Snowplow Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my kids just had a project due that is directly in my area of expertise. I could have helped her knock it out of the park.

But I didn't help my kid other than to ask a few questions like "what's your main point?" and "how are you going to explain it?" Then I let her do it all herself. I suggested she re-read the whole thing for spelling and punctuation errors, but I didn't tell her what to change.

She turned it in as is. More than half of the projects in the class were obviously done by parents. How can kids learn if their parents do the work for them? My child got a decent grade. She would have gotten top grades with my help. But it's all HER work, not mine. As it should be.

Did the teacher mark ever single thing that was incorrect and give comments on how to make it better? If not, that is a good reason for parents to step in. When my kids were young, they got great grades for mediocre work, so I stepped in to teach them what they should be striving for. Before turning it in, they were motivated to work with me. If I had waited until afterwards, they would not have been as willing to learn from me. There’s a big difference between teaching and doing a kid’s work for them, so that’s important. It took a lot more time to have to work with me, but they learned valuable stuff.

I agree with this, and don't think you're too far off from what the PP was saying. I'm the teacher that commented, btw. It's obvious when a parent does the project. What you're describing is called scaffolding, and that's appropriate to a certain extent. You're teaching your child what an acceptable standard is. You're giving them expectations. However, this should really be happening at a lower grade level and then you taper off. By middle school it should really be hands off unless there are other special needs. At that point, it should be more consequence driven. Like, you understand the expectations, you've demonstrated in the past you're capable of achieving them. Now that you didn't, this household consequence occurs. Middle school is when you want kids to really refine their self management skills. Failing is not nearly as consequential as high school, which is when guidance needs to be at a minimum. I can't tell you how many snowplow parents I've seen whose kids fail out of the first year of college because they have no idea what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the suggestions here, ask yourself what you really want for your child. For me, I want my child to grow into a confident, competent, resilient, responsible, kind adult. Doing things for her, clearing her path of obstacles, etc., will not help her develop real confidence--which is not just the confidence that you can do things, but also the confidence that you can solve problems and handle setbacks and adversity. They need to learn that they can make mistakes, they can fail at something, they can have their hearts broken, and they can get back up and keep going, and maybe find something even better down the road, and I think it's better to learn those things when the stakes are lower.

It's hard in the moment, but ultimately it comes down to the fact that you have to have faith in your children. That doesn't mean being totally hands-off--I try to be a sounding board, to help her talk through problems, ask questions, make suggestions, but she has to own her own life. She's always got a safe place to land, but I have to let her figure out how to fly on her own.

The best analogy for me is the story of a person who found a butterfly in the process of emerging from a chrysalis. The butterfly was struggling to get out of a small opening. Thinking to help the butterfly, the person took a small pair of scissors and, with a few snips, made the hole larger. The butterfly quickly emerged. But it looked funny--it had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The butterfly never flew. It turns out that the struggle to squeeze out of the cocoon was necessary to push the fluid out of its body and to strengthen its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly could not fly.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re hurting your kid if you’re still checking homework or helping with projects by the end of elementary school.

I totally disagree. It depends on the kid and what will help them develop.

Yeah, this. I have 2 boys. I've noticed their standardized testing percentiles are almost identical. But the younger one is super competitive and slightly neurotic while the older one is the nicest, chillest kid but disinterested in school and totally averse to competition. Older one can do fine on his own with a lot of oversight of the MCPS portal and prodding. Younger one needs almost no reminders whatsoever. To those who know us as parents through our older kid, we'd probably look like helicopters by virtue of monitoring his grades near constantly. To those who know us through the younger one, we probably look delinquent. Different kids need different types of parenting at different times in their lives. My older son has such a good personality and innate sense of decency that I know he will do well in life -- but he does need more guidance now. The younger one may sail through school but will probably keep us up nights for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing is these type of parents really and truly think they are doing their job. You simply can't convince them otherwise. A friend says her high school daughter is really anxious about school and that's just her personality. I refrain from reminding her how she reviewed and corrected her child's schoolwork every night in elementary and middle school and supervised every project and science fair. She thought her husband was actually neglectful because he didn't do it.

Nothing wrong with checking HW to make sure your kid understands the material, but I draw the line at getting involved in projects, unless it's something the child really does need help with. Luckily, my kids have done their own projects with very minimal help/guidance from me.

One time I tried to make suggestions on a project to my DS, and he started to get agitated so I backed off. Sometimes he does take suggestions, though. I think that's important for them to learn, too, the ability to take criticism and suggestions.

I’ve always wondered why the elementary schools push the projects that involve parents (photos are a sore spot for me - as much as I’d like to be hands off my 6 year old can’t produce a photo to cut and paste on a poster part without me since all our photos these days are digital without forthought & my 5th grader has a presentation where part of his checklist is to get me to critique 3 rounds of practice with a rather long form for my feedback. At least in my district the schools make parents the snowplow even if they don’t want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re hurting your kid if you’re still checking homework or helping with projects by the end of elementary school.

I totally disagree. It depends on the kid and what will help them develop.

Yeah, this. I have 2 boys. I've noticed their standardized testing percentiles are almost identical. But the younger one is super competitive and slightly neurotic while the older one is the nicest, chillest kid but disinterested in school and totally averse to competition. Older one can do fine on his own with a lot of oversight of the MCPS portal and prodding. Younger one needs almost no reminders whatsoever. To those who know us as parents through our older kid, we'd probably look like helicopters by virtue of monitoring his grades near constantly. To those who know us through the younger one, we probably look delinquent. Different kids need different types of parenting at different times in their lives. My older son has such a good personality and innate sense of decency that I know he will do well in life -- but he does need more guidance now. The younger one may sail through school but will probably keep us up nights for other reasons.

+ 1000!! I have the chill one but a daughter. She is going to do amazing in life but getting through HS will take continued scaffolding and support! 2 years 2 months to go. Can't wait for her sake for a cool college or gap year experience that suits her interests. BTW those of us supporting these kinds of kids are not looking for them to be straight A student and get into Ivy League colleges. We are just helping them meet their potential and oh by the way isn't that what parents are supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re hurting your kid if you’re still checking homework or helping with projects by the end of elementary school.

This is bullshit. Even in many workplaces, there is a level of review: review for content and typos. My briefs and memos and investigative reports get reviewed by 1-3 people depending on who the audience is.

Checking their homework and flagging issues to reconsider or wrong answers is not a problem. That's life. If your doing their work and giving the answers, that is the problem.

I TOTALLY agree!! I'm trying to teach this to my high schooler right now. She resists an edit on an English paper and yet will get it back saying she should've gotten an edit. This is how life is, there is quality control that happens in the workplace on every single thing.