"Take us on a trip"

[Anonymous]

When someone says they want to take us on a trip, what does that mean to you? DH and I have a preschooler, toddler and a baby and plan out our trips in detail and look forward to them. We try to do them cheaply, but everything is planned and we go great places. We can't afford more vacations right now than what we take (which is one big trip and a couple of small side trips here in the US). DH gets free plane tickets from work so most of our trips are international, but relatively inexpensive.

DH's family always want to take us on a trip. They don't want to come on our trips, however, because we've invited them. They're trips are planned horribly bad locations with no activities, the hotels are extremely expensive ($370 for a 3 star last time!) and they like bland restaurants. They constantly say they took us on such and such trip- except we paid! That $370 a night hotel trip for a week really blew our budget and resulted in credit card debt. We had thought they were paying for us and then at the end when we got the bill we were shocked at how unbelievably expensive the hotel was. We felt scammed because if they had gone online they could have paid 1/4 that. (They had checked us in, so we didn't know). This wasn't the first time that we thought they were paying and they weren't, but this was the worst we got burned.

They're begging for Disney but no way can we afford Disney right now (3 in daycare). They keep telling everyone about how they're going to take us to Disney. Thing is, if they wanted to pay, we'd go. But if we're paying, we don't want to go with them. They're not helpful with kids and everything would take forever. We'd also need a budget hotel and not the Polynesian for instance. If we're going someplace special like Disney I'd want it to be by ourselves so I could enjoy myself too versus being their babysitter while everyone else has fun. I feel like if they visited us occasionally here in DC or if they started helping more with the kids I could do more trips with them. Besides, if we're going to Disney with anyone, I feel like it should be with my parents since I grew up in Orlando and my dad worked at Disney. It's WAY more special to my parents.

DH isn't really on my side. He'd rather cut back retirement or our own vacations to appease his parents. Is there anything I can say to his parents since DH won't?

[Anonymous]

If DH wants to go on trips with his family, you should compromise on that somewhat. Not Disney, but let go of one or two of your smaller weekend trips and do something smaller, shorter with his parents. Don't expect them to pay for you.

And no, don't say anything to his parents when your DH doesn't even agree with you.

[Anonymous]

You need to be clear upfront about who is paying for what. Don't assume that "take you on a trip" means paying for everything. It might, but it clearly does not mean that for them, and you guys are morons if you keep making that assumption.

And no, your husband really needs to deal with his parents, but the two of you need to sit down and figure out whether you want to accept these invitations--on the assumption that you will be paying for everything. If he wants to go, then you need to figure out ways to control your own costs--booking your own hotel, etc., and communicate that clearly to his parents. If he doesn't, then he needs to decline that invitation. It can be a case-by-case decision, but there is no reason you should be getting burned because you expected them to pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

There nothing you can say to your DHs parents.

There is plenty that you can say to your DH, starting with the word NO. Also, if you do agree to go on a trip with his parents, nothing is stopping from asking about the hotels and planning things to do with your children. But really you start this conversation by saying no. If he can’t compromise, no trips.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.

This is on your husband. If he is unwilling to stand up to his parents, then you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem. It should not be that hard for a grown man to say, "Thanks for asking us, but it's not in the budget right now. Maybe next time!"

[Anonymous]

If you tell them " you cant afford it" do they offer to pay?
I pretty much agree with you if they dont. Altho I will say my Il's paid for us all to go to Disney a couple of years ago when DD was 3. There were 6 adults total and one 3yo. I was primary parent from 7 am until 10 -r 11 at night and it was exhausting. No help with DD from Il's or SIL/spouse. SIl went off and did her own thing some of the time, we had a crazy hectic schedule and because IL's paid for it all I couldnt say much. I wasnt even allowed to go to Universal and do Harry Potter because there wasnt time in the itinerary they had planned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you tell them " you cant afford it" do they offer to pay?
I pretty much agree with you if they dont. Altho I will say my Il's paid for us all to go to Disney a couple of years ago when DD was 3. There were 6 adults total and one 3yo. I was primary parent from 7 am until 10 -r 11 at night and it was exhausting. No help with DD from Il's or SIL/spouse. SIl went off and did her own thing some of the time, we had a crazy hectic schedule and because IL's paid for it all I couldnt say much. I wasnt even allowed to go to Universal and do Harry Potter because there wasnt time in the itinerary they had planned.

OP here. Yeah that's how it would be on a trip to Disney with them. Except I'd be paying also (and paying more than I would if I planned it). It's exhausting keeping kids on their best behavior constantly and getting no help. Inlaws are older and need help too.

We've said we can't afford it, but I think they think we can afford it if we cut out our own vacations (I need vacations as stress relief though). They've never offered to pay and we normally even pay every restaurant bill also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell them " you cant afford it" do they offer to pay?
I pretty much agree with you if they dont. Altho I will say my Il's paid for us all to go to Disney a couple of years ago when DD was 3. There were 6 adults total and one 3yo. I was primary parent from 7 am until 10 -r 11 at night and it was exhausting. No help with DD from Il's or SIL/spouse. SIl went off and did her own thing some of the time, we had a crazy hectic schedule and because IL's paid for it all I couldnt say much. I wasnt even allowed to go to Universal and do Harry Potter because there wasnt time in the itinerary they had planned.

OP here. Yeah that's how it would be on a trip to Disney with them. Except I'd be paying also (and paying more than I would if I planned it). It's exhausting keeping kids on their best behavior constantly and getting no help. Inlaws are older and need help too.

We've said we can't afford it, but I think they think we can afford it if we cut out our own vacations (I need vacations as stress relief though). They've never offered to pay and we normally even pay every restaurant bill also.

