Anyone raising teens or tweens who were adopted?

[Anonymous]

Teens get angry. I have two teens. Both girls. One adopted. One not. The bio child has had more anger issues.

When my bio child started really seeming to struggle, I got her a counselor. It was amazing how dramatic the changes were. I also enrolled her in exercise dance classes two days a week (with her reluctant acceptance). That has also made a big difference.

My adopted daughter is encouraged to talk about adoption, her home country etc. etc. She also is better regulated when she has regular physical activity. She has not been interested in a counselor, at least yet.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my DC. Lots of anger and takes it out on me, Mom. Very disregulated at times. Stick with him. Get him support. We didn't love CASE or Barker resources, so it took some time to find the right therapist. We are also in touch with other adopted families that look like ours, which is also helpful to both kids and parents.

He sounds like he's way past the explanation stage...don't fool yourself that its enough. Clearly he is working through the feelings now. Stay with him. He needs to know you're there. Prayers and GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my DC. Lots of anger and takes it out on me, Mom. Very disregulated at times. Stick with him. Get him support. We didn't love CASE or Barker resources, so it took some time to find the right therapist. We are also in touch with other adopted families that look like ours, which is also helpful to both kids and parents.

He sounds like he's way past the explanation stage...don't fool yourself that its enough. Clearly he is working through the feelings now. Stay with him. He needs to know you're there. Prayers and GL.

We didn't love Barker or Case.

[Anonymous]

Sighs, I'm another mom with an angry 14 year old son we adopted from Ethiopia 10 years ago. He's got it in his head that we can ship him back to Ethiopia and his world will be wonderful! It's hard to deal with some one who treats me with such hate and angst. What do we do??!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have three adopted kids. Oldest handled all of the adoption issues really well. Youngest is too early to tell. Middle one has had major crises over the abandonment issues. He is currently in a residential treatment program that has a specialty in adoption trauma, attachment issues and abandonment. Having a therapist and a program with these specialties has been life changing.

I have to admit pause by your adoption narrative. It sounds great for a five year old but I can’t imagine e teens buying it. Do you really know that the decision was out of love?


OP here. Just to clarify that it’s not my adoption narrative. It’s the pro-adoption narrative for little kids in this country. My point is that he doesn’t necessarily buy it (I’m not pushing it as The Truth, as we don’t actually know) but he also doesn’t really understand that raising kids is really hard and not everyone is up to it. I think we ended the night pretty ok. It’s true that being a teen can be hard for anyone, adopted or not and I shouldn’t take things personally. He told me he was feeling really angry and he didn’t even understand why, so we talked about some possible reasons and that it’s normal. Case is a good suggestion, also. Thank you for the support.

He probably feels like he's being lied to. The "out of love" stuff sounds like a lie to teens--he's probably picked up on the fact that you yourself don't necessarily buy into this.
Just be honest and tell him you don't know the birth story. What you DO know is that you love him, and that you very much wanted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my DC. Lots of anger and takes it out on me, Mom. Very disregulated at times. Stick with him. Get him support. We didn't love CASE or Barker resources, so it took some time to find the right therapist. We are also in touch with other adopted families that look like ours, which is also helpful to both kids and parents.

He sounds like he's way past the explanation stage...don't fool yourself that its enough. Clearly he is working through the feelings now. Stay with him. He needs to know you're there. Prayers and GL.

Who is your therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sighs, I'm another mom with an angry 14 year old son we adopted from Ethiopia 10 years ago. He's got it in his head that we can ship him back to Ethiopia and his world will be wonderful! It's hard to deal with some one who treats me with such hate and angst. What do we do??!?

My friend adopted two girls from Ethiopia. Both would have died if they stayed there, in different ways. Can you research with him to see what his life would be like if he lived in Ethiopia so he can see the contrast? BTW, my friend aims to take her daughters back to see their birth parents every 2 to 3 years. She said it really settles them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sighs, I'm another mom with an angry 14 year old son we adopted from Ethiopia 10 years ago. He's got it in his head that we can ship him back to Ethiopia and his world will be wonderful! It's hard to deal with some one who treats me with such hate and angst. What do we do??!?

My friend adopted two girls from Ethiopia. Both would have died if they stayed there, in different ways. Can you research with him to see what his life would be like if he lived in Ethiopia so he can see the contrast? BTW, my friend aims to take her daughters back to see their birth parents every 2 to 3 years. She said it really settles them.

As grown adopted person I would not recommend this. It doesn't matter and it just says 'you better be grateful because I saved you' and I'm pretty sure that is not the message here. Just love them and let them know how much you do.

I was an angry teenager too.. and regrettably I have a lingering memory of yelling at my mom, 'YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER!'. My mom is a saint and I will love her to the end of time, but there are emotions that wax and wane inside an adopted child that can take a long time to balance (in my experience). Teenage life doesn't make that easier.

God bless you people who adopt… Parenthood is tough enough... adding the adoption layer raises that bar. High fives to anyone even considering it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is having a tough time right now.
He’s pretty angry and doesn’t really understand why.
Takes it all out on me. I can be the punching bag but I
wish I knew how to make him feel better.
He’s too old to just happily accept the adoption narrative that his birth parents were unable to care for him so chose us to be his parents out of love — but too young to understand how some people might not feel equipped to be parents and would choose adoption.

So be real about what the situation was. He’s old enough to handle it and he needs that clarity from you. Are you birth parents of a different ethnicity as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my DC. Lots of anger and takes it out on me, Mom. Very disregulated at times. Stick with him. Get him support. We didn't love CASE or Barker resources, so it took some time to find the right therapist. We are also in touch with other adopted families that look like ours, which is also helpful to both kids and parents.

He sounds like he's way past the explanation stage...don't fool yourself that its enough. Clearly he is working through the feelings now. Stay with him. He needs to know you're there. Prayers and GL.

We didn't love Barker or Case.

Barker’s post-adoption program was invaluable to us as we struggled to support our struggling teen. Like anything, what works for one person may not work for another, but I encourage you to at least check them out and have a preliminary conversation about your situation.

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old adopted girl. As a tween, she has lots of anger in general and much is focused at me. Heard I hate you, you aren't my mom, this isn't my family more times than I can count in past few months.

Right now I am just hanging on. I can't fix the anger. I think she has the right to be angry because choices were made for her before she was old enough to be consulted. I have heard many tweens struggle but the struggles of adopted kids can be very intense.

So I am passing you a virtual tissue OP. You and I can cry together while we love these kids who don't always seem loveable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sighs, I'm another mom with an angry 14 year old son we adopted from Ethiopia 10 years ago. He's got it in his head that we can ship him back to Ethiopia and his world will be wonderful! It's hard to deal with some one who treats me with such hate and angst. What do we do??!?

My friend adopted two girls from Ethiopia. Both would have died if they stayed there, in different ways. Can you research with him to see what his life would be like if he lived in Ethiopia so he can see the contrast? BTW, my friend aims to take her daughters back to see their birth parents every 2 to 3 years. She said it really settles them.

That is terrible advice. There is so much wrong, I don't know where to start.
Maybe his life would have been financially more difficult. Are you prepared to give your kids to someone who is richer than you? Would you expect your kids to be happy about it due to "the contrast"?
Big Macs and iPads don't make up for lost family and culture.
The kid is entitled to his feelings.He isn't entitled to treat his adoptive family terribly. When you are feeling badly, does it really help to have someone point out things could be worse?
I also have a teenager adopted from Ethiopia. She also would have died if she stayed. She understands that. I don't need to remind her or show off about having more materials wealth than her birth family.

[Anonymous]

One thing we were told in a pre-adoption class was that all teens are full of angst - teens who were adopted may blame it on adoption. Nonadopted teens will blame it on something else. This it not to say that adopted teens don’t have special issues and deep wounds from being adopted, but nonadopted teens are often full of anger as well.

Please don’t emphasize to your teen how awful their lives would have been had they stayed in their birth country. While we don’t want to sugar coat things, it is also important to encourage a sense of pride in the child in his ethnic and biological-familial background. My son is much more good looking than his adoptive parents and he is an amazing musician - I occasionally (when appropriate) will wonder aloud to him if his birth parents have his profile and can sing like he does.

[Anonymous]

[quote

I was adopted, and that was the story they told me. As an adult, I understand that it can be more complicated, but I still think that it was a decision made in love. My birthmom didn't give me up because she hated me, she gave me up because she was an unmarried college student who didn't feel like she could take care of a kid and wanted me to have a better life. And because she wanted to finish her degree and get a good job and get out of poverty, and caring for a baby could make that difficult-to-impossible. It was both selfish and loving, and that's okay. The critical thing for me was understanding that it wasn't really about me--she didn't know me. It wasn't a rejection, it was trying to make the best of bad circumstances. And I WAS a wanted child--I was wanted very much by my parents, who didn't have to have me, they chose to have me.

It's also important to remember that adolescents can be moody and angry and struggle with things, and it can have nothing to do with being adopted. It's a stormy, turbulent time. I think the thing to emphasize is that you love him and that his feelings are normal, Listen to him, accept where he's at now, and don't take it personally.

I am a mother of two adopted children. Thank you for these words of comfort for my children, adoptee families, and for me. Truely. Thank you.