful man who spent 38 years working for the same big commercial lighting firm. My parents who thought like OP that they could barely survive his HS years, spent the last 38 years (since he graduated college) being very proud as they watched the milestones go by.

Good luck. I hope your son's path gets better like my brother's did.

What do you think turned it around for him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

He stole something that he owns? What does that mean?

I took it to mean a duplicate of something he already has but doesn’t take care of. For example, some expensive sunglasses that he leaves lying around the house and doesn’t care if they get scratched, or an expensive shirt he leaves lying on the floor instead of washing and putting away, or a game he never plays or loans out to friends without keeping track of it. And for some reason he thought it would be cool to steal that item, even though he already has one but doesn’t take care of the one he has, which demonstrates that the theft wasn’t about needing or apparently even desiring the item.

Yes exactly. Plus he had cash and his debit card (which we monitor for purchases) on him. He’s not sure why he did it, which is a huge problem. He didn’t leave the store, but was asked to leave the store once caught. I was called, police were not. He’s very lucky, as realizes that.

We take away privileges, internet, monitor every move and he pulls back up. As soon as he gets an inch of freedom (which he has to earn) he reverts back to poor judgement. He was in therapy last fall, but his therapist wasn’t helpful, and eventually we ended the sessions. We are looking into a neuropsych exam. I’m not sure it will help, but one of these times his luck will run out. I hope he grows up soon. He knows right from wrong, and he knows their will always be consequences.

I do appreciate the stories and experiences shared here.

[Anonymous]

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