It doesn't matter what they think. They cannot make you go on a vacation with them. If you say you can't go this time, that's the end of it, no matter how much they complain. You and your husband need to stop thinking that them being upset is your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.

That’s a nice gesture. You can also invite them to visit you at your home.

Also, if they invite you to go somewhere like Atlantic City, it’s fine to say that you can’t afford it. It’s fine to say you want to go somewhere with more activities for children. You can speak up when those conversations come up. Those comments are a good opening for “Actually, we’re going to XX on YY date, would you like to join us? Basically, every time they invite you, turn it around and invite them. Say the kids would love to spend time with them!

But honestly, you guys need to get over your hang up about discussing money. You should not go on trips without knowing how much things are going to cost. Practice saying out loud. “We can’t afford that.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell them " you cant afford it" do they offer to pay?
I pretty much agree with you if they dont. Altho I will say my Il's paid for us all to go to Disney a couple of years ago when DD was 3. There were 6 adults total and one 3yo. I was primary parent from 7 am until 10 -r 11 at night and it was exhausting. No help with DD from Il's or SIL/spouse. SIl went off and did her own thing some of the time, we had a crazy hectic schedule and because IL's paid for it all I couldnt say much. I wasnt even allowed to go to Universal and do Harry Potter because there wasnt time in the itinerary they had planned.

OP here. Yeah that's how it would be on a trip to Disney with them. Except I'd be paying also (and paying more than I would if I planned it). It's exhausting keeping kids on their best behavior constantly and getting no help. Inlaws are older and need help too.

We've said we can't afford it, but I think they think we can afford it if we cut out our own vacations (I need vacations as stress relief though). They've never offered to pay and we normally even pay every restaurant bill also.

Okay it’s extremely rude to insist that someone overextend themselves to go on vacation with you.

In those scenarios you need to say “We can’t afford it” and immediately turn it around on them. Invite them to come on your trip. Every single time. Be pushy “Don’t you want to spend time with the grandchildren?” Turn it around so they’re the ones saying no to you over and over again.

But mostly, you need to let these comments go and not let it get to you. Most of all, you need to stop going. That’s a DH problem not an IL problem. Stop being a doormat. Put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.

That’s a nice gesture. You can also invite them to visit you at your home.

Also, if they invite you to go somewhere like Atlantic City, it’s fine to say that you can’t afford it. It’s fine to say you want to go somewhere with more activities for children. You can speak up when those conversations come up. Those comments are a good opening for “Actually, we’re going to XX on YY date, would you like to join us? Basically, every time they invite you, turn it around and invite them. Say the kids would love to spend time with them!

But honestly, you guys need to get over your hang up about discussing money. You should not go on trips without knowing how much things are going to cost. Practice saying out loud. “We can’t afford that.”

OP here. They don't visit us. We live under 3 hours away from them too. They're just old school and think kids visit their parents and not the other way around (we have a lovely guest room). Likewise, they think kids go on their parent's vacations and not the other way around. We've do decline their trips. I guess I should just keep saying we can't afford it. Additionally, I don't have extra annual leave after budgeting it around holidays with family (because they don't visit us we have to use AL to visit them over holidays) and our own vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH isn't really on my side. He'd rather cut back retirement or our own vacations to appease his parents. Is there anything I can say to his parents since DH won't?

OP your ILs are not the central issue here. You and your DH need to sit down and agree on a budget to reflect your priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So far our compromise is that we invite inlaws on all of our trips, but they decline every single time. I just can't spend 2k to go to Atlantic City again to eat at Olive Gardens. My time and money are so limited right now.

That’s a nice gesture. You can also invite them to visit you at your home.

Also, if they invite you to go somewhere like Atlantic City, it’s fine to say that you can’t afford it. It’s fine to say you want to go somewhere with more activities for children. You can speak up when those conversations come up. Those comments are a good opening for “Actually, we’re going to XX on YY date, would you like to join us? Basically, every time they invite you, turn it around and invite them. Say the kids would love to spend time with them!

But honestly, you guys need to get over your hang up about discussing money. You should not go on trips without knowing how much things are going to cost. Practice saying out loud. “We can’t afford that.”

OP here. They don't visit us. We live under 3 hours away from them too. They're just old school and think kids visit their parents and not the other way around (we have a lovely guest room). Likewise, they think kids go on their parent's vacations and not the other way around. We've do decline their trips. I guess I should just keep saying we can't afford it. Additionally, I don't have extra annual leave after budgeting it around holidays with family (because they don't visit us we have to use AL to visit them over holidays) and our own vacations.

Clearly there’s a lot of resentment building. This is 95% a DH problem and 5% an IL problem.

You need to put your foot down. I don’t know how you got to 3 kids without saying something (to DH!!! Not his parents) but here you are. Maybe you need to go to marital counseling to work out your issues. You have 3 kids in daycare - that is an exhausting stage. I would have said no to traveling on Christmas and the vacations a long time ago. You’ve let this fester.

It’s also clear you’re annoyed about how the IL talk about these trips to “everyone.” I don’t know who this everyone is but if it’s your husband’s family members, you can shut it down politely by saying “We can’t afford to go on those trips.”Then smile and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There nothing you can say to your DHs parents.

There is plenty that you can say to your DH, starting with the word NO. Also, if you do agree to go on a trip with his parents, nothing is stopping from asking about the hotels and planning things to do with your children. But really you start this conversation by saying no. If he can’t compromise, no trips.

Tell him straight up--that you'd be happy to see them more frequently at your home, but that you'd like to keep vacations for the five of you right now.