Wife is unhappy/depressed....but doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it

[Anonymous]

My wife has been unhappy on and off for a number of years now. Her unhappiness relates to the following issues: 1) not liking her job, as she just switched jobs from a job she hated, and the new job hasn’t been what she expected 2) our relationship, as she feels that I don’t put in enough effort and communicate correctly (which I fully admit that is true and have been working on it) 3) her relationship with her parents/sister, as she feels that they give her sister more attention than her. (I personally feel that they treat my wife and her sister the same but she disagrees) 4) her relationship with my family, as she feels that they are disrespectful to her and I don’t stand up for her enough and 5) her relationship with her friends, as her friends (who are all married ) are still stuck in the “let’s get blackout drunk on a Tuesday” phase of their lives, and we’ve kind of moved past that.

Now, these are all legitimate issues, but where I’m struggling is that she doesn’t want to do anything on her end to change these issues, but she will complain about them. For example, in regards to her job issues, ive given her multiple ideas/suggestions on how to handle it (ex. Can you talk to your boss about how you’re unhappy? Are there other jobs in your field that you’d be interested in) but she shuts them all down. Regarding the issues with her friends, I’ve suggested trying to do stuff with them not surrounding drinking, or trying to join a meetup group, but she’s never into that.

My wife has seen therapists for her depression in the past, but with mixed results, as she never really found a therapist she clicked with. This morning, I suggested going to therapy again, and she said “no, none of the therapists really get me.” For whatever reason, this really stuck with me. I’m just frustrated that she has these. Issues, but doesn’t want to seem to do anything about them. I’m not really sure what I can do. I’m a firm believer that you can’t make someone do something, they have to want to do it themselves, which is why I’m frustrated that she’s not trying to better her mental health. I’m also concerned because we’ve talked about TTC sometime in the next 6 months, but I really want her mental heath to be more stable before we cross that bridge.

[Anonymous]

Get out now. Unless she is willing to treat her depression, there is nothing that you can do.

Why are you trying to change her?

[Anonymous]

Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

Is there any science to tell the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

Is there any science to tell the difference?

There's no blood test, but if you try an anti-depressant and you feel better, that's a pretty good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

Is there any science to tell the difference?

There's no blood test, but if you try an anti-depressant and you feel better, that's a pretty good sign.

That isn't science. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

Is there any science to tell the difference?

There's no blood test, but if you try an anti-depressant and you feel better, that's a pretty good sign.

That isn't science. Sorry.

Oh Shut. UP! What are you even talking about.

Clearly the situation she is in is triggering a biological predisposition towards Depression. Sheesh. It's not one or the other FFS

OP. Some people need meds to help change their situations it gives us energy and motivation we wouldnt have otherwise. Depression makes us feel hopeless and flat.

You need to learn about Depression. There is a great podcast called The Hilarious World of Depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

Is there any science to tell the difference?

There's no blood test, but if you try an anti-depressant and you feel better, that's a pretty good sign.

That isn't science. Sorry.

This is science. You make a hypothesis, and you test your hypothesis. Then, ideally, the experiment can be repeated by others, and they will get the same results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

OP here...she was on medication for depression a year or two ago (can’t recall which specific medication), but she stopped as she felt that it didn’t make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she considered taking to her doctor or psychiatrist about medication? You can't effectively treat biologically-based depression (as opposed to situational depression) through talk therapy alone.

OP here...she was on medication for depression a year or two ago (can’t recall which specific medication), but she stopped as she felt that it didn’t make a difference.

Different meds work for different people. She needs to try a different one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has been unhappy on and off for a number of years now. Her unhappiness relates to the following issues: 1) not liking her job, as she just switched jobs from a job she hated, and the new job hasn’t been what she expected 2) our relationship, as she feels that I don’t put in enough effort and communicate correctly (which I fully admit that is true and have been working on it) 3) her relationship with her parents/sister, as she feels that they give her sister more attention than her. (I personally feel that they treat my wife and her sister the same but she disagrees) 4) her relationship with my family, as she feels that they are disrespectful to her and I don’t stand up for her enough and 5) her relationship with her friends, as her friends (who are all married ) are still stuck in the “let’s get blackout drunk on a Tuesday” phase of their lives, and we’ve kind of moved past that.

Now, these are all legitimate issues, but where I’m struggling is that she doesn’t want to do anything on her end to change these issues, but she will complain about them. For example, in regards to her job issues, ive given her multiple ideas/suggestions on how to handle it (ex. Can you talk to your boss about how you’re unhappy? Are there other jobs in your field that you’d be interested in) but she shuts them all down. Regarding the issues with her friends, I’ve suggested trying to do stuff with them not surrounding drinking, or trying to join a meetup group, but she’s never into that.

My wife has seen therapists for her depression in the past, but with mixed results, as she never really found a therapist she clicked with. This morning, I suggested going to therapy again, and she said “no, none of the therapists really get me.” For whatever reason, this really stuck with me. I’m just frustrated that she has these. Issues, but doesn’t want to seem to do anything about them. I’m not really sure what I can do. I’m a firm believer that you can’t make someone do something, they have to want to do it themselves, which is why I’m frustrated that she’s not trying to better her mental health. I’m also concerned because we’ve talked about TTC sometime in the next 6 months, but I really want her mental heath to be more stable before we cross that bridge.

DO NOT PROCREATE RIGHT NOW
I'm not saying this to be a jerk but as someone who has BTDT

[Anonymous]

Do not have a baby. That is the worst thing you can do now.

[Anonymous]

Why would you have a baby with someone mentally unstable? Divorce

[Anonymous]

If she’s depressed, it’s fairly easy to understand why she’s not motivated. It saps you. That said, she is responsible for doing something to change her situation if she’s unhappy.

It seems like the fact that you’re planning to TTC gives you an opening here. The next time trying for a baby comes up, say something like “you know, I think I want to hold off. You’re not happy with your job/friends/family and I think it would be better if you felt more supported/happier/content before going into such a major, disruptive life change. What changes need to be made so that will be the case?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s depressed, it’s fairly easy to understand why she’s not motivated. It saps you. That said, she is responsible for doing something to change her situation if she’s unhappy.

It seems like the fact that you’re planning to TTC gives you an opening here. The next time trying for a baby comes up, say something like “you know, I think I want to hold off. You’re not happy with your job/friends/family and I think it would be better if you felt more supported/happier/content before going into such a major, disruptive life change. What changes need to be made so that will be the case?”

And all she will do is continue to blame everyone else. She will also lash out at op for taking away her one chance at happiness. Op needs to be very direct and call a spade a spade.