Tell me it gets better

[Anonymous]

I have a four month old I love more than life itself, more than I ever thought possible. DH, not so much. Obviously it's causing a lot of conflict and I'm not sure I even want to be married to him anymore. If you had a similar road did it eventually get better? I'm worried he'll just never enjoy fatherhood and this will all be on me.

[Anonymous]

Though this wasn’t my experience, I’ve seen similar posts here before where many women have responded saying their husbands really struggled until I think about a year but once the child became more interactive really took a turn. This isn’t always the case I’m sure but I do think it’s not uncommon for some, and probably more often, men, to struggle connecting with newborns/infants. Hopefully it will get better OP, this can be such a hard time and each month it gets a bit easier. Hopefully you’ll get some hopeful responses from people that have been there!

[Anonymous]

Yes! It gets so much better. My husband loves babies and is an amazing dad but had a hard time, especially around month four when it feels like stuff should be getting easier but you’re just so damn tired and don’t have time for each other. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

IME, people differ in terms of when they shine as a parent. You might be great with a four month old. But you have no idea how you will manage a difficult toddler or a special needs elementary schooler or a teen. You just need to stop and give it your best at all times, realizing that at some times you will be amazing and sometimes you will suck and be so thankful that the other parent can step up to the plate.

[Anonymous]

In retrospect the infant stage is a blip. It feels so significant, especially with your first, but I promise there is a lot more to go and most of it involves different skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a four month old I love more than life itself, more than I ever thought possible. DH, not so much. Obviously it's causing a lot of conflict and I'm not sure I even want to be married to him anymore. If you had a similar road did it eventually get better? I'm worried he'll just never enjoy fatherhood and this will all be on me.

My friends are going through similar situation, apparently turned that the guy has Asperger's and that is side effect. It is not that he does not love the kid but it is about the need to show affection and neurowiring so you might look into it. Also, my suggestion is that you need to create tons of opportunities to create a bond between dad and a new born, even lots of women do not feel love immediately to a child. It is a process to some and instant to others. Have your husband hold the baby as much a humanly possible. Have him to feed the baby etc.

[Anonymous]

No, not really. An unhelpful partner never changes. A lot of times you don't see it until you become a parent too.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the responders that people are better at different parenting stages. That was true in my case. My advice is to not make any major life decisions while everyone is sleep deprived and adjusting to a new normal. You may find that this is a brief blip and your partner will turn out to be an awesome parent. That was my experience and many of my friends have had similar ones.

[Anonymous]

The stress of having a baby really highlighted some weaknesses in our marriage and division of labor: we went to counseling to work on those.

DH also is a lot better with slightly older kids (mobile and verbal). He wasn't terrible with the infant stage but with breastfeeding and maternity leave and the fact daycare was at my work so I did drop off, he felt disconnected. If he isn't already giving a bottle a couple times a day and having some one on one time, start there.

[Anonymous]

This is a very normal and typical pattern. Once the infant is a little older and can "do" more things, dads tend to connect better. Don't lose heart. My DH is a great dad.

[Anonymous]

4 months old is a crappy and boring age. Of course DH willxemjoy it more when the baby can interact.

[Anonymous]

OP what are the specific issues that are coming up for you and DH? It's really hard to know if things will change based on your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In retrospect the infant stage is a blip. It feels so significant, especially with your first, but I promise there is a lot more to go and most of it involves different skills.

Only if you have an easy baby. I know plenty of parents who talk about their children's colicky infancies years later.

OP, different parents are definitely better with different stages. And, some parents (usually dads) never get it together because they can't shift the attention away from themselves. Hopefully it will be the former. I loved four months: they're sturdier than newborns, smiling, interactive, etc., but still snuggly and sweet (assuming no super fussiness). Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a four month old I love more than life itself, more than I ever thought possible. DH, not so much. Obviously it's causing a lot of conflict and I'm not sure I even want to be married to him anymore. If you had a similar road did it eventually get better? I'm worried he'll just never enjoy fatherhood and this will all be on me.

Stop whining. Men and women are different and they show love differently. You sound like a huge PITA and you can count on driving your husband to divorce. How can he enjoy fatherhood when you dictate to him how he must enjoy fatherhood.

[Anonymous]

I hated my husband after each baby. I wanted to divorce him - especially after DC2. We went to marriage counseling after DC2 was born.

But then it got better. A mix of hormones, exhaustion and him not really understanding how much work kids can be (not that I did before - but he really didn't get it).

Things were good in our marriage when we got pregnant with DC2. It took a little longer to like him after DC2 was born. Now that the kids are 3 and 5, he has hit his stride with parenting. I'm glad our marriage survived those rough patches.