Snowplow Parenting

[Anonymous]

I read an article about “snowplow parenting” , connecting it to the Ivy League admissions cheating scandal. I don’t have the resources to bribe anyone to get anything. However, I recognized myself in these parents. Over involved, controlling, somewhat obsessed. I’m constantly asking about friends, making “suggestions”, ie you should say this, text that. I already have a list of the best colleges and graduate schools for my middle schooler. I know I need to turn it way down, but it’s almost compulsive. I’m admitting this in this cruel space, expecting verbal abuse but hoping for suggestions. Is there a 12 step program from kid addiction?!

[Anonymous]

How about getting your own life?
Seriously.

If you have your own identity and your own self-worth, then you don’t need your kid’s life to fill yours. If your entire identity is about being Larla’s mom, then you obsess about Larla. But if you’re a great co-worker or a great painter or great lover of reading or a great volunteer at a shelter, then there’s no need to derive your identity from your kid.

I have middle schooler and high schooler. I’m engaged in what’s going on in their lives, but up to a point if only because I just don’t have the energy or brain power to be obsessive. I have other things in my life—friends, work, interests—that also take up that energy and brain power. And it also helps that I have a spouse that is both a great friend and is engaged with our kids. We share that and would definitely check the other if one was becoming consumed with our kids’ lives.

So start with doing something that is totally unrelated to your kid. Sign up for a class or commit to reading or get a job outside the home (if you don’t have one).

[Anonymous]

Remember, the more you try to control, the less your children will tell you. Instead of giving them specific directions, ask questions like "What do you think?" Your goal here is to raise confident, independent thinkers.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree with a lot of your post. I’m extremely busy, but not necessarily fulfilled. Also, I think its fear. Trying to help them avoid mistakes I made. The consequences seem so much more severe today, with social media etc. I know I need to pull back to allow the opportunity to learn from mistakes, it’s just hard as f#%!.

[Anonymous]

Read the self driven child. There is a YouTube too if a talk they gave at politics and prose. Completely changed my thinking/parenting.

[Anonymous]

I am a snowplow parent and don’t apologize for it or feel bad. Social media allowing me to connect back with people I knew growing up has taught me that who you are as a teen is who you are as an adult and the ones who change are exceptions not the rule.

The kids who were smart, involved, organized, out going and put together as teens are the adults who are still that way and have great careers and have done very well. You can tell by their career choice, place they live, activities they do now, etc. this is the kind of thing you glean not from their over happy posts but the background in the posts and their LinkedIn profiles and in some cases published work, and so on

The kids like me who were in the middle - did ok, got by went to college, got a normal job and so on - stayed the same in adulthood. We may have talked a good game back in the day about having ambition but we weren’t going to do anything to hard to achieve them.

I can also see now but couldn’t see when I was a teen that social skills build on themselves and kids who miss out on developing them at each stage life do end up a bit farther behind the curve each year and catching up becomes very difficult.

I know there are going to be plenty of posts telling me how wrong I am but remember exceptions are what people advertise and talk about. No one brags about the literal millions who do not become exceptions.

[Anonymous]

I also have to hold myself back from being a snowplow parent. I have to check myself frequently. You want your child to succeed and it's so tempting to pave the way for them rather than let them make some mistakes and learn from them.

I don't think snowplow parenting is all that new, though. PP suggested that the people who had it together in high school are the ones who also have it together today. I would push back on that a bit. Those who had it together in high school - through their own ambition, efforts, etc and not their parents' snowplowing - are by and large the ones who have it together today. I went to a private school in the NY metro which even though this was 30 years ago looked pretty similar to what you see today in terms of very heightened competition, unhealthy focus on admission to the right elite schools, etc. Many of my classmates were the "beneficiaries" of snowplow parenting back then. Parents who made sure their kid was in the right sports, activities, groups, clubs, test prep, etc. Some of those people who appeared extremely successful back then also appear to be very successful today. But not all. Many are thoroughly unimpressive today. My parents were not snowplows (they didn't have the money or the "savvy" to be so) and so my successes then (and now) are really the results of my own drive and efforts. Back then, I appeared relatively less impressive than many of my classmates; today, I think I appear relatively more impressive (financially, career success, etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a snowplow parent and don’t apologize for it or feel bad. Social media allowing me to connect back with people I knew growing up has taught me that who you are as a teen is who you are as an adult and the ones who change are exceptions not the rule.

