How do you gut through watching playground dynamics when your child is the different one?

[Anonymous]

Now that DS is 4, his struggle with language is really coming to a head. Today on the playground he was the default bad guy, which means he chases after the other kids attempting to join them, but he’s the slowest, has the poorest receptive and expressive language, and whenever he catches up and thinks he’s part of the group, they all run away again. He loves it-for now- thinks he’s part of a group and playing with friends who like him. He’d be crushed if he knew and understood they had made him the bad guy. It’s nothing for now but still hard today watch, and it’s only going to get worse. DS has no real friends. A lot of activities and playmates and buddies and birthday parties, but real friends? No. I’m so nervous and sad for him as I watch him fall behind his peers, despite huge progress. He’s sweet and social and does not have one mean bone in his body. He just - talks funny, and doesn’t understand a lot of things. How do you deal with the sadness and supporting your child?

[Anonymous]

I don't allow that stuff to happen. We played with ours and if other kids joined, great but we didn't worry about tit. It gets better as the language comes in but it may take several more years for things to get better. It did with ours.

[Anonymous]

It’s difficult, but I try very hard to live in the moment and not project my fears into the future. It sounds like your kiddo had a great time at the park and has a full life of activities, play dates, bday parties and most importantly, opportunities to socialize. Live in these moments and trust that your continued supports will continue to foster growth for him. Also, I wonder if your son truly would be crushed at full understanding of being the bad guy. That’s a coveted role with my kiddos and their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now that DS is 4, his struggle with language is really coming to a head. Today on the playground he was the default bad guy, which means he chases after the other kids attempting to join them, but he’s the slowest, has the poorest receptive and expressive language, and whenever he catches up and thinks he’s part of the group, they all run away again. He loves it-for now- thinks he’s part of a group and playing with friends who like him. He’d be crushed if he knew and understood they had made him the bad guy. It’s nothing for now but still hard today watch, and it’s only going to get worse. DS has no real friends. A lot of activities and playmates and buddies and birthday parties, but real friends? No. I’m so nervous and sad for him as I watch him fall behind his peers, despite huge progress. He’s sweet and social and does not have one mean bone in his body. He just - talks funny, and doesn’t understand a lot of things. How do you deal with the sadness and supporting your child?

There are a lot of issues here, from your child's progress, to your own feelings watching him play certain roles on the playground. If your child is having social experiences, he's having social experiences. So try to dismiss your projections about him being "the bad guy." He's obviously benefiting from the playground stuff. If you want him to cultivate one on one friendships, at this point in his life you have to be the facilitator. That means making playdates for him even if it doesn't feel organic or you have to go out of your way or it initially feels like a "pity" playdate. It also means that he may make close friends with other special needs kids at this point in his life. And I know that makes many parents cringe, oh no, he needs typical role models, he's not really special needs, he's making huge progress! But your child deserves to socialize, and he deserves to be part of a community of children. Most of my child's really close friends at that age were from PEP or other special needs experiences.

[Anonymous]

OP, playgrounds are always complicated, even for the most neurotypical and socially confident children. Don't read into what happens in playgrounds. What you can do, though, is schedule tons of 1 on 1 playdates. It is a great way to practice social skills and make friends. Kids aren't actually very critical or discerning at that age. If you invite other preschoolers over and offer a fun activity and a snack, they'll enjoy themselves and consider each other friends. I am sure you'll find he has similar interests to some and over time, eventually they will become true friends.

I am on this board for my oldest but my youngest, who's 10, has been best friends with a child pretty severe speech delays since they were toddlers. My child has always understood him perfectly and, to tell you the truth, I don't think even notices anything.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that I know it’s hard to watch but it will get better as your son’s speech and language issues improve. My son had apraxia and while we didn’t have the exact playground experience he was always on the periphery in preschool. His only real friend was his cousin of the same age. It was so sad to see him at birthday parties or on the playground after school. I will never forget the day I realized he had his first true friend. I was driving through the carpool line in K and saw him standing next to another boy. At first I assumed the teacher had just asked them to wait together. But as I pulled closer I saw they were actually chatting (my sons speech was still not very intelligible). My heart leaped! When my son got in the car I asked him who he was talking to and he said “my friend”. I wanted to do a happy dance! The teacher later told me the other kids really liked him and would interpret for him. I was so happy and relieved. Two years later he had finished speech and things really became easier. He’s now in 5th and has lots of friends.

