13/14yos girls and bare midriffs

[Anonymous]

hello,

i am interested in what others think of this. we have a 13yo in 8th grade who has started to favor this look. i have mixed feelings about it. DH has stronger feelings about it and thinks that the shirts are cut too high and he has concerns about how that will be interpreted at school, etc.

before i say more, what do others think about this? how have you handled it?

[Anonymous]

My friend's daughter started this in 8th grade. I think it is awful. She dresses very 'sexy'. Her mom seems to love to show her off---posting the midriff pics on Instagram and even on their Christmas card.

I am not a prude, but my mother did not allow me to wear certain things in MS. If the daughter is developed, you need to watch for predators that think she is older.

[Anonymous]

Do the public schools allow bare midriffs?!???!!! I went to public school in Fairfax County and that wasn't allowed in the 80s.

[Anonymous]

It drives me crazy how all the tops in the junior department are cropped. It's actually challenging to find stuff that's cut normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do the public schools allow bare midriffs?!???!!! I went to public school in Fairfax County and that wasn't allowed in the 80s.

Ours does not.

[Anonymous]

We did this in the 80s

It's not a big deal.

It's a belly.

I don't like shorts that don't cover the cheeks though even though they are just checks and they show at swim practice.

To each his own.

[Anonymous]

My DD is now almost 16. We had this issue in MS (and still do to an extent). My approach was to talk to her about why she wants to dress this way and then talk about the pros/cons. For instance, if she likes her body and wants to show it off , that's not awful. Just be clear about why she's showing it off. If she's doing it because everyone else dresses that way, she should think more deeply about it. Does she want attention from boys? Nothing wrong with that, but is this the way she wants to catch their attention. Engage her in these discussions and LISTEN to what she has to say. My DD now dresses mostly in sweatshirts, but very rarely she'll put something on more revealing. I definitely feel like her need to show off her blossoming body was greater in 7-8 grade than it now is in 10th.

I tried not to weigh in too much but I did set some limits. I used humor whenever possible (if you think shorts that show your but cheeks look good, how about I get my own pair to wear to your next soccer game). If she was going somewhere outside of MS crowd (i.e. downtown Bethesda), I was more likely to warn her that she looked 21 and might attract unwanted attention from creepy old men. That prompted her to change on at least one occasion. She was cat-called while with me once by a disgusting much older man, so that was a teachable moment as well. My advice is to establish this dialogue without "slut shaming." Your DH's perspective can be part of that, but I'd advice him to stick to explaining his perspective as a former teen boy and college guy that might not have been able to distinguish between a 14 year old and 19 year old. Stay away from the idea that clothing choice really tells you anything about the girl/woman. Of course you can talk about judging a book by its cover, making incorrect assumptions based on appearance etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is now almost 16. We had this issue in MS (and still do to an extent). My approach was to talk to her about why she wants to dress this way and then talk about the pros/cons. For instance, if she likes her body and wants to show it off , that's not awful. Just be clear about why she's showing it off. If she's doing it because everyone else dresses that way, she should think more deeply about it. Does she want attention from boys? Nothing wrong with that, but is this the way she wants to catch their attention. Engage her in these discussions and LISTEN to what she has to say. My DD now dresses mostly in sweatshirts, but very rarely she'll put something on more revealing. I definitely feel like her need to show off her blossoming body was greater in 7-8 grade than it now is in 10th.

I tried not to weigh in too much but I did set some limits. I used humor whenever possible (if you think shorts that show your but cheeks look good, how about I get my own pair to wear to your next soccer game). If she was going somewhere outside of MS crowd (i.e. downtown Bethesda), I was more likely to warn her that she looked 21 and might attract unwanted attention from creepy old men. That prompted her to change on at least one occasion. She was cat-called while with me once by a disgusting much older man, so that was a teachable moment as well. My advice is to establish this dialogue without "slut shaming." Your DH's perspective can be part of that, but I'd advice him to stick to explaining his perspective as a former teen boy and college guy that might not have been able to distinguish between a 14 year old and 19 year old. Stay away from the idea that clothing choice really tells you anything about the girl/woman. Of course you can talk about judging a book by its cover, making incorrect assumptions based on appearance etc.

