How to deal with an anxious and sensitive child?

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with a super anxious and sensitive child? My DD is 4 and she has become super anxious and sensitive about everything. Any time something doesn't go her way she will immediately start crying and whining. I know all kids cry and whine but this is over the top and beyond what I think is normal for a 4 year old. It is grating on my nerves and I am not sure how to respond to her. Her anxiety has manifested in her picking her nails and cuticles. It is like she doesn't have good coping mechanisms for her emotions and just will resort to crying, whining and throwing her toys when she doesn't get her way.

We have tried talking to her about her emotions and how to handle them and she says she understands but then when she gets into the situation she immediately forgets and resorts to whining and crying.

She used to be a super happy kid but it seems like in the past 2 years she has gotten worse and worse. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

If she truly has anxiety then the first thing you need to adjust is your thinking.

Your child needs help and she grates on your nerves?

When she's in the middle of crisis mode she doesn't "forget". She can't handle it.

You need help to help her. Find a therapist.

[Anonymous]

OP here - yes I realize that I need help parenting the child I have and giving her coping mechanisms to deal with her anxiety. I was wondering if anybody else here had any suggestions on how to parent an anxious child.

I am actively looking at therapists and talking with her pediatrician and ENT right now to try and get a plan together.

[Anonymous]

OP this piece on child anxiety came out on NPR today.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

You should search the archives of the Special Needs forum for more information from parents who are farther down the road than you are.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid like this and I agree with getting a therapist but meanwhile there are some good books. I don’t consider myself particularly anxious but I found Anxious Kids Anxious Parents by Wilson and Lyons to be very helpful.

I think you are right to address this head on. It is very frustrating for parents to deal with kids like this but, as you know, your kid doesn’t need your frustration she needs your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid like this and I agree with getting a therapist but meanwhile there are some good books. I don’t consider myself particularly anxious but I found Anxious Kids Anxious Parents by Wilson and Lyons to be very helpful.

I think you are right to address this head on. It is very frustrating for parents to deal with kids like this but, as you know, your kid doesn’t need your frustration she needs your help.

OP here - yes I feel like a horrible parent today since I blew up at her about her whining and tantrums that were happening all weekend. I feel like I am letting her down by getting upset with her but I don't know how to deal with her anxiety. I am always on edge knowing that the slightest thing will set her off. I try and set her up for success - make sure she isn't super hungry or super tired but that doesn't even work.

[Anonymous]

Need more info. Why the whining and tantrums? Does she do this at school too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this piece on child anxiety came out on NPR today.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

You should search the archives of the Special Needs forum for more information from parents who are farther down the road than you are.

I was going to recommend that too! I listened to that this morning.

I hope this doesn't get moved to the special needs forum. I don't think it's that severe and I think you'll get more responses here. My DD is similar and I too am searching for ways to help her. We've been reading a lot of books on anxiety. I believe that my DD is more sensitive than us and DH and I need to give her what she's missing to help her feel good inside (Maybe the way I always felt lonely my entire childhood). Similar to how people approach relating to others' 5 love languages. When she's very anxious and overwhelmed, we ask her if she needs a hug. The first few times it felt forced (Really? A hug when she's grumpy and feeling overwhelmed?) but then it worked so well. It helps her calm down and realize we're there to help her. Her behavior has really turned around. We also have been talking through things a lot before they happen and then after they happen and weren't as awful as she thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid like this and I agree with getting a therapist but meanwhile there are some good books. I don’t consider myself particularly anxious but I found Anxious Kids Anxious Parents by Wilson and Lyons to be very helpful.

I think you are right to address this head on. It is very frustrating for parents to deal with kids like this but, as you know, your kid doesn’t need your frustration she needs your help.

OP here - yes I feel like a horrible parent today since I blew up at her about her whining and tantrums that were happening all weekend. I feel like I am letting her down by getting upset with her but I don't know how to deal with her anxiety. I am always on edge knowing that the slightest thing will set her off. I try and set her up for success - make sure she isn't super hungry or super tired but that doesn't even work.

PP here. Something I read said that no matter how wild and bad they're being, you have to be even calmer. If they're feeling out of control and then see you out of control, they get even worse. They're looking to you for how they should be responding to this stressful situation. Staying super calm is very hard for me, so sometimes I leave the room and come back. I also count in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Need more info. Why the whining and tantrums? Does she do this at school too?

Op here - no I don’t think she does this at school they haven’t said anything and I have asked multiple times.

Examples of whining - her little sister touched the game DD was playing with and it set her off. She starts whining and crying and throwing the game pieces around.

Example - this morning she said asked if we were going to school. I said yes and she immediately started crying and pouting that she didn’t want to go to school and wanted to okay dress up.

Example of anxiety - she is on a t ball game and she had not made it through one game or practice without crying or whining. She wasn’t getting the ball in the outfield or we told her to pay attention so she didn’t get it by a ball.

Her go to when she doesn’t get her way or something is to whine, cry, wrap her arms around her or throw toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid like this and I agree with getting a therapist but meanwhile there are some good books. I don’t consider myself particularly anxious but I found Anxious Kids Anxious Parents by Wilson and Lyons to be very helpful.

I think you are right to address this head on. It is very frustrating for parents to deal with kids like this but, as you know, your kid doesn’t need your frustration she needs your help.

