Tell me it gets better

[Anonymous]

OP, it depends on the specific issue. I can tell you that I conpletely wanted to divorce my (adhd, workaholic, semi helpful) DH the first year of both my kids’ lives. I have told others “don’t do anything rash bc once they turned one and everyone started sleeping a little bit more, i couldn’t remember exactly why i had been so hellbent on divorce.”

[Anonymous]

Yes and no. My DH absolutely fell in love with our child about when he learned to walk and talk (around 15 months). The first year was horrific - he seemed totally indifferent. So that part got better, and I'm grateful (for my child's sake) that they have a loving father.

For our relationship -- not so much. The insensitivity & laziness & eventual hostility that DH showed me just got compounded over time, and now we are divorcing.

If you feel like your DH is not supporting you and not doing his fair share of work, then I definitely suggest counseling. If he won't agree or you're not ready, then I would prioritize getting him to agree to do the things you need to get the rest you need.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all (except the obviously male troll who I'm sure has no children). He is helpful, and does a lot FOR the baby, he is just mentally checked out. Doesn't really seem interested in bigger picture baby stuff, eg her persistent eating issues. I feel like all of the worry and responsibility falls on my shoulders while he just checks the box of "I changed 6 diapers today so I did my part, now I can go back to twitter". He is also a workaholic so that doesn't help. Ironically he was the one who was much more excited and ready to have kids and always talked about wanting three or four. Now we are one and done. I think at the end of the day he just has some selfish tendencies and is shell shocked- he just didn't understand quite how hard it would be. I was very, very nervous about motherhood and so my expectations were so low I've been pleasantly surprised. He is trying, I'm just so worried it will never click for him and he'll be one of those men who ignores their kid it's whole life.

[Anonymous]

Wait until this gets better before having another kid. Even if it takes 5 years or even if it means you stick to have an only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all (except the obviously male troll who I'm sure has no children). He is helpful, and does a lot FOR the baby, he is just mentally checked out. Doesn't really seem interested in bigger picture baby stuff, eg her persistent eating issues. I feel like all of the worry and responsibility falls on my shoulders while he just checks the box of "I changed 6 diapers today so I did my part, now I can go back to twitter". He is also a workaholic so that doesn't help. Ironically he was the one who was much more excited and ready to have kids and always talked about wanting three or four. Now we are one and done. I think at the end of the day he just has some selfish tendencies and is shell shocked- he just didn't understand quite how hard it would be. I was very, very nervous about motherhood and so my expectations were so low I've been pleasantly surprised. He is trying, I'm just so worried it will never click for him and he'll be one of those men who ignores their kid it's whole life.

It really can get better, I know these 4 months have seemed like a lifetime but I’m only at 15 months and even now I can say 4 months seems like eons ago and a different LIFE. So much more emotionally draining, all the things. I’m sure a more experienced parent than I could say this even further. Not at all saying you should have a second if your partner continues this way, but there is just no way to know at 4 months. So so much changes each month from here on out. I know plenty of people that were like HECK no to another for the first 6 months, even three years. You are in the thick of it. It’s so great that your transition has been a good one, but your husbands is tougher. Honestly I was the one that struggled more and my DH held me up while I walked through the motions and now at 15 months I’m thriving, kid is thriving etc. and my heart could burst just thinking of him right now. I just encourage you to look at this time as temporary for now, try your best to have empathy for your husband because that’s the best thing for your relationship right now and know that for some the clouds do part. Hopefully they will for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all (except the obviously male troll who I'm sure has no children). He is helpful, and does a lot FOR the baby, he is just mentally checked out. Doesn't really seem interested in bigger picture baby stuff, eg her persistent eating issues. I feel like all of the worry and responsibility falls on my shoulders while he just checks the box of "I changed 6 diapers today so I did my part, now I can go back to twitter". He is also a workaholic so that doesn't help. Ironically he was the one who was much more excited and ready to have kids and always talked about wanting three or four. Now we are one and done. I think at the end of the day he just has some selfish tendencies and is shell shocked- he just didn't understand quite how hard it would be. I was very, very nervous about motherhood and so my expectations were so low I've been pleasantly surprised. He is trying, I'm just so worried it will never click for him and he'll be one of those men who ignores their kid it's whole life.

I think things will probably get better, given what you're saying. Have you asked him in a non-confrontational way what's going on in his brain?

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, do you have friends who are new moms? If not, try joining a group of some sort (PACE, breastfeeding center meetings etc). Having support of fellow moms with stressors like feeding was critical to my sanity during the early months.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

He might have PPD. Men can get it too. I think my DH had it. He says the first year was one of the worst years of his life. Our DC didn't sleepwell. I struggled with similar feelings as you. I think it's within the range of normal. Try to cut each other some slack. It can be a tough phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He might have PPD. Men can get it too. I think my DH had it. He says the first year was one of the worst years of his life. Our DC didn't sleepwell. I struggled with similar feelings as you. I think it's within the range of normal. Try to cut each other some slack. It can be a tough phase.

Rogelio on Jane the Virgin had it!

[Anonymous]

It will never get better for you because you expect too much. You are not giving him a chance and you probably criticize every thing he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will never get better for you because you expect too much. You are not giving him a chance and you probably criticize every thing he does.

Ugh, go back to your uncle support group on Reddit please.

[Anonymous]

At 4 months DH and I were both so exhausted and ready for a break as the newborn stage was winding down. DH had some similar issues (I can really relate to the "get back to Twitter thing", there were so many times when I just wanted to throw his phone out the window), and things got better as DS started to be a little less needy. Once he started to consistently go to bed at 7pm things got a lot better - we finally were able to eat dinner and talk about our days and something other than the baby and hang out together at night. Things got a lot lot better when DS started to be more interactive - babbling, trying to crawl, pulling up to stand, etc. - DH loved actively playing with him. We also both give each other "time off" every couple weeks now that DS is easier - sometimes it's happy hour/dinner with a friend after work, sometimes it's taking DS out for a few hours on a weekend afternoon so the other one can just sit on the couch and watch tv. I think you probably hit the nail on the head that he has some selfish tendencies and parenthood has been a bit shocking - as annoying as it is when you feel like you're bearing the brunt of the work, I think he will probably get a lot better in a few months. Hang in there!