Anyone raising teens or tweens who were adopted?

[Anonymous]

Mine is having a tough time right now.
He’s pretty angry and doesn’t really understand why.
Takes it all out on me. I can be the punching bag but I
wish I knew how to make him feel better.
He’s too old to just happily accept the adoption narrative that his birth parents were unable to care for him so chose us to be his parents out of love — but too young to understand how some people might not feel equipped to be parents and would choose adoption.

[Anonymous]

I raised a boy who was adopted. He always understood. Maybe you're not explaining it right while simultaneously giving him an outlet for that anger.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I’m not explaining it right. Or maybe my kid is different from yours?

What are the magic words?

[Anonymous]

I don't Op but I have worked with teens who were adopted and its okay for them to sit with big feelings. Adolescence is the stage of identity development and adoption is a part of that angst. It gets magnified but better they experience these feelings and this angst with your love and support around them.

Going through a hard time can be a good thing in the long run. It is okay to not have the answers, it is okay that you don't fix his feelings or make him happy. This is part of his life and the struggle of human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m not explaining it right. Or maybe my kid is different from yours?

What are the magic words?

Different words are different for different kids. You have to find what level he's at and talk to him there. My son knew his bio mom's name and where to find her. We once drove over and spent an afternoon sitting in the car across the street from her house. I had to take him so I didn't lose him. He wound up getting back in the car and crying the whole way home. But after that he felt much more settled, because at that point, HE chose, rather than it being chosen for him.

[Anonymous]

CASE has several offices in the area, you may want to get some counseling sessions.

[Anonymous]

My D blamed me for everything wrong in her life. Even said she wish she was back in Russia with her real Mom who all we know was a pregnant teen. D also was pretty popular with her peers, but always complained that she didn't feel like she belonged. She is currently in group therapy and doing better.

[Anonymous]

I have three adopted kids. Oldest handled all of the adoption issues really well. Youngest is too early to tell. Middle one has had major crises over the abandonment issues. He is currently in a residential treatment program that has a specialty in adoption trauma, attachment issues and abandonment. Having a therapist and a program with these specialties has been life changing.

I have to admit pause by your adoption narrative. It sounds great for a five year old but I can’t imagine e teens buying it. Do you really know that the decision was out of love?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three adopted kids. Oldest handled all of the adoption issues really well. Youngest is too early to tell. Middle one has had major crises over the abandonment issues. He is currently in a residential treatment program that has a specialty in adoption trauma, attachment issues and abandonment. Having a therapist and a program with these specialties has been life changing.

I have to admit pause by your adoption narrative. It sounds great for a five year old but I can’t imagine e teens buying it. Do you really know that the decision was out of love?

I was adopted, and that was the story they told me. As an adult, I understand that it can be more complicated, but I still think that it was a decision made in love. My birthmom didn't give me up because she hated me, she gave me up because she was an unmarried college student who didn't feel like she could take care of a kid and wanted me to have a better life. And because she wanted to finish her degree and get a good job and get out of poverty, and caring for a baby could make that difficult-to-impossible. It was both selfish and loving, and that's okay. The critical thing for me was understanding that it wasn't really about me--she didn't know me. It wasn't a rejection, it was trying to make the best of bad circumstances. And I WAS a wanted child--I was wanted very much by my parents, who didn't have to have me, they chose to have me.

It's also important to remember that adolescents can be moody and angry and struggle with things, and it can have nothing to do with being adopted. It's a stormy, turbulent time. I think the thing to emphasize is that you love him and that his feelings are normal, Listen to him, accept where he's at now, and don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three adopted kids. Oldest handled all of the adoption issues really well. Youngest is too early to tell. Middle one has had major crises over the abandonment issues. He is currently in a residential treatment program that has a specialty in adoption trauma, attachment issues and abandonment. Having a therapist and a program with these specialties has been life changing.

I have to admit pause by your adoption narrative. It sounds great for a five year old but I can’t imagine e teens buying it. Do you really know that the decision was out of love?