OP here - yes I feel like a horrible parent today since I blew up at her about her whining and tantrums that were happening all weekend. I feel like I am letting her down by getting upset with her but I don't know how to deal with her anxiety. I am always on edge knowing that the slightest thing will set her off. I try and set her up for success - make sure she isn't super hungry or super tired but that doesn't even work.

PP here. Something I read said that no matter how wild and bad they're being, you have to be even calmer. If they're feeling out of control and then see you out of control, they get even worse. They're looking to you for how they should be responding to this stressful situation. Staying super calm is very hard for me, so sometimes I leave the room and come back. I also count in my head.

Op here - yes this is my problem too. I need to try and stay calm and talk calmly with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this piece on child anxiety came out on NPR today.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

You should search the archives of the Special Needs forum for more information from parents who are farther down the road than you are.

I was going to recommend that too! I listened to that this morning.

I hope this doesn't get moved to the special needs forum. I don't think it's that severe and I think you'll get more responses here. My DD is similar and I too am searching for ways to help her. We've been reading a lot of books on anxiety. I believe that my DD is more sensitive than us and DH and I need to give her what she's missing to help her feel good inside (Maybe the way I always felt lonely my entire childhood). Similar to how people approach relating to others' 5 love languages. When she's very anxious and overwhelmed, we ask her if she needs a hug. The first few times it felt forced (Really? A hug when she's grumpy and feeling overwhelmed?) but then it worked so well. It helps her calm down and realize we're there to help her. Her behavior has really turned around. We also have been talking through things a lot before they happen and then after they happen and weren't as awful as she thought.

My child is 7. We've been working with a school based counselor and using the method described in the article. It's been really amazing for my daughter. In 6 months she's gone from multiple crying, shaking anxiety attacks each day, to maybe one a month that takes her a half hour to recover from. And, what I thought was just a high strung personality has really toned down-less whining, less worrying, less social conflict. It's amazing and I wish we had started addressing it sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this piece on child anxiety came out on NPR today.

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/15/711213752/for-kids-with-anxiety-parents-learn-to-let-them-face-their-fears

You should search the archives of the Special Needs forum for more information from parents who are farther down the road than you are.

I was going to recommend that too! I listened to that this morning.

I hope this doesn't get moved to the special needs forum. I don't think it's that severe and I think you'll get more responses here. My DD is similar and I too am searching for ways to help her. We've been reading a lot of books on anxiety. I believe that my DD is more sensitive than us and DH and I need to give her what she's missing to help her feel good inside (Maybe the way I always felt lonely my entire childhood). Similar to how people approach relating to others' 5 love languages. When she's very anxious and overwhelmed, we ask her if she needs a hug. The first few times it felt forced (Really? A hug when she's grumpy and feeling overwhelmed?) but then it worked so well. It helps her calm down and realize we're there to help her. Her behavior has really turned around. We also have been talking through things a lot before they happen and then after they happen and weren't as awful as she thought.

My child is 7. We've been working with a school based counselor and using the method described in the article. It's been really amazing for my daughter. In 6 months she's gone from multiple crying, shaking anxiety attacks each day, to maybe one a month that takes her a half hour to recover from. And, what I thought was just a high strung personality has really toned down-less whining, less worrying, less social conflict. It's amazing and I wish we had started addressing it sooner.

Can you talk more about the method? I did listen to the news article too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more info. Why the whining and tantrums? Does she do this at school too?

Op here - no I don’t think she does this at school they haven’t said anything and I have asked multiple times.

Examples of whining - her little sister touched the game DD was playing with and it set her off. She starts whining and crying and throwing the game pieces around.

Example - this morning she said asked if we were going to school. I said yes and she immediately started crying and pouting that she didn’t want to go to school and wanted to okay dress up.

Example of anxiety - she is on a t ball game and she had not made it through one game or practice without crying or whining. She wasn’t getting the ball in the outfield or we told her to pay attention so she didn’t get it by a ball.

Her go to when she doesn’t get her way or something is to whine, cry, wrap her arms around her or throw toys.

Hmm, some of these seem fairly normal to me.

My son is 4 and he gets pretty annoyed when his little brother gets into the stuff he's playing with. I'm sympathetic to that. It *is* annoying when you're focusing on something to have someone come in and disrupt.

I also don't see where you're getting the anxiety label from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need more info. Why the whining and tantrums? Does she do this at school too?

Op here - no I don’t think she does this at school they haven’t said anything and I have asked multiple times.

Examples of whining - her little sister touched the game DD was playing with and it set her off. She starts whining and crying and throwing the game pieces around.

Example - this morning she said asked if we were going to school. I said yes and she immediately started crying and pouting that she didn’t want to go to school and wanted to okay dress up.

Example of anxiety - she is on a t ball game and she had not made it through one game or practice without crying or whining. She wasn’t getting the ball in the outfield or we told her to pay attention so she didn’t get it by a ball.

Her go to when she doesn’t get her way or something is to whine, cry, wrap her arms around her or throw toys.

Hmm, some of these seem fairly normal to me.

My son is 4 and he gets pretty annoyed when his little brother gets into the stuff he's playing with. I'm sympathetic to that. It *is* annoying when you're focusing on something to have someone come in and disrupt.

I also don't see where you're getting the anxiety label from.

OP here - these are more examples of her whining and tantrums.

I think her anxiety has manifested itself into nail picking/biting.

I totally agree that 4 year olds are prone to whining and tantrums but I thought it would get better with age not worse. It seems to have gotten worse and worse and she doesn't have the coping skills to deal with her very strong emotions.