Friends young child passed away unexpectedly. What to do?

[Anonymous]

You sound like a wonderful friend. I’m sure they’re grateful to have you.

One of the most helpful things for us when we lost our child was a gift of paper goods. I’m still not sure who did it, but it was a godsend. Someone stocked us up on paper plates, disposable utensils, toilet paper, Kleenex, paper towels and Lysol wipes. Everyone wants to bring food, but DH and I didn’t feel up to doing dishes even if we somehow felt like eating. I know it’s terrible for the environment, but if there's ever a time for disposables, this is it. It helped us even when we got back on our feet but then we’d have a sad day that took us by surprise.

[Anonymous]

We lost a child, unexpectedly. We had so much support initially, and it was really wonderful and we are so grateful to this day for all of it. What I might suggest is something maybe two, three, four weeks out, when the logistics of the funeral and the flurry of meals, flowers, cards has passed, but the pain is still very much there. A visit, a phone call, a condolence in some form at that time, is greatly appreciated. As to bringing up the child's name in a special remembrance...that truly is the greatest gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s called empathy. If your child dies and I have a child I can imagine your pain. The one thing in the world you would want is the ability to hug your child. In empathy, I will hug my child and cry tears of sorrow for your loss. Because the dreams of my child’s future was the same for your dreams of your child’s and I know for whom the bell tolls.

Yes, and the person who lost their child can no longer do this. I HATE when people say this. My brother lost his baby and people said insensitive things like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called empathy. If your child dies and I have a child I can imagine your pain. The one thing in the world you would want is the ability to hug your child. In empathy, I will hug my child and cry tears of sorrow for your loss. Because the dreams of my child’s future was the same for your dreams of your child’s and I know for whom the bell tolls.

Yes, and the person who lost their child can no longer do this. I HATE when people say this. My brother lost his baby and people said insensitive things like this.

People actually told your brother they were now going to hug their still-living child?! That’s disgusting. I’m so sorry. Parenting produces true vile solipsistic narcissists, tapping into what was already thee, at times.

OP, you’ve been wonderful. I’m so sorry for your friends.

[Anonymous]

First off, op was told this and op did not lose a child. Second, this is a natural response to the situation. Third, grief and loss are universals and shared by all. Fourth, you people are thick and have misunderstood the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a great friend. So sorry for everyone involved in this as it’s so heartbreaking. Going to go hug my 2 yr olds tight right now.

Why the F do people say things like this?!

Because random tradgedies make you realize that an ordinary day is actually really special and you shouldn’t take it for granted.

[Anonymous]

OP-Its good you’re trying to help family. When our son died suddenly we were helped and supported tremendously in the first few months but if you can-try and sustain being available for the long haul.

So glad someone pointed out to do NOTHING in regards to the child’s belongings. Until you have had this loss you have no idea how strong the need is to hang on to physical connections. No one should judge.

You did not mention where she lives but: Although its a non-denominational program (and we are not Jewish) Jewish Social Services in Rockville runs an awesome group for parents/Child Loss Support. It became our life line to functioning and finding our way forward. So so so much better than the often recommended Compassionate Friends group. The facilitator won’t even think of having them join the group until 3 months have past (and right away individual/couple/family therapy best) but if you can gently mention this to your friends in a couple of months-do it. (Google info.)

Last advice-don’t just offer to ‘do anything’ offer insteas something concrete like I can shop for you on Tuesday. or I can get lawn mown next weekend.’ etc

[Anonymous]

^^
if not clear the JSS program is for parents who have had a child die (not a broad loss group.) And the deaths are accidental, expected from illnesses and cancers, sudden.

[Anonymous]

OP, as others have said, you're doing something amazing and it sounds like you're doing all the right things.

In our community (out of state) there's something called "Judy House" which offers multiple support services for those who've lost a child or significant other -- everything from financial support to support groups. The JSS sounds similar -- please check it out.

When our friends lost a 2 year old child years ago, someone set up a foundation in that child's name and 13 years later, it is still a community main-stay, everything from reading materials to basketball and health and wellness activities and more. However, it took YEARS for the child's mom to be able to participate -- the dad did so independently. I mention this because grief really does take hold differently for each and every person. It sounds like you already know that and are respecting it, too.

Finally, if others on this thread know OP (or someone in his/her situation), if at all possible, do something for him/her, too. Some time ago, my best friend from college found a suicide victim who was also a dear family friend. She was amazing through everything, but she was suffering, too. I took her on a spa weekend about 6 weeks later and although it was hard -- so hard for her -- I'd like to think it helped give her some respite from an unfathomable situation. OP