I was adopted, and that was the story they told me. As an adult, I understand that it can be more complicated, but I still think that it was a decision made in love. My birthmom didn't give me up because she hated me, she gave me up because she was an unmarried college student who didn't feel like she could take care of a kid and wanted me to have a better life. And because she wanted to finish her degree and get a good job and get out of poverty, and caring for a baby could make that difficult-to-impossible. It was both selfish and loving, and that's okay. The critical thing for me was understanding that it wasn't really about me--she didn't know me. It wasn't a rejection, it was trying to make the best of bad circumstances. And I WAS a wanted child--I was wanted very much by my parents, who didn't have to have me, they chose to have me.

It's also important to remember that adolescents can be moody and angry and struggle with things, and it can have nothing to do with being adopted. It's a stormy, turbulent time. I think the thing to emphasize is that you love him and that his feelings are normal, Listen to him, accept where he's at now, and don't take it personally.

NP and adult adoptee here. I agree. In my case, I didn't find my birth family until I was in my late 30s so I didn't know anything about them at all. If someone thinks "love" is too strong a word, then I would say that the birth parents were most likely trying to do right by the child. Will there be exceptions to that? Of course. But I think you can probably go with the default explanation unless there's reason to otherwise.

OP, I echo the suggestion to go to CASE for some guidance for yourself. I have an adopted tween, but we haven't encountered these issues yet. I know there are some difficult things in her adoption narrative and I will go to CASE for guidance when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three adopted kids. Oldest handled all of the adoption issues really well. Youngest is too early to tell. Middle one has had major crises over the abandonment issues. He is currently in a residential treatment program that has a specialty in adoption trauma, attachment issues and abandonment. Having a therapist and a program with these specialties has been life changing.

I have to admit pause by your adoption narrative. It sounds great for a five year old but I can’t imagine e teens buying it. Do you really know that the decision was out of love?

OP here. Just to clarify that it’s not my adoption narrative. It’s the pro-adoption narrative for little kids in this country. My point is that he doesn’t necessarily buy it (I’m not pushing it as The Truth, as we don’t actually know) but he also doesn’t really understand that raising kids is really hard and not everyone is up to it. I think we ended the night pretty ok. It’s true that being a teen can be hard for anyone, adopted or not and I shouldn’t take things personally. He told me he was feeling really angry and he didn’t even understand why, so we talked about some possible reasons and that it’s normal. Case is a good suggestion, also. Thank you for the support.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adoptive mom of a baby so I haven't been in your shoes, but I know Barker has a lot of resources for adoptive parents and teenagers. They do workshops and also provide counseling for parents and teens. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

First off OP I want to commend you for allowing him to be angry. Sometimes people get offended or somehow don't give kids permission to have anger. It's great he confided in you about his anger. He needs to learn not to take it out on you, but the first step is he feels safe enough to tell you he feels this. I think therapy is absolutely the way to go.

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of two adopted kids, the elder of whom is now a tween.

I tell my kids that I just do not know why their birth parents could not take care of them. I just don't know. But I tell them it must have been some adult issue and NOTHING that was their fault. We point to their cousins who are now being born and say, "Look at Baby ___. Is there anything he/she could do that would cause Aunt/Uncle __ not to be able to take care of them" "No." No, of course not. SO it must be an ADULT problem, something far bigger, like money, family, jobs, etc. BUT IT IS NEVER THE BABY'S FAULT OR SOMETHING THE *BABY* DID."

Shrug. Don't know if this will help, but that is where we are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the mom of two adopted kids, the elder of whom is now a tween.

I tell my kids that I just do not know why their birth parents could not take care of them. I just don't know. But I tell them it must have been some adult issue and NOTHING that was their fault. We point to their cousins who are now being born and say, "Look at Baby ___. Is there anything he/she could do that would cause Aunt/Uncle __ not to be able to take care of them" "No." No, of course not. SO it must be an ADULT problem, something far bigger, like money, family, jobs, etc. BUT IT IS NEVER THE BABY'S FAULT OR SOMETHING THE *BABY* DID."

Shrug. Don't know if this will help, but that is where we are now.

PS And this is the truth: I truly do not know. My kids were both adopted internationally so I do not know anything at all about their birth parents or why they were given up for adoption. I suppose the situation would be different if your child was adopted domestically and you do know more details. But I am only telling the truth: I am sorry, I wish I knew, but I just don't know.