Anyone NEVER lock in to motherhood?

[Anonymous]

I have a two year old who I genuinely am obsessed with. He's also a good, easy kid on the whole. I am glad he's in my life. But we've been at this for two years now, and I can't stop thinking that parenthood just isn't really my thing. I mean obviously it is now bc here we are, but it doesn't play to my strengths particularly well. I like it the best when he's sleeping and I can do the things I did before I had him.

I feel like I am two faced about this. On one hand, I am a happy, smiling mom who reads the books and sets boundaries and has a schedule for him and plays cars and sets up paint projects...but then I hear about my peers having number two and I can not even begin to fathom why anyone would like this so much they'd do it again. I'm afraid I will never truly lock in to parenthood or something, but instead just love this kid and have the good sense to be a responsible adult about bringing him up in a reasonable manner. I feel really guilty about this. Like I should have a deeper connection to this role in my life. My husband seems to have it for fatherhood and I'm scared to say something to my friends who are having kid number two and just seem so locked in. Should I go see a therapist and unpack this? Is this a symptom of having baby/toddler? Or is it ok that being a mom doesn't feel "right" for me?

[Anonymous]

Babies are really boring. There’s only so much narrating of my day that I can do to an unresponsive tiny person before going batsh*t. I love my kids and I like being with them. I also like being away from them and being a separate person with interests outside motherhood. I feel zero guilt about this.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post! I think there’s just so much going on with expectations around motherhood vs. reality. I was the kid who dreamed of six kids like the Huxtables. But now I’m sticking to one (and have the IUD to enforce it). Life changes, we change, our husbands disappoint us sometimes, we dream of freedom or better careers or travel . . .

[Anonymous]

You sound fine to me. You love your kid. I love mine. It took until DD was 2 before I would even CONSIDER having another. I found she got easier at 2.5 (for all the talk about the terrible 2s, I found it to be a big improvement over age 1). DD is now 4 and DS is 1. I love him more than life, but the relentless nature of parenting young kids is HARD.

[Anonymous]

No shame in only wanting one. Very few people love parenting in ALL of its stages. Maybe a later one will fit you better. Maybe you'll endure being a parent. That would be sad, but not something you can do much about.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 5 and 7 and sometimes it takes all my self control to not turn and go back to work at the end of the day when I've come home and they're talking over each other.

Parenting is not for me. But it makes my husband REALLY happy, and that makes me happy. I go through the motions. I love them. I just don't love parenting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are 5 and 7 and sometimes it takes all my self control to not turn and go back to work at the end of the day when I've come home and they're talking over each other.

Parenting is not for me. But it makes my husband REALLY happy, and that makes me happy. I go through the motions. I love them. I just don't love parenting them.

Right. You had them because you wanted your husband and he wanted them. We know!

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

I still feel this way sometimes and DS is 7. I think it does get better when they get older. I genuinely love watching him play his favorite sport and cheering for his team. So many things I love doing *with* him. And I think that makes it better for me. When he was a baby and toddler it was a lot harder. But I still am sticking with one and DH only wants one as well where he wanted more before we had one. I think it rocked our world more than we could prepare for and we had to take a minute to readjust.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just want to jump in and say you’re CERTAINLY not alone—I feel like I could have written this, too! Right down to the 2 year old (well, almost 2) and how bananas I feel like having a second kid would be.

I’m a high school teacher so I’m definitely all over literacy and games and paint and songs and blah blah blah, but this is sooooo not my thing. Who knows how I’ll (we’ll?) feel in the future, but I like to keep in mind that my main job with dd is to help provide her the skills and resources to navigate life and be her own unique, safe, and fulfilled person who can thoughtfully participate in a democratic society. So if that means lots of renditions if Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and even more silly singing if Baby Shark ( oh I HATE singing!!!) right now in my life, well, ok. Things could be exponentially worse!

Hang in there, OP. Other moms (me!) are just hanging in there, too!

[Anonymous]

Very normal. Two years olds are annoying and boring. I love my kids but seeing them off to college has been a blessing.

[Anonymous]

I’m confused - what is it you think other parents feel? What does “locked in” mean? You sound like you love your son and are a thoughtful, responsible parent. Is there supposed to be something more to it than that? I would describe myself as someone who loves being a mother, and I do think having my children is a central purpose of my life, but I’m also so so relieved when bedtime is done, and I’m super looking forward to them going off to college.

[Anonymous]

You actually sound really good at parenting to me.

In fact, sometimes I think the “best” moms, or at least the ones who are most authentic with their children, are those who harbor a healthy amount of self-doubt and a desire to remain (at least for some small part of the day) the person they were before they were someone’s mom. Because that person was fun, and independent, and ambitious, and well-rested!

The good news as PPs have said is that as your kid starts to creep out of the barnacle phase you start to feel a little more like You BC (before children). I think back to that magical moment when I realized my daughter had turned a corner and could start going places that I wanted to go (antiquing, museums, movies, dinner at a non-fast-food restaurant, hiking, shopping) and it was absolutely life changing. I had so much more fun in general, compounded by the fact that I got to share some really awesome adventures with DD. That magic age is different for everyone - for us it was around 2.5 but regardless it will happen.

You sound perfectly normal to me and there are plenty of us out there faking it til we make it and loving our kids like crazy even if we’re not uber moms.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly normal and your kid will be better for it. The world does not revolve around children.

[Anonymous]

I had three in quick succession on purpose. I think you are thinking too hard about this. You love him, he lives you, you’re both happy and healthy.

No one loves every minute of anything including parenting. I don’t want to minimize your feelings but if you are just saying that you think you are missing a blissful feeling then I want to reassure you that we all are. That blissful feeling is fleeting to non existent.