Snowplow Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an article about “snowplow parenting” , connecting it to the Ivy League admissions cheating scandal. I don’t have the resources to bribe anyone to get anything. However, I recognized myself in these parents. Over involved, controlling, somewhat obsessed. I’m constantly asking about friends, making “suggestions”, ie you should say this, text that. I already have a list of the best colleges and graduate schools for my middle schooler. I know I need to turn it way down, but it’s almost compulsive. I’m admitting this in this cruel space, expecting verbal abuse but hoping for suggestions. Is there a 12 step program from kid addiction?!

I hear you and recognize a little of myself in your post (though, with my great restraint, I waited until dd was a freshman to start searching best college programs-ha)! I guess we just need to focus on the day to day more and recognize they don't need us as much, so we should invest some of that energy elsewhere. Hang in there, and ignore the nasties. You love your kid, and that's cool.

Invest the energy in YOURSELF. you deserve it, you have been in the parenting trenches for many years doing it all for them when they were little, as they gain independence you get a gift of getting some of that time and bandwidth back for yourself. Learn something new, or go back to an old hobby . I have a list of things I want to be able to start or go back to. I'm looking forward to guitar lessons, who cares if I'm old, it's fun.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the helping with homework/projects thing

That should never be something you do with your kids unless they are truly not getting the material

It's not your job to tell them how to make the project better it's THEIR project NOT YOURS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a snowplow parent and don’t apologize for it or feel bad. Social media allowing me to connect back with people I knew growing up has taught me that who you are as a teen is who you are as an adult and the ones who change are exceptions not the rule.

The kids who were smart, involved, organized, out going and put together as teens are the adults who are still that way and have great careers and have done very well. You can tell by their career choice, place they live, activities they do now, etc. this is the kind of thing you glean not from their over happy posts but the background in the posts and their LinkedIn profiles and in some cases published work, and so on

The kids like me who were in the middle - did ok, got by went to college, got a normal job and so on - stayed the same in adulthood. We may have talked a good game back in the day about having ambition but we weren’t going to do anything to hard to achieve them.

I can also see now but couldn’t see when I was a teen that social skills build on themselves and kids who miss out on developing them at each stage life do end up a bit farther behind the curve each year and catching up becomes very difficult.

I know there are going to be plenty of posts telling me how wrong I am but remember exceptions are what people advertise and talk about. No one brags about the literal millions who do not become exceptions.

But do you think that your "snowplow parenting"- overinvolvement, removing obstacles from your child's path, etc- is helping them become kids who are smart, involved, organized, driven, etc? I think it's the absolute opposite. I think those kids aren't ever given the chance to experience adversity in a low stakes situation (like forgetting to turn in an assignment in 7th grade, or being mean to a friend in 8th grade and having your other friends ostracize you at lunch for a week because of it) because their parents intervene, intercept, and involve themselves to the extent that the child never learns how to cope.

[Anonymous]

So, I read the article, then clicked a link to another article, "The Sometimes Catastrophic, but Mostly Just Embarrassing Consequences of Screen Sharing at Work"

And was bemused by the thought that these same young people, if they DO go back to the dorms with their rats and sauce and finish college, STILL have to text a friend (who is presenting a power point to the boardroom) for support while they have a BM in a workplace bathroom.

[Anonymous]

You’re hurting your kid if you’re still checking homework or helping with projects by the end of elementary school.

[Anonymous]

I think it is people who think they didn't do something, didn't go for it...have regrets for not traveling, doing something fun or daring themselves. Basically, most of people, that just went with the flow and nothing much happened to them. But, I also think that is societal pressure today to be "something." When we were growing up, I don't recall a single teen that was trying to be famous, travel the world, play 2 sports, go to Ivies..sure rich people did that, but now that is the desire of all kids and parents, due to social media. It is unrealistic and makes people unhappy with their perfectly happy lives and nice kids. Being nice is being average, being ok at your job is being a loser today. No wonder people are going nuts with their kids, you are directed from all sides to do better ,give more, pay more...it is so tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with learning disabilities who is also moderately gifted. Seeking an adequate education for him has been challenging, because his handicaps are severe enough that he needs a lot of extra time and other accommodations, but at the same time he is academically-inclined and wants to take the most challenging classes. It's hard for some people to understand that a child still has the right to be accommodated for their disabilities even if they are intellectually ready for AP classes.

So I HAVE to be more involved than a normal parent! My husband and I don't have the luxury of choosing, if we want this child to have a half-decent shot at his learning all the things he wants to learn.

I have another child who will be fine, whatever we do or don't do! It's incredible how different they are and it all has to do with executive functioning, not intelligence.

