Friends young child passed away unexpectedly. What to do?

[Anonymous]

My good friend and neighbor lost her 2-year-old very suddenly and tragically on Thursday. She has an older child my sons age and my daughter and her daughter were the same age as well.

I’ve been caring for her older son as needed and helping out with caring for her pets as well. Everything is a blur right now and I know she’s not in the right state of mind. What else can I do to help? I also don’t know how to handle the grief and questions her older son (6) is asking/going through?

They don’t have a lot of family, and only a few members have already arrived. She and her DH are very busy handling the funeral and legal issues.

Any suggestions? How should I handle questions about his sister? I’ve tried to reach out to my friend and this all overwhelmed her.

[Anonymous]

So tragic. You are already doing a lot for this family.

Does the son know how his sister died? Are you familiar with their religious beliefs on death? If so, answer his questions directly. No need to go beyond the direct questions.

If you don’t know their religious beliefs, reach out to whatever family may be present to help.

What can you do to help - exactly what you are doing. Be there, provide whatever support you can. Bring food. Cut up fresh fruit and bring a bowl over.

[Anonymous]

Here’s a page from the Mr Rogers foundation that may have helpful information. https://www.fredrogers.org/parents/special-challenges/death.php

[Anonymous]

Quietly support and know that what you are doing is invaluable.
Don’t ask; just do.
Laundry - gather it, wash and put it all away.
Run the vacuum and empty trash.
Make meals and put in fridge.
Go to store and restock milk, etc.
Do offer to help with funeral stuff...can you help w programs, music, flowers, etc?
Pick people up at airport.
Your support and love will he noticed and so appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You are a great friend. So sorry for everyone involved in this as it’s so heartbreaking. Going to go hug my 2 yr olds tight right now.

[Anonymous]

You’re such a good person OP. I think you have permission to wing it a little bit since this is an extraordinary circumstance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So tragic. You are already doing a lot for this family.

Does the son know how his sister died? Are you familiar with their religious beliefs on death? If so, answer his questions directly. No need to go beyond the direct questions.

If you don’t know their religious beliefs, reach out to whatever family may be present to help.

What can you do to help - exactly what you are doing. Be there, provide whatever support you can. Bring food. Cut up fresh fruit and bring a bowl over.

He seems to understand that she died. He saw the accident and is processing everything but may be too young to fully understand.

I’m not sure of their religious beliefs, as far as I know they are a non-religious Jewish family like ourselves. I don’t know how I’d explain death to my own children, so can’t even fathom how I’ll do it for another persons child. I’ll try to reach out to extended family member. We haven’t been in the house much as the accident took place right outside the home. I’m afraid it will be traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quietly support and know that what you are doing is invaluable.
Don’t ask; just do.
Laundry - gather it, wash and put it all away.
Run the vacuum and empty trash.
Make meals and put in fridge.
Go to store and restock milk, etc.
Do offer to help with funeral stuff...can you help w programs, music, flowers, etc?
Pick people up at airport.
Your support and love will he noticed and so appreciated.

Agree with most of this - but I'd avoid doing the little girl's laundry unless someone asks you to. Your friend might want something that still "smells like" her little girl, and doing her laundry (including her sheets) could destroy this. Wait a little while on that. But the rest of the list, and laundry for the little boy you're taking care of, is excellent.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s your place to explain death to older child.

I would continue watching older child. Maybe distract him and do something fun with him.

Send over fruit. Food. Maybe go over and do their Dishes.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for everyone. You seem like a great friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a great friend. So sorry for everyone involved in this as it’s so heartbreaking. Going to go hug my 2 yr olds tight right now.

Why the F do people say things like this?!

[Anonymous]

It’s called empathy. If your child dies and I have a child I can imagine your pain. The one thing in the world you would want is the ability to hug your child. In empathy, I will hug my child and cry tears of sorrow for your loss. Because the dreams of my child’s future was the same for your dreams of your child’s and I know for whom the bell tolls.

[Anonymous]

Say her name. Don’t ever stop saying her name.

Remember her birthday and send a card. Remember the day of the accident and send flowers.

And say her name...

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

It sounds like you are being really supportive to the family during this horrendous time. I have a couple suggestions that might help you:

- ask to schedule an appointment with a child psychologist or therapist who specializes in grief (someone who has knowledge and expertise in working with kids) and ask about best ways to explain grief to kids
- Check out some of the grief books. Honestly, I'd just order some for family since they're overwhelmed. Here's a few suggestions: "Where’s Jess? " discussed death of a sibling. "A Birthday Present for Daniel" and " The Invisible String" are also good choices. Also, APA has good books for kids related to grief and loss, here: https://www.apa.org/pubs/magination/browse?query=subject:Grief+and+Loss.
- Something like picking up groceries for family to restock fridge staple items
- For older kiddo, I'd answer questions honestly and briefly. What is he asking that you're not sure how to answer? Hopefully the books and/or child therapist consult would help.
- I'm not sure exactly when right time is, but maybe have older brother and your kids do some activities to honor their friend/sibling (i.e., plant a tree, make photo frames with things they loved about her, etc.). It helps kids to talk about their feelings and to remember the person vs. feeling like they have to avoid it.

I also think if the above aren't helpful based on questions he is asking, it's okay to just say you know that this is a very confusing time. It is for everyone and mommy and daddy can talk to him more about it. Good luck and please also take care of yourself!

[Anonymous]

OP, your heart is clearly in the right place. Great advice above, but really doing anything supportive, even just being there, is great. Good on you.