The kids who were smart, involved, organized, out going and put together as teens are the adults who are still that way and have great careers and have done very well. You can tell by their career choice, place they live, activities they do now, etc. this is the kind of thing you glean not from their over happy posts but the background in the posts and their LinkedIn profiles and in some cases published work, and so on

The kids like me who were in the middle - did ok, got by went to college, got a normal job and so on - stayed the same in adulthood. We may have talked a good game back in the day about having ambition but we weren’t going to do anything to hard to achieve them.

I can also see now but couldn’t see when I was a teen that social skills build on themselves and kids who miss out on developing them at each stage life do end up a bit farther behind the curve each year and catching up becomes very difficult.

I know there are going to be plenty of posts telling me how wrong I am but remember exceptions are what people advertise and talk about. No one brags about the literal millions who do not become exceptions.

OP - good on you that you have the self awareness to realize this is a problem and want to do something about it. Continually remind yourself of this. Don't be like this person who seems to measure self worth by the prestige of their career and bank account. Guessing she is going to be very lonely in her old age, as her kids are probably not going to want to continually listen to her telling them what losers they are. It seems clear that this person is unfulfilled herself/himself, guessing if they have this outlook on life nobody likes them anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a 12 step program for you, but maybe you could try taking a week off and seeing how that goes? What could happen in a week of Mom not hovering? Or take a week and be a submarine parent: just below the surface, and only pop up when needed.

See how you do, and how your kids react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a snowplow parent and don’t apologize for it or feel bad. Social media allowing me to connect back with people I knew growing up has taught me that who you are as a teen is who you are as an adult and the ones who change are exceptions not the rule.

The kids who were smart, involved, organized, out going and put together as teens are the adults who are still that way and have great careers and have done very well. You can tell by their career choice, place they live, activities they do now, etc. this is the kind of thing you glean not from their over happy posts but the background in the posts and their LinkedIn profiles and in some cases published work, and so on

The kids like me who were in the middle - did ok, got by went to college, got a normal job and so on - stayed the same in adulthood. We may have talked a good game back in the day about having ambition but we weren’t going to do anything to hard to achieve them.

I can also see now but couldn’t see when I was a teen that social skills build on themselves and kids who miss out on developing them at each stage life do end up a bit farther behind the curve each year and catching up becomes very difficult.

I know there are going to be plenty of posts telling me how wrong I am but remember exceptions are what people advertise and talk about. No one brags about the literal millions who do not become exceptions.

Op here. I think you touched on a deeper layer of my fear. I think of the opportunities I missed out on as a teenager due to laziness and ignorance. I was asked by a teacher to move to an advanced science class in 9th grade. I said no because I didn’t want to work that hard. So many other social opportunities I rejected because I felt more comfortable with my friends from the neighborhood. Don’t even get me started about bad dating choices. I learned from my mistakes. I was raised middle class and am still middle class. I just want better for my children. This drives the compulsion to know everything, to comment on everything, to intervene and give advice about everything! I’m not proud of my parenting right now.

I appreciate all the responses and will check out the book suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a 12 step program for you, but maybe you could try taking a week off and seeing how that goes? What could happen in a week of Mom not hovering? Or take a week and be a submarine parent: just below the surface, and only pop up when needed.

See how you do, and how your kids react.

Op again... love the submarine analogy!

[Anonymous]

I have a child with learning disabilities who is also moderately gifted. Seeking an adequate education for him has been challenging, because his handicaps are severe enough that he needs a lot of extra time and other accommodations, but at the same time he is academically-inclined and wants to take the most challenging classes. It's hard for some people to understand that a child still has the right to be accommodated for their disabilities even if they are intellectually ready for AP classes.

So I HAVE to be more involved than a normal parent! My husband and I don't have the luxury of choosing, if we want this child to have a half-decent shot at his learning all the things he wants to learn.

I have another child who will be fine, whatever we do or don't do! It's incredible how different they are and it all has to do with executive functioning, not intelligence.

So sometimes more involved parenting is in the best interest of the child, and I don't like seeing these generalizations in the news about how one should step back. That doesn't work for everyone.

[Anonymous]

In addition to the suggestions here, ask yourself what you really want for your child. For me, I want my child to grow into a confident, competent, resilient, responsible, kind adult. Doing things for her, clearing her path of obstacles, etc., will not help her develop real confidence--which is not just the confidence that you can do things, but also the confidence that you can solve problems and handle setbacks and adversity. They need to learn that they can make mistakes, they can fail at something, they can have their hearts broken, and they can get back up and keep going, and maybe find something even better down the road, and I think it's better to learn those things when the stakes are lower.

