I am so much more relaxed when my husband is gone...

[Anonymous]

My DH was gone for the day and there was so much less stress and tension. I had more energy to clean, play with the kids, be social with neighbors and I even called a few friends I don't get to see often because my DH adds stress to social situations. I am beginning to realize how much much of my energy goes to managing his moods.

He refuses treatment for his anxiety and depression and today I got a glimse of the old me with him gone. Has anyone else experienced this? We have not talked about divorce but it is not an happy marriage. Just wondering what others have done in this situation..

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat. I have no answers - struggling with it now - but you're not alone. His mood disorders take up ALL the air. I'm working on trying to live a life that doesn't let this happen but it is really, really hard.

[Anonymous]

I’d be thinking about therapy for myself to understand why I’m settling for a life with someone who refuses treatment.

You get one shot at this life, OP. Don’t you want your kids to live in a home, even if part-time, that is filled with joy, spontaneity and laughter. A home where one parent is walking on eggshells is not a place to raise emotionally healthy kids.

[Anonymous]

Well my husband does not have a mood disorder or other issues, however I feel the same when he is away. I am less irritated, there's less mess, don't have to cook a huge meal everyday, I enjoy being with the kids more, and we just seem to have more time to do things we want to do without him being difficult about it.

[Anonymous]

Wow, ladies. I'm glad I'm not the only one, although I'm sorry for your situations. My husband is angry at me often because he feels I was not the right person to get married to, because I don't share his passions and am less intellectual than he is. But neither of us wants to split up because of the kids. He's depressed because he has no friends, yet he does not seem to like anyone and finds normal social interactions "superficial" and "a waste of time"; yet he does nothing to try to figure out how to meet with people he might connect with (whoever that is). He's also bitter about the way his life has turned out, separate from anything having to do with me. I am much more relaxed when he's not home, because I don't have to worry about his sudden bad moods. When he travels for work it feels like a gift. Anyway, you guys aren't alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, ladies. I'm glad I'm not the only one, although I'm sorry for your situations. My husband is angry at me often because he feels I was not the right person to get married to, because I don't share his passions and am less intellectual than he is. But neither of us wants to split up because of the kids. He's depressed because he has no friends, yet he does not seem to like anyone and finds normal social interactions "superficial" and "a waste of time"; yet he does nothing to try to figure out how to meet with people he might connect with (whoever that is). He's also bitter about the way his life has turned out, separate from anything having to do with me. I am much more relaxed when he's not home, because I don't have to worry about his sudden bad moods. When he travels for work it feels like a gift. Anyway, you guys aren't alone.

What does this even mean? You’re okay with your kids being in a home where their parents have a dysfunctional relationship? Do you think they don’t know that their father isn’t depressed and awful to be around? What exactly is the positive thing about making them live in this situation? I’m genuinely curious how you square this.

[Anonymous]

Both my dh and I could say this about each other.

I don’t think it’s a bad relationship. In fact, we love being without kids!!!! Took a week vacation together and there were no minor squabbles even. We got along fine even though some hiccups.

I just think he’s one more body, one more opinion. And so am I.

Take 1 kid away, for a play date. Or just any one individual out of the house all day... and it’s much more pleasant.

[Anonymous]

This can go both ways. It's exactly my situation when DW is away. Everything is so much calmer and more manageable. Her anxiety and condescension sap so much of the family energy, particularly when she's in one of her frequent grumpy moods. When she's away, it's more work to keep everything running - but at the same time it is so much less stressful. An interesting phenomenon. I think this is probably the case for most/all as a PP pointed out (one less body, one less opinion to deal with, etc.). Mental illness in one of the partners just makes the contrast so much more apparent when that person is absent.

[Anonymous]

Same here. I think one day/night is healthy distance when managing ups and downs of life. Even lovers need a night away to quote the song.

[Anonymous]

I don't like when my husband travels. I get lonely and scared. Stay up all night looking out the window. I feel a part of me is missing. Eat bad food, stay home and count the days till he returns. The only thing I do enjoy is cleaning my house from top to bottom. I do a room a day.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot to be said fro being a single mother with joint custody!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot to be said fro being a single mother with joint custody!

This is where I am!


I had no idea how much his general asshattery impacted our tenure home/peace/productivity. Life is so simple and good without the ogre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like when my husband travels. I get lonely and scared. Stay up all night looking out the window. I feel a part of me is missing. Eat bad food, stay home and count the days till he returns. The only thing I do enjoy is cleaning my house from top to bottom. I do a room a day.

This is not normal. You are very dependent on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

My DH travels every other week and, though it is more work, definitely less stress. I think it’s because when he’s here, I expect him to help and get frustrated when he doesn’t. When he’s gone, I have a routine that I follow to get everything done myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, ladies. I'm glad I'm not the only one, although I'm sorry for your situations. My husband is angry at me often because he feels I was not the right person to get married to, because I don't share his passions and am less intellectual than he is. But neither of us wants to split up because of the kids. He's depressed because he has no friends, yet he does not seem to like anyone and finds normal social interactions "superficial" and "a waste of time"; yet he does nothing to try to figure out how to meet with people he might connect with (whoever that is). He's also bitter about the way his life has turned out, separate from anything having to do with me. I am much more relaxed when he's not home, because I don't have to worry about his sudden bad moods. When he travels for work it feels like a gift. Anyway, you guys aren't alone.

What does this even mean? You’re okay with your kids being in a home where their parents have a dysfunctional relationship? Do you think they don’t know that their father isn’t depressed and awful to be around? What exactly is the positive thing about making them live in this situation? I’m genuinely curious how you square this.

The kids emotional well-being is hardly the only factor. In a divorce you lose half you time with your kids. Would you send you kid to boarding school? If you would never dream of such a thing because it would be terrible to miss out on their childhood, then you know why people sacrifice a lot to avoid seeing their kids only half the time. If you would give away 50% of your money, then you know that the high costs of divorce are also a huge strain on families and that financial burden definitely impacts kids. And leaving your bad marriage doesn’t mean the kids won’t still have to deal with all the same issues between their parents. The only alternative is if one parent abandons the kids which is hardly better for them. If you CAN deal with a bad marriage long term, it isn’t the wrong choice for everyone and a big part of that equation is the kids.