Grandmother with alcohol problem

[Anonymous]

I have a 3-year-old DS. For the past 15 years at least, or since I can remember, my mother has had an alcohol problem- she says she is coping with anxiety. She drinks 1 to 2 bottles of wine per night most nights and also can get pretty nasty when she drinks. She has gotten very defensive when my sisters and I have brought this up to her and my father in the past. I thought she was doing better lately but it turns out I was wrong. DH, me, and DS visited last month and stayed with my parents, which is a 3-hour flight away. Our trip was fine until the last night, after my father left for a business trip. DH, me, and DS came home from visiting with some cousins and my mother was absolutely shitfaced. Slurring words, stumbling, starts yelling at us. She was supposed to take us to the airport in 7 hours. I called my father and told him what was going on and that they need to get her shit together.

My mother has a flight booked to come watch DS while DH and I go on a mini vacation with some friends for 2 nights, a 2-hour drive away, next month. DH and I discussed it and will not be able to leave DS alone with my mother. She is extremely upset about this, says she is angry that we think she would endanger her grandson, etc. She is wonderful with DS, however after her performance last month we don't feel it is safe to leave her alone with DS overnight, much less for an entire weekend. She apologized for losing control, said that she has been stressed lately and is working on using better coping skills. I told her this has been an issue for 15 years and that I'm finished listening and am not going to attempt to make her feel better about her drinking.

Her drinking has damaged our relationship throughout the years to the point where I don't even want to speak to her. I want to go no-contact and am wondering if that is the right approach. I want to be supportive, but I've heard the "I've been stressed lately" song and dance over and over to the point that I just don't care anymore- I need to do what's best for DS. I am not a substance abuse counselor and don't care to hear about her struggles. She's hurt our relationship enough and I don't care to have a relationship until she's sober. Is this harsh or the right thing to do? This has been going on for so long at this point that all I feel is angry and annoyed.

[Anonymous]

The consequence of her alcohol abuse is that she doesn’t get to watch or be alone with DS. She can run wherever she wants with that, but you’re responsibilities are with your kid. She will either get help and repair your relationship or she will be out of your lives. It’s her choice.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry op, that sounds stressful. I agree that she shouldn’t watch your son. But I would hesitate to cut contact altogether. Just limit it.

[Anonymous]

OP, may I suggest finding an Al-anon meeting to attend? I've heard they have wonderful advice for how to navigate your relationship with a problem drinker.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being reactive in wanting to cut contact. You are angry that she isn't responsible enough for you to use as a babysitter for your vacation and now you need to change plans.

You can reset your expectations of her without cutting contact. Your job isn't to change her.

You are angry. That is fine but don't let it drive your decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being reactive in wanting to cut contact. You are angry that she isn't responsible enough for you to use as a babysitter for your vacation and now you need to change plans.

You can reset your expectations of her without cutting contact. Your job isn't to change her.

You are angry. That is fine but don't let it drive your decisions.

OP here- we were actually going to take DS until she insisted that grandma would come stay with him. He's a good kid and our trip will be just as fun with him. I'm angry that she continues to behave this way when we are staying with her, and that she acts like it's a recent problem "stressed lately" and can't get it in her head that it's a chronic issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, may I suggest finding an Al-anon meeting to attend? I've heard they have wonderful advice for how to navigate your relationship with a problem drinker.

OP here. I will have to look in to meetings near me. It's hard finding time for this with toddler schedules but maybe I need to make the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being reactive in wanting to cut contact. You are angry that she isn't responsible enough for you to use as a babysitter for your vacation and now you need to change plans.

You can reset your expectations of her without cutting contact. Your job isn't to change her.

You are angry. That is fine but don't let it drive your decisions.

OP here- we were actually going to take DS until she insisted that grandma would come stay with him. He's a good kid and our trip will be just as fun with him. I'm angry that she continues to behave this way when we are staying with her, and that she acts like it's a recent problem "stressed lately" and can't get it in her head that it's a chronic issue.

Al-Anon may help or some private therapy for you so that you can work on acceptance and detachment. This is who she is right now and the only person who can change her behavior is her (not your dad or anyone else). The only way to break the cycle where you end up angry is for you to step out of it. You don't have to cut her off, but you have to be able to step back and find some detachment/objectivity, set boundaries and not expect anything to change ("My mother is an alcoholic. I will engage with her only when she is sober. Her choices are hers. I am sad that this is her life, but I will move forward and live mine without hope that she will change"). Part of therapy is grieving the loss of the mother you would like to have and then figuring out what satisfaction you can get from the relationship going forward. It's very hard, and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have good strong boundaries about her behavior, which is a huge first step.

I'm sorry this is happening, but you are completely right that behavioral denial (going on as though things are normal) would be very dysfunctional on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being reactive in wanting to cut contact. You are angry that she isn't responsible enough for you to use as a babysitter for your vacation and now you need to change plans.

You can reset your expectations of her without cutting contact. Your job isn't to change her.

You are angry. That is fine but don't let it drive your decisions.

Huh. I read it that she's sick and tired of dealing with an alcoholic mother who makes excuses for 15 years and running, and is now trying to make another excuse that happens to involve a trip OP was planning on taking. The trip from OP's post seemed rather ancillary to the real problem, and only related in that it brought up another reason to make an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being reactive in wanting to cut contact. You are angry that she isn't responsible enough for you to use as a babysitter for your vacation and now you need to change plans.

You can reset your expectations of her without cutting contact. Your job isn't to change her.

You are angry. That is fine but don't let it drive your decisions.

This is such bullshit. She is not pissed that she can't have a babysitter. Her mom is pissed at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being reactive in wanting to cut contact. You are angry that she isn't responsible enough for you to use as a babysitter for your vacation and now you need to change plans.

You can reset your expectations of her without cutting contact. Your job isn't to change her.

You are angry. That is fine but don't let it drive your decisions.

OP here- we were actually going to take DS until she insisted that grandma would come stay with him. He's a good kid and our trip will be just as fun with him. I'm angry that she continues to behave this way when we are staying with her, and that she acts like it's a recent problem "stressed lately" and can't get it in her head that it's a chronic issue.

Al-Anon may help or some private therapy for you so that you can work on acceptance and detachment. This is who she is right now and the only person who can change her behavior is her (not your dad or anyone else). The only way to break the cycle where you end up angry is for you to step out of it. You don't have to cut her off, but you have to be able to step back and find some detachment/objectivity, set boundaries and not expect anything to change ("My mother is an alcoholic. I will engage with her only when she is sober. Her choices are hers. I am sad that this is her life, but I will move forward and live mine without hope that she will change"). Part of therapy is grieving the loss of the mother you would like to have and then figuring out what satisfaction you can get from the relationship going forward. It's very hard, and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

This is good advice, OP. Alcoholism affects the entire family, not just the alcoholic. Also, you need to think about what you will tell your kid growing up. He may have inherited a genetic predisposition to addiction and he should know that (in an age appropriate way of course). A skilled therapist who understands addiction and families can help you with that.

[Anonymous]

For 15 years she has been a drinker and yet you were ok with having her watch your child for a couple nights? Are you nuts too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For 15 years she has been a drinker and yet you were ok with having her watch your child for a couple nights? Are you nuts too?

I don't live nearby and thought the situation was improving, but should have known better

[Anonymous]

You're doing the right thing OP.