It's hard in the moment, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that you have to have faith in your children. That doesn't mean being totally hands-off--I try to be a sounding board, to help her talk through problems, ask questions, make suggestions, but she has to own her own life. She's always got a safe place to land, but I have to let her figure out how to fly on her own.

The best analogy for me is the story of a person who found a butterfly in the process of emerging from a chrysalis. The butterfly was struggling to get out of a small opening. Thinking to help the butterfly, the person took a small pair of scissors and, with a few snips, made the hole larger. The butterfly quickly emerged. But it looked funny--it had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The butterfly never flew. It turns out that the struggle to squeeze out of the cocoon was necessary to push the fluid out of its body and to strengthen its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly could not fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the suggestions here, ask yourself what you really want for your child. For me, I want my child to grow into a confident, competent, resilient, responsible, kind adult. Doing things for her, clearing her path of obstacles, etc., will not help her develop real confidence--which is not just the confidence that you can do things, but also the confidence that you can solve problems and handle setbacks and adversity. They need to learn that they can make mistakes, they can fail at something, they can have their hearts broken, and they can get back up and keep going, and maybe find something even better down the road, and I think it's better to learn those things when the stakes are lower.

It's hard in the moment, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that you have to have faith in your children. That doesn't mean being totally hands-off--I try to be a sounding board, to help her talk through problems, ask questions, make suggestions, but she has to own her own life. She's always got a safe place to land, but I have to let her figure out how to fly on her own.

The best analogy for me is the story of a person who found a butterfly in the process of emerging from a chrysalis. The butterfly was struggling to get out of a small opening. Thinking to help the butterfly, the person took a small pair of scissors and, with a few snips, made the hole larger. The butterfly quickly emerged. But it looked funny--it had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The butterfly never flew. It turns out that the struggle to squeeze out of the cocoon was necessary to push the fluid out of its body and to strengthen its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly could not fly.

This is a great post. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the suggestions here, ask yourself what you really want for your child. For me, I want my child to grow into a confident, competent, resilient, responsible, kind adult. Doing things for her, clearing her path of obstacles, etc., will not help her develop real confidence--which is not just the confidence that you can do things, but also the confidence that you can solve problems and handle setbacks and adversity. They need to learn that they can make mistakes, they can fail at something, they can have their hearts broken, and they can get back up and keep going, and maybe find something even better down the road, and I think it's better to learn those things when the stakes are lower.

It's hard in the moment, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that you have to have faith in your children. That doesn't mean being totally hands-off--I try to be a sounding board, to help her talk through problems, ask questions, make suggestions, but she has to own her own life. She's always got a safe place to land, but I have to let her figure out how to fly on her own.

The best analogy for me is the story of a person who found a butterfly in the process of emerging from a chrysalis. The butterfly was struggling to get out of a small opening. Thinking to help the butterfly, the person took a small pair of scissors and, with a few snips, made the hole larger. The butterfly quickly emerged. But it looked funny--it had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The butterfly never flew. It turns out that the struggle to squeeze out of the cocoon was necessary to push the fluid out of its body and to strengthen its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly could not fly.

This is a good post. In parenting my kids I've tried to find the middle ground between benign neglect and over-involvement. Failure is a great motivator and great teacher. Think of your own life and the lessons you learned from failure. Your kids need to learn those lessons too.

And it's not just resilience that you need to learn, it's adaptability. It's being able to cope and be satisfied with less than ideal conditions. I was reminded of this by the article I think OP was referring to

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/03/16/style/snowplow-parenting-scandal.html

where they refer to kids who have to leave a top college because

"they don’t have the minimal kinds of adult skills that one needs to be in college.”

One came home because there was a rat in the dorm room. Some didn’t like their roommates. Others said it was too much work, and they had never learned independent study skills. One didn’t like to eat food with sauce. Her whole life, her parents had helped her avoid sauce, calling friends before going to their houses for dinner. At college, she didn’t know how to cope with the cafeteria options — covered in sauce.

I can remember 2 different times that mothers called me after I invited their kid over for dinner, to tell me their kid "wouldn't eat sauce." I wondered what happened to those anti-sauce kids - now I know.