When will my 17 year old junior stop trying to ruin his life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most beneficial pieces of advice that I got from one of my sons therapists is that I should never work harder than him to get him where he wants to be in life or on any of his problems. We give our son the tools and he chooses whether to use them. And the consequences of his actions - good or bad- are all on him.

One thing to remember when you have a 17 year old is that at 18 you can’t force any sort of treatment. And at 18 the consequences of bad behavior are so much more serious. So anything more you want to try should be now.

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this today.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a normal teen to me except for the stewing but I didn’t understand that part of the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the most beneficial pieces of advice that I got from one of my sons therapists is that I should never work harder than him to get him where he wants to be in life or on any of his problems. We give our son the tools and he chooses whether to use them. And the consequences of his actions - good or bad- are all on him.

One thing to remember when you have a 17 year old is that at 18 you can’t force any sort of treatment. And at 18 the consequences of bad behavior are so much more serious. So anything more you want to try should be now.

Great advice! Get the structure and support now - before he turns 18. Whether developmentally appropriate or not, therapy and support of another non-parent adult.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am right there with you. We went to Easter brunch, in between a day of interrogating our 17 yo about the shenanigans that happened the night before. They've been multiple versions to the story, which involved an unsupervised party, damage to the car my son was driving and him driving home with an unlicensed 16 year old who'd "only had a couple". I'm horrified and would never have imagined we'd end up here. Needless to say, we'll be tightening the reins for a long time. I wish I were at the mexican restaurant with you. I'm horrified by the bad decisions being made by my two teens. They always had theirs heads on straight but have gone off the rails this past year. Vaping, drinking, weed, one's had senioritis since September. It consoled me to hear others' stories, especially the ones that ended well. I'm finding this chapter to be very stressful....and lonely. Those who enjoy the company of their teens are very blessed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am right there with you. We went to Easter brunch, in between a day of interrogating our 17 yo about the shenanigans that happened the night before. They've been multiple versions to the story, which involved an unsupervised party, damage to the car my son was driving and him driving home with an unlicensed 16 year old who'd "only had a couple". I'm horrified and would never have imagined we'd end up here. Needless to say, we'll be tightening the reins for a long time. I wish I were at the mexican restaurant with you. I'm horrified by the bad decisions being made by my two teens. They always had theirs heads on straight but have gone off the rails this past year. Vaping, drinking, weed, one's had senioritis since September. It consoled me to hear others' stories, especially the ones that ended well. I'm finding this chapter to be very stressful....and lonely. Those who enjoy the company of their teens are very blessed!

OP here. Yes, it is lonely and isolating. It's difficult to share with friends or family because there is a stigma, and you don't want the stigma to follow your teen around once he (hopefully) grows out of this phase.

We did start my son back in counseling, with a new, male counselor/therapist. It took work to find someone, and we are paying out of pocket because we couldn't find anyone in our network. Initial feedback from the counselor is that all of this, even the attempted theft, is in the realm of normal. Which doesn't mean that he shouldn't be punished or held accountable. My son is acting better this week, but again, he usually does during his periods after being caught. He is capable of making good, mature decisions, I just wish he would make them proactively, and not a reaction to punishment/earning back privileges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The drugs are a concern. What have the consequences been for him? The sex isn’t necessarily a problem. I had a very healthy and nurturing experience with my HS BF and it set me up nicely for life.

By drugs you mean alcohol too, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The drugs are a concern. What have the consequences been for him? The sex isn’t necessarily a problem. I had a very healthy and nurturing experience with my HS BF and it set me up nicely for life.

Really? Weed a big concern? The only abnormal behavior I read here is stealing.

I'm VP of a large company, bring in more money than my husband, have a masters degree, attend synagogue when we don't have sporting events, have 2 kids, exercise 6xs a week, have been married 15 years and have a great group of friends. I also recreationally smoke pot. I took a long break when my kids were little and just re learned the joys of recreational marijuana use thanks to DCs progressive cannabis laws.

[Anonymous]

RE: stealing.. my niece, who is now 26 and finishing up her masters, did this when she was a teen. I asked her why she did, and she said, "Because I thought I could get away with it.." I think it's the rush. She definitely didn't need to steal that thing.

I like the quote from a PP about not working harder than your teen in regards to the direction of his life, but I think it's really hard to do that when you are a parent living in that moment because you love your child and don't want your child to end up in a terrible way. The logical part of me agrees with that statement, but the emotional side would find it very difficult. I guess you have to hit rock bottom to accept it.

As to how it used to be when we were younger, we didn't have social media back then. I would be concerned about having my kids' "stuff dumb teens do.." moments all over social media, and for it to come back to to bite them on the a$$ later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The drugs are a concern. What have the consequences been for him? The sex isn’t necessarily a problem. I had a very healthy and nurturing experience with my HS BF and it set me up nicely for life.

Really? Weed a big concern? The only abnormal behavior I read here is stealing.

I'm VP of a large company, bring in more money than my husband, have a masters degree, attend synagogue when we don't have sporting events, have 2 kids, exercise 6xs a week, have been married 15 years and have a great group of friends. I also recreationally smoke pot. I took a long break when my kids were little and just re learned the joys of recreational marijuana use thanks to DCs progressive cannabis laws.

Yup, this was me, except add in that I was dropping LSD, shrooms, and snorting the occasional line of coke. I was a 90s cliche.soop Dogg, The Chronic and all that.

Also add in that I now am a nurse anaesthetist (took 7 years of school/training) and was lucky to work a few years for a NGO in Africa utilizing my medical training, where I met my DH.
I too still smoke pot and have sex quit cigarettes years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he make a C in trig or is he addicted to opioids? Does he not smile and say good morning or does he pull a knife when you ask how his history test went?

I can’t tell what you mean by ruin you or what kind of bad decisions you’re talking about.

In between.

Weed, vaping, sex, and the most recent/most egregious...attempting to steal something that he owns (that he doesn’t even care about or keep picked up).

His grades are As and Cs, no in between. I’m exhausted. He has two involved parents, but only makes good choices when he’s on punishment. I’ve become a full time juvenile detention officer. Two steps forward, three steps back every single month.

NP here. This sounds like my brother when he was 16-17. I remember one night being awakened about 1AM by my parents. We had to head to the police station in the middle of the night. My brother had convinced his friends to go with him and they broke into the empty house up the street that was being sold so that they could party in the empty house. The problem was that a patroling police car saw the flashlights and found the kids. We were going to the police station to bail him out. My brother was also not only smoking weed, but he was dealing weed to his friends. I remember the night my father found his stash and flushed a large amount down the toilet.

This kid went on to go to Carnegie Mellon in engineering and got a very lucrative career as a corporate lighting design engineer. He raised two wonderful children and sent them off to four year colleges. One got a job at a firm in Manhatten in a dream job and the other is now in a PhD program. He just celebrated his 60th birthday as a very successful man who spent 38 years working for the same big commercial lighting firm. My parents who thought like OP that they could barely survive his HS years, spent the last 38 years (since he graduated college) being very proud as they watched the milestones go by.

Good luck. I hope your son's path gets better like my brother's did.

What do you think turned it around for him?

+1

NP here. I know a few people like this, also. OP, people grow out of this stuff.