Not the OP, but I think this is a good approach and plan to try it with my DD. Thanks PP.

[Anonymous]

I thought it looks awful, every teenager wears these now, doesn't matter if they have a flat or huge belly, most of them wear it. But I also noticed that when I went to a clothing stores, about 90% of teen clothes are made out of this style, so it could also be because this is so widely available and common now that it looks normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It drives me crazy how all the tops in the junior department are cropped. It's actually challenging to find stuff that's cut normally.

op here. yes, this is part of the problem. she wants to go shopping with her friends and this is what she comes home with. and she is really only going to H&M, Brandie Melville, and Old Navy.

dress code is generally not enforced at her school, regardless of what is in it.

i should say that she tends to have a jacket or a zip up on over the shirt. but not always and this will happen less now that the weather is warming up. so i know this is going to become a bigger issue soon.

[Anonymous]

It violates the MS dress code so I don’t allow it to school. But I don’t have strong feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

Game is already over. You have a bussdown thotiana on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is now almost 16. We had this issue in MS (and still do to an extent). My approach was to talk to her about why she wants to dress this way and then talk about the pros/cons. For instance, if she likes her body and wants to show it off , that's not awful. Just be clear about why she's showing it off. If she's doing it because everyone else dresses that way, she should think more deeply about it. Does she want attention from boys? Nothing wrong with that, but is this the way she wants to catch their attention. Engage her in these discussions and LISTEN to what she has to say. My DD now dresses mostly in sweatshirts, but very rarely she'll put something on more revealing. I definitely feel like her need to show off her blossoming body was greater in 7-8 grade than it now is in 10th.

I tried not to weigh in too much but I did set some limits. I used humor whenever possible (if you think shorts that show your but cheeks look good, how about I get my own pair to wear to your next soccer game). If she was going somewhere outside of MS crowd (i.e. downtown Bethesda), I was more likely to warn her that she looked 21 and might attract unwanted attention from creepy old men. That prompted her to change on at least one occasion. She was cat-called while with me once by a disgusting much older man, so that was a teachable moment as well. My advice is to establish this dialogue without "slut shaming." Your DH's perspective can be part of that, but I'd advice him to stick to explaining his perspective as a former teen boy and college guy that might not have been able to distinguish between a 14 year old and 19 year old. Stay away from the idea that clothing choice really tells you anything about the girl/woman. Of course you can talk about judging a book by its cover, making incorrect assumptions based on appearance etc.

This goes along the same lines of my daughter wanting to post a picture on IG in a bikini (she's in high school though, not middle school).

I didn't outright tell her she couldn't do it, but I explained to her the perceptions around what she posts and said something along the lines of...

I told her that a picture that's cute of her & her friends jumping in the pool or being goofy or fun is fine & says I'm carefree, fun loving & don't take myself too seriously.

However, the posey-posey, lips pursed "duck style" together, elongated side profile of her body, etc says more along the lines of "I'm insecure, posting this picture is definitely attention seeking behavior & my self worth is completely wrapped up in how many "likes" and positive affirmations I get to make me feel good about myself".

Fast forward... she's never posted another sexy shot again (just for the fact that she would be horrified at the thought that it might make her look like a "try hard").

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately my 11-year-old loves those tops, as so does her group of friends. And those stops are everywhere. I told her she could wear them as long as she wears a long shirt underneath. So she’ll wear a crop top with a long camisole underneath that is stuck into her jeans or shorts. She’s fine doing that, but one of her friends is allowed to show her belly. The rest of the girls wear the shirt inside like my daughter.

[Anonymous]

My 14 year old wears them but generally with high rise pants so no skin is really showing. I’m not a fan but as long as her pants are high rise I let her wear them.