DD9 doesn’t want to go to grandparent cottage

[Anonymous]

My mom and step-dad have a summer cottage. It was my step-dad’s first, and he brought it into their marriage. The town it’s in has a community pool and other summer amenities. For years, DD9 has enjoyed going to spend weekends there swimming, among other things. My mom mentioned it to us recently, how she can’t wait to host DD once the pool opens and they head up there. My step-dad still works, so they only go up on certain weekends.

Last night, DD confirmed that she doesn’t want to go away anymore. She doesn’t mind spending weekends at her grandparents home here, but doesn’t want to go so far away (it’s only a little more than an hour, but to her I guess it’s far). She says nothing happened there, she just feels homesick. She doesn’t want to go.

My mom sees this place as a summer paradise, and it is nice to have the amenities, but I can see where DD is coming from. I used to get homesick too, and I can see the benefits not outweighing that. How do I best break it to my mom that we will be visiting for day trips only?

[Anonymous]

It's an hour. Tell her it will be fun and make her go at least once. She'll probably remember how fun it is.

I can't imagine thinking an hour is "far."

[Anonymous]

Be direct. If you mom has an issue with it, reiterate you want to respect your DD's feelings. As your DD grows, there will be more disappointment for your mom when she does not want to do what your mom wants to do. It's life.

[Anonymous]

Tell your mom that DD doesn't want to come on her own and gets homesick, but your family can come on X weekend.

I don't think you should force her.

[Anonymous]

Go for the weekend with your 9 year old and see if that reminds her how fun it is. (I wouldn't force her to go alone just in case she is scared or something did happen; I'd want to be there to scope things out if she's really that reticent.) If she's saying that she doesn't want to go even if you go too? Honestly, I'd force her at least once. She's 9. This isn't her call. She may want to play with her friends all summer, but this is family.

[Anonymous]

Is visiting the grandparents at their home a possibility since they aren't there all weekends?

Honestly, I would feel torn. On the one hand, the kids don't get to decide that stuff. On the other hand, maybe something serious did happen. Just "I don't want to" is not a good enough reason not to go, in my opinion. But a strong feeling of homesickness or a serious thing that she doesn't want to talk about would be enough of a reason. Tough call. I guess I'd look at other stuff - is she willing to go other places over night? Is she wiliing to see grandparents at their house? Is she like my boys, who say they want to stay home but then have a good time once we make them go do an activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is visiting the grandparents at their home a possibility since they aren't there all weekends?

Honestly, I would feel torn. On the one hand, the kids don't get to decide that stuff. On the other hand, maybe something serious did happen. Just "I don't want to" is not a good enough reason not to go, in my opinion. But a strong feeling of homesickness or a serious thing that she doesn't want to talk about would be enough of a reason. Tough call. I guess I'd look at other stuff - is she willing to go other places over night? Is she wiliing to see grandparents at their house? Is she like my boys, who say they want to stay home but then have a good time once we make them go do an activity?

Why not? Why is she required to go to a particular place when the idea is that is for fun?

It would be different if DD never wanted to see her grandmother or she were rude to her or the parents needed to go out of town. But to a summer cottage just for the heck of it when DD doesn’t enjoy it? Why?

[Anonymous]

Just do day trips there this summer. An hour isn't that far away. I'd never make my kids stay overnight without me someplace she didn't want to be.

[Anonymous]

It's your MOM'S paradise. That doesn't mean it's your DAUGHTER'S paradise.

Your mom needs to respect that what is great for her is not necessarily great for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and step-dad have a summer cottage. It was my step-dad’s first, and he brought it into their marriage. The town it’s in has a community pool and other summer amenities. For years, DD9 has enjoyed going to spend weekends there swimming, among other things. My mom mentioned it to us recently, how she can’t wait to host DD once the pool opens and they head up there. My step-dad still works, so they only go up on certain weekends.

Last night, DD confirmed that she doesn’t want to go away anymore. She doesn’t mind spending weekends at her grandparents home here, but doesn’t want to go so far away (it’s only a little more than an hour, but to her I guess it’s far). She says nothing happened there, she just feels homesick. She doesn’t want to go.

My mom sees this place as a summer paradise, and it is nice to have the amenities, but I can see where DD is coming from. I used to get homesick too, and I can see the benefits not outweighing that. How do I best break it to my mom that we will be visiting for day trips only?

Respect your daughter's feelings on this. Especially if they get plenty of time together at home.

What your mom loves doesn't mean everyone else has to love it.

[Anonymous]

I just can't imagine forcing my child to sleep overnight someplace that she didn't want to go. I'd agree that children don't get to decide if it is something like the whole nuclear family is going up there but I would never, never send a kid alone to a relatives house to sleep overnight if the kid didn't want to go.

If your mom is pushy watch out for her trying to cajole your DD into agreeing to going up there overnight or pressing her inappropriately. Your mom may think she just needs to talk your DD into it rather than respect her feelings which is very wrong. If your mom is the selfish, pushy type to do this then do not reveal that your daughter doesn't want to go. Just tell your mom that you're not doing sleep overs this summer and just day trips. Make something up likes DD gets too tired or whatever but let your mom be annoyed at you and not on a mission to push your DD into doing something she doesn't want to do.

[Anonymous]

I certainly wouldn't force her to go alone if she's not interested. If you're all going as a family, though, I'd tell her to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just can't imagine forcing my child to sleep overnight someplace that she didn't want to go. I'd agree that children don't get to decide if it is something like the whole nuclear family is going up there but I would never, never send a kid alone to a relatives house to sleep overnight if the kid didn't want to go.

If your mom is pushy watch out for her trying to cajole your DD into agreeing to going up there overnight or pressing her inappropriately. Your mom may think she just needs to talk your DD into it rather than respect her feelings which is very wrong. If your mom is the selfish, pushy type to do this then do not reveal that your daughter doesn't want to go. Just tell your mom that you're not doing sleep overs this summer and just day trips. Make something up likes DD gets too tired or whatever but let your mom be annoyed at you and not on a mission to push your DD into doing something she doesn't want to do.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is visiting the grandparents at their home a possibility since they aren't there all weekends?

Honestly, I would feel torn. On the one hand, the kids don't get to decide that stuff. On the other hand, maybe something serious did happen. Just "I don't want to" is not a good enough reason not to go, in my opinion. But a strong feeling of homesickness or a serious thing that she doesn't want to talk about would be enough of a reason. Tough call. I guess I'd look at other stuff - is she willing to go other places over night? Is she wiliing to see grandparents at their house? Is she like my boys, who say they want to stay home but then have a good time once we make them go do an activity?

Why not? Why is she required to go to a particular place when the idea is that is for fun?

It would be different if DD never wanted to see her grandmother or she were rude to her or the parents needed to go out of town. But to a summer cottage just for the heck of it when DD doesn’t enjoy it? Why?

In my house the 9 year olds don’t make the schedule. It’s fine if that’s the way you do it. Sometimes my kids have to go places or do things they aren’t thrilled about because that’s what I’ve decided.

[Anonymous]

Was she bored the last time she was there? Was she not allowed to do something she normally likes to do (watch tv, screen time, nap, paint her nails, whatever)? Does she not like what they eat while they're there?

I agree with another poster that maybe you want to go with her for one overnight and see if you can bring some enjoyment back into it. She has grandparents who want to spend time with her at a place they love. This could be a great thing for her as she moves into her tween and teen years. I would try to encourage it especially since there don't seem to be any other signs that there is/was a problem.