Foster-to-adopt or adopt an older child. Advice please.

[Anonymous]

We have one biological child that is still an infant. DH and I would both like to adopt in a few years, once DC is older and more independent. I've started doing all kinds of research (bad idea, by the way -- fell in love with a little boy on AdoptUSKids, but he's on the other coast and we're nowhere near ready

The crux of the problem is that we can't decide which option to pursue. From those of you that have been there-done that, do you have any advice, recommendations, etc. on each of the below scenarios:

1. Foster-to-adopt: I realize that the whole point of the program is to reunify the child with the bio family. My biggest fear is that once we bond with them (and let's face it -- how can you not), we'd have to give them back. Not sure I want to put our family through it/have read some testimonials online that make me want to cry. For those that have done it, is it even worth exploring, if you want a forever child? If you were able to keep the child, how long did it take/did you have to jump through a bunch of hoops? If you weren't able to keep them, how did you deal? How did your other kids take it?

2. Adopting an older child: I gather that the longer a child is in the foster care system, the harder it is for them to get adopted. If we decide to go that route, what should we be prepared in terms of support care after the fact? Therapy? Counseling? (I want to go in with my eyes open, in terms of how much money/time/additional resources we'd have to line up, to give the kid everything they might need.)

I'm fully prepared that I might get some troll responses, but for those that have genuine advice, thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

There is no way to predict what type of services you will need for a child that you haven’t even met. Your do well to educate yourself on the issues you might face - primarily attachment and loss but also FASD and educational issues. That might give you some ideas of potential considerations.

A book that’s been recommended to me (that I am only partway through) by a social worker who is amazing in working with adopted kids is Parenting the Hurt Child.

[Anonymous]

Start by reading stuff on parenting kids from trauma backgrounds- “The Connected Child” is a great starting point.

[Anonymous]

Most of the birthparents have issues with drug use and/or mental health. Kids can have issues due to the drug use or mental health issues that come up later. They will also often have attachment issues from being removed and in different placements. Some may need speech, OT or PT as well as mental health treatment and tutoring. Most will have behavioral and other issues.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a special needs child, what you need to accept is that some issues can never be moneyed away. I know this because we are battling a combination of disorders in one of our bio kids - the ADHD/Asperger's/OCD/anxiety will not go away with a few check-the-box therapy sessions. He has this for life, and we have to help him for as long as we are able.

Older children in foster care are there for serious reasons. Their family had issues and these issues are often HERITABLE - it's not that sometimes their parent beat them up, no. It's that the parent has a mental illness which led them to violence, and that unfortunately the child may have inherited that disposition. That kind of thing. Or they may be neurologically impaired because of maternal drug use or other trauma, which leads them to impulsivity, addictive personalities, poor executive functioning, etc. Or... any number of things. Rarely, issues will be so slight as to be practically invisible. That is the exception, not the rule.

So just know what could happen, OP.

[Anonymous]

We are in process to adopt from Korea. I’m adopted from Korea so that’s really the driver. But I would have considered domestic if it weren’t such a gamble. I also have 3 bio kids and didn’t feel able to handle the added trauma of termination of parental rights. Korean children are toddlers at custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in process to adopt from Korea. I’m adopted from Korea so that’s really the driver. But I would have considered domestic if it weren’t such a gamble. I also have 3 bio kids and didn’t feel able to handle the added trauma of termination of parental rights. Korean children are toddlers at custody.

Yeah but even kids adopted as toddlers have the trauma to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in process to adopt from Korea. I’m adopted from Korea so that’s really the driver. But I would have considered domestic if it weren’t such a gamble. I also have 3 bio kids and didn’t feel able to handle the added trauma of termination of parental rights. Korean children are toddlers at custody.

Yeah but even kids adopted as toddlers have the trauma to deal with.

These kids will have equal, if not more trauma as they have been in foster care/orphanages and are going to a new country with new foods, language, culture, etc. If you cannot handle it because of three kids, its not fair to add a 4th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in process to adopt from Korea. I’m adopted from Korea so that’s really the driver. But I would have considered domestic if it weren’t such a gamble. I also have 3 bio kids and didn’t feel able to handle the added trauma of termination of parental rights. Korean children are toddlers at custody.

I have two from Korea. Both have multiple placements - foster mom in birth city, “baby home”, foster mom in Seoul. One of mine came home as a baby, but he has significant trauma. One has FAS, despite the fact that alcohol use was not disclosed. It’s not the perfect program people make it out to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in process to adopt from Korea. I’m adopted from Korea so that’s really the driver. But I would have considered domestic if it weren’t such a gamble. I also have 3 bio kids and didn’t feel able to handle the added trauma of termination of parental rights. Korean children are toddlers at custody.