So sometimes more involved parenting is in the best interest of the child, and I don't like seeing these generalizations in the news about how one should step back. That doesn't work for everyone.
+1. It totally depends on the needs of the kid. This is my life as well. People do not understand my involvement though. Think about what a snow plow actually is. It clears a path for people to drive smoothly. I'm not sure that's a bad thing. We are parents after all. Isn't that kind of the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re hurting your kid if you’re still checking homework or helping with projects by the end of elementary school.

I totally disagree. It depends on the kid and what will help them develop.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids just had a project due that is directly in my area of expertise. I could have helped her knock it out of the park.

But I didn't help my kid other than to ask a few questions like "what's your main point?" and "how are you going to explain it?" Then I let her do it all herself. I suggested she re-read the whole thing for spelling and punctuation errors, but I didn't tell her what to change.

She turned it in as is. More than half of the projects in the class were obviously done by parents. How can kids learn if their parents do the work for them? My child got a decent grade. She would have gotten top grades with my help. But it's all HER work, not mine. As it should be.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it will help you to envision your kids once they are out of your house and think about what skills they will be lacking if you do everything for them now. If you decide what colleges they should apply to in high school, and check or help with their homework, and tell them how to interact with friends, will they have the skills to choose their classes wisely in college? To decide what extracurricular activities to get involved with? To get papers done on time? To apply for jobs after graduation? To get their own apartments and pay bills? Or are you going to keep doing those things for them forever?

Think about non-intervention not as slacking off as a parent but as allowing your kids to learn the skills of self-sufficiency, internal motivation, and self-confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the analogies have to be with some kind of vehicle? Helicopter...snowplow....?

Ok, I'll play. I am an "automatic-mine-sweeper-with-state-of-art-high-tech-sensors" parent. In other words, I look at my kid with a very clear eye - weaknesses, strengths, passions, future growth - and then look at what he need to do in the next 6 months, year, 4 year etc., to reach goals. Then I ask him what he wants to do, his goals, his dreams etc, and chart out what steps are needed to reach those goals.

To put in the work for short term and long term is my kid's responsibility, not mine. What needs to be done, who are the best resources, what are the best pathways - these do get researched by me and presented to my DC. The grunt work based on the framework is my kid's responsibility. I am not monitoring grades, assignments, exams, tests. I expect a steller report card and highest academic performance through school. I expect a great resume for college with EC, community work etc. I expect that my kid will do that on his own and will ask for help if he needs it. I expect time management and project management skills in juggling every thing. I am available for all logistical support - food, clothes, material, tutors, transportation, fees, research, travelling, medical, college funding - and I am available 24/7. But at the end of it all, if he needs to put in work 5 hours after school every day - I am cool with it.

And if he cannot hack writing his own essays after all the enrichment he has been given over years - he does not deserve to be in college!

Helicopter parents do precisely the minesweeping you describe. If you’re researching the best “pathways” and forcing your kid to execute, then you’re a helicopter.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like your kid is in high school. It’s easy to say, “My kid will write his own essays in 3 years.” But if you’re making all the choices now, that’s unlikely to happens. There are always excuses—college counselor isn’t helping enough, too busy with ECs etc.

[Anonymous]

All you parents are setting yourselves up for failure. You can force a kid to do their homework at age 10 but can you instruct a 16yo to practise safe sex? It's not just academics you have to worry about. It's also life choices, and you have zero control over that as your children age out of your care. But of course, they will surely want your assistance and money. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear some examples of where parents let their child fail (or potentially fail). We had one example where a parent didn't help a child with a school project. Are there other examples? Other than with schoolwork, I'm having a hard time finding examples in my parenting and I don't really consider myself a "snowplow" parent.

Like as in the rowing example, sports can be good for this. My DC has tried out for teams and not made them. They are on a middling soccer team. I encourage DC to practice more, but she hasn't been motivated. So she's stayed on the middling team. Just recently, DC has been wanting to put extra work in and get better. Much better than me forcing extra practice, trying to get her onto a better team, yelling from the sidelines, saying something to the coach, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids just had a project due that is directly in my area of expertise. I could have helped her knock it out of the park.

But I didn't help my kid other than to ask a few questions like "what's your main point?" and "how are you going to explain it?" Then I let her do it all herself. I suggested she re-read the whole thing for spelling and punctuation errors, but I didn't tell her what to change.

She turned it in as is. More than half of the projects in the class were obviously done by parents. How can kids learn if their parents do the work for them? My child got a decent grade. She would have gotten top grades with my help. But it's all HER work, not mine. As it should be.

I’m a teacher, and you are 100% doing the right thing. Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should read How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims. She addresses the reasons why over parenting is actually counterproductive.