DD9 doesn’t want to go to grandparent cottage

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she can bring a friend up too..that would really change the dynamic. Other than that I would go for the day. I would not allow her to just not see them all summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is visiting the grandparents at their home a possibility since they aren't there all weekends?

Honestly, I would feel torn. On the one hand, the kids don't get to decide that stuff. On the other hand, maybe something serious did happen. Just "I don't want to" is not a good enough reason not to go, in my opinion. But a strong feeling of homesickness or a serious thing that she doesn't want to talk about would be enough of a reason. Tough call. I guess I'd look at other stuff - is she willing to go other places over night? Is she wiliing to see grandparents at their house? Is she like my boys, who say they want to stay home but then have a good time once we make them go do an activity?

Why not? Why is she required to go to a particular place when the idea is that is for fun?

It would be different if DD never wanted to see her grandmother or she were rude to her or the parents needed to go out of town. But to a summer cottage just for the heck of it when DD doesn’t enjoy it? Why?

In my house the 9 year olds don’t make the schedule. It’s fine if that’s the way you do it. Sometimes my kids have to go places or do things they aren’t thrilled about because that’s what I’ve decided.

Way too many sketchy things happen in this world for me to force my kid to spend the night somewhere without my supervision if they don’t want to go. I’m not normally paranoid about these issues, but this one would be a no for me.

[Anonymous]

Idk I might stay overnight with her if she doesn’t want to do it alone. Is that bad?

[Anonymous]

If you feel that your mom's summer cottage must get used by your family then you should go with your DD. Don't expect a 9 year old to do something that you wouldn't be willing to do.

It may not be any nefarious and it may simply be that she gets homesick. You are likely to make this worse if you force her because then she'll get fixed on how sad she is there. Some kids, especially at this age, do have issues with homesickness.

It could even be benign that she doesn't enjoy that much grandma and step-grandpa time which should be respected too. Kids are not toys. Your DD's comfort is not more important than your mother's wants about her summer cottage. In our house relatives are not entitled to our kids for their own wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps she can bring a friend up too..that would really change the dynamic. Other than that I would go for the day. I would not allow her to just not see them all summer.

+1 to all of this but especially to the last. It is important to retain the connection even if she isn't really feeling it right now. If she goes by herself or with you then I would make sure to pack a "fun" bag: cake mix with muffin cups and frosting, a few board games, packs of cards, some great DVDs that she can watch with grandparents, crafts from Michael's, swim things, etc. Sometimes you have to help people (kids and their grandparents) find their way together. Don't expect them to be able to gel immediately if they don't see each other all the time. Provide them with the bridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is visiting the grandparents at their home a possibility since they aren't there all weekends?

Honestly, I would feel torn. On the one hand, the kids don't get to decide that stuff. On the other hand, maybe something serious did happen. Just "I don't want to" is not a good enough reason not to go, in my opinion. But a strong feeling of homesickness or a serious thing that she doesn't want to talk about would be enough of a reason. Tough call. I guess I'd look at other stuff - is she willing to go other places over night? Is she wiliing to see grandparents at their house? Is she like my boys, who say they want to stay home but then have a good time once we make them go do an activity?

Why not? Why is she required to go to a particular place when the idea is that is for fun?

It would be different if DD never wanted to see her grandmother or she were rude to her or the parents needed to go out of town. But to a summer cottage just for the heck of it when DD doesn’t enjoy it? Why?

In my house the 9 year olds don’t make the schedule. It’s fine if that’s the way you do it. Sometimes my kids have to go places or do things they aren’t thrilled about because that’s what I’ve decided.

There is a huge difference between forcing a kid to go somewhere with her parents because it is part of the schedule and forcing a kid to spend the night without her parents when she has expressed concern. I think it is dangerous to teach kids, girls especially, to ignore her inner voice.

[Anonymous]

I would not force her to go alone. I would tell my mom she doesn’t want to come. My mom would have to accept it. I would make an effort to spend time with grandparents in other ways, either day trips or whole family sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Does she go without you? I would worry something shady is going on and she doesn't want to be alone with your grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Just tell your mom that your DD seems to be going through a homesick phase right now and doesn’t enjoy vacations or even sleepovers with friends. Just breezily note that you’re sure she’ll work through it eventually but for now you’d prefer they not making DD feel self conscious when you tag along with her this summer for weekend visits until she gets her groove back.

Whether DD works it out on her own or not, you can respect everyone’s feelings by facilitating the visits and going along (even though you have to give up occasional weekends). It might also help you better understand what is making DD not want to go - does she seem bored now compared to other years? (That does change over time) Does she miss home friends or activities? (FOMO?) Do grandparents not seem to interact with her well at this age? (Some people just don’t “get” certain ages and that’s okay). WHo knows, DD might even change her mind after she “remembers” how fun it is and then you just carry on and follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go for the weekend with your 9 year old and see if that reminds her how fun it is. (I wouldn't force her to go alone just in case she is scared or something did happen; I'd want to be there to scope things out if she's really that reticent.) If she's saying that she doesn't want to go even if you go too? Honestly, I'd force her at least once. She's 9. This isn't her call. She may want to play with her friends all summer, but this is family.

What do you think of this advice, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I certainly wouldn't force her to go alone if she's not interested. If you're all going as a family, though, I'd tell her to suck it up.

This. Go with her the first time and spend the night there, too. If she's having fun, you can give her the option to stay another night on her own or to come back with you. I have no issues making my kids do things they don't want to do, but spending the night somewhere without a parent when they don't want to is not one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I certainly wouldn't force her to go alone if she's not interested. If you're all going as a family, though, I'd tell her to suck it up.

This. Go with her the first time and spend the night there, too. If she's having fun, you can give her the option to stay another night on her own or to come back with you. I have no issues making my kids do things they don't want to do, but spending the night somewhere without a parent when they don't want to is not one of those.

This. You should go too the first time. Then see if she wants to go back, if she doesnt I would not force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I certainly wouldn't force her to go alone if she's not interested. If you're all going as a family, though, I'd tell her to suck it up.

This. Go with her the first time and spend the night there, too. If she's having fun, you can give her the option to stay another night on her own or to come back with you. I have no issues making my kids do things they don't want to do, but spending the night somewhere without a parent when they don't want to is not one of those.

This. You should go too the first time. Then see if she wants to go back, if she doesnt I would not force it.

+1
To me, this sounds like a somewhat normal progression. She’s older, and more attached to her friends, and things like the stuff in her room that give her comfort. I’m often homebody sort myself, and I’m always anxious about travelling, and don’t really want to go, but once I get where I’m going, I usually love it.

Also at 9, it starts to get a little less fun to just play with grandma and (step) grandpa. Are there other kids there for her to hang with?

I think yiu going th first night, and then seeing if she wants to stay is a great solution, and if she can bring s friend...even better.

[Anonymous]

Is the pool used only by 55+ folks some of whom glare at her if she speaks above a whisper? Or is it a community pool where groups of 8-14 year olds pretty much run wild?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an hour. Tell her it will be fun and make her go at least once. She'll probably remember how fun it is.

I can't imagine thinking an hour is "far."

It's far to a nine year old. Been there.