I have two from Korea. Both have multiple placements - foster mom in birth city, “baby home”, foster mom in Seoul. One of mine came home as a baby, but he has significant trauma. One has FAS, despite the fact that alcohol use was not disclosed. It’s not the perfect program people make it out to be.

Well, I’m also a Korean adoptee who’s adopted as well as had bio kids and my kids and I are healthy with no issues. No, Korea isn’t the perfect program but having bio children isn’t perfect either.

[Anonymous]

We did foster-to-adopt and it worked out extremely well, for our daughter, ourselves and our older son. We got DD when she was just over a year old and finalized her adoption about two years later. DD had been starved and left on her own a lot the first few months. Her failure to thrive caused sufficient concern to trigger an emergency seizure, hospitalization, and kinship care. Its been a project, for sure, but DD is now a very happy little girl thriving in K. While you'll hear that reunification is the goal, so is finding a forever family for the 123,000 children in foster care who are available for adoption. (There are more than 400,000 kids in foster care). As a foster parent you'll receive a daily stipend and, if your foster child is younger, contributions to the cost of a child development center. Along with the home study, and 24 hours of training, there was a monthly home visit from our social worker. A small inconvenience is that we weren't able to travel abroad as a family while we were foster parents (because its near impossible to get a passport for a foster child). It was an adjustment for DS at the start, but he quickly came around and is a very loving big brother. I hope this helps you in your decision.

[Anonymous]

There is a pretty large and growing group of foster children who are identified quite early as "adoptable," with little or no likelihood of being returned to biological family. I have a friend who fosters infants/toddlers who are in this category and usually stay with her six weeks during transition from agencies/hospitals to foster families looking to adopt.

[Anonymous]

I'm a long term foster parent, and I have adopted multiple times.
From reading your post- it sounds like you want another child, but are not that interested in fostering. Why do you want another child, and why do you want that child to come through adoption vs another way? I think the answer to those questions is very relevant to the right path for you.
Whether or not you want to adopt- it is really hard when children leave your home- no matter what situation they are moving on to (reunification with biological parents, another relative, or another adoptive family.) This is a child you have loved, you have parented, for which you care deeply. You have to be able to put the needs of the child before your own needs. (this is true if you adopt too- it just takes a different form.)
How have we 'dealt' with the ones who left? We have grieved the loss and continued to pray for them. We believe that we were in their lives for the time we were in their lives.

What needs will a child have? This is such a hard question to answer. One of our adoptions was a sibling set. At the time of the adoption one sibling had 'bigger' needs. Now the other one does and the 'needy' sibling is pretty much a typical kid. For that sibling- intensive early intervention was hugely successful. (for us that took the form of OT, speech therapy, some medical appointments, behavioral coaching.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one biological child that is still an infant. DH and I would both like to adopt in a few years, once DC is older and more independent. I've started doing all kinds of research (bad idea, by the way -- fell in love with a little boy on AdoptUSKids, but he's on the other coast and we're nowhere near ready

The crux of the problem is that we can't decide which option to pursue. From those of you that have been there-done that, do you have any advice, recommendations, etc. on each of the below scenarios:

1. Foster-to-adopt: I realize that the whole point of the program is to reunify the child with the bio family. My biggest fear is that once we bond with them (and let's face it -- how can you not), we'd have to give them back. Not sure I want to put our family through it/have read some testimonials online that make me want to cry. For those that have done it, is it even worth exploring, if you want a forever child? If you were able to keep the child, how long did it take/did you have to jump through a bunch of hoops? If you weren't able to keep them, how did you deal? How did your other kids take it?

2. Adopting an older child: I gather that the longer a child is in the foster care system, the harder it is for them to get adopted. If we decide to go that route, what should we be prepared in terms of support care after the fact? Therapy? Counseling? (I want to go in with my eyes open, in terms of how much money/time/additional resources we'd have to line up, to give the kid everything they might need.)

I'm fully prepared that I might get some troll responses, but for those that have genuine advice, thank you in advance.

Your first priority / purpose should be the child, not you.

If that is truly your priority/purpose, then reunification and returning to a healed family is ok, and more than ok. Praying for their family to stay broken, for your selfish reasons, means foster-to-adopt is NOT for you.

[Anonymous]

Do not minimize the potential effects on your existing bio child of all the challenges that adopting an older child brings. It is one thing for your bio child to have a bio-sibling who has special needs, but it is another thing entirely for you to voluntarily create that situation for your family. We adopted a pair of older siblings. It has worked well for us, but has not been without challenges from one child with previously undiagnosed FASD. Given some of the big behavioral challenges we had with that child, I would have felt terribly guilty had we already had a bio child at home.