[Anonymous]

I don't think most/all 4 year olds have friends the way you're thinking. If he has buddies and playmates, and can join in playground games, it sounds like his social skills are on target.

[Anonymous]

+1 At 4 very few kids, if any, have "real" friends. I know some girls that were very mature at that age and actually talked to their friends but really at this age it's all about chasing each other and being buddies.

I'd like to gently suggest that you are projecting your own insecurities on your child. The more complex social dynamics won't start until later elementary/MS and like the one PP described a lot can change between now and that time. Right now a lot of friend groups are about the parents so when your child starts K make sure to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 At 4 very few kids, if any, have "real" friends. I know some girls that were very mature at that age and actually talked to their friends but really at this age it's all about chasing each other and being buddies.

I'd like to gently suggest that you are projecting your own insecurities on your child. The more complex social dynamics won't start until later elementary/MS and like the one PP described a lot can change between now and that time. Right now a lot of friend groups are about the parents so when your child starts K make sure to be involved.

I think the parents of ordinary, neurotypicals kids often come up with posts that say things like "Oh, four year olds don't really have friends!"

You have no idea what it's like to have a really isolated child. It's very glib to go around saying that children that age don't really have friends when your child is constantly part of a social milieu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 At 4 very few kids, if any, have "real" friends. I know some girls that were very mature at that age and actually talked to their friends but really at this age it's all about chasing each other and being buddies.

I'd like to gently suggest that you are projecting your own insecurities on your child. The more complex social dynamics won't start until later elementary/MS and like the one PP described a lot can change between now and that time. Right now a lot of friend groups are about the parents so when your child starts K make sure to be involved.

I think the parents of ordinary, neurotypicals kids often come up with posts that say things like "Oh, four year olds don't really have friends!"

You have no idea what it's like to have a really isolated child. It's very glib to go around saying that children that age don't really have friends when your child is constantly part of a social milieu.

By the way, I'm not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 At 4 very few kids, if any, have "real" friends. I know some girls that were very mature at that age and actually talked to their friends but really at this age it's all about chasing each other and being buddies.

I'd like to gently suggest that you are projecting your own insecurities on your child. The more complex social dynamics won't start until later elementary/MS and like the one PP described a lot can change between now and that time. Right now a lot of friend groups are about the parents so when your child starts K make sure to be involved.

I think the parents of ordinary, neurotypicals kids often come up with posts that say things like "Oh, four year olds don't really have friends!"

You have no idea what it's like to have a really isolated child. It's very glib to go around saying that children that age don't really have friends when your child is constantly part of a social milieu.

No, I made one of those comments, and my child actually is socially isolated due to his social skills deficits. OP's child doesn't sound isolated or like he has social deficits.

[Anonymous]

how does autistic kid act at the park? park situation is so difficult for my autistic kid. I saw people move away from him at the park yesterday. it was very hard for me to watch that.

[Anonymous]

This is op. Thanks for the perspective and great advice. It is truly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Ugh... my child is now 8 and is still the "bad guy" or "it" or the one that everyone runs from. He loves it, but we can't help but feel that he doesn't really get that he's on the outside of the group dynamic.

He has ASD. I am happy that he wants to be a part of the action on the playground. It took a long time to even get to this point where interacting is something he wants/handles without melting down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh... my child is now 8 and is still the "bad guy" or "it" or the one that everyone runs from. He loves it, but we can't help but feel that he doesn't really get that he's on the outside of the group dynamic.

He has ASD. I am happy that he wants to be a part of the action on the playground. It took a long time to even get to this point where interacting is something he wants/handles without melting down.

Thanks you stated it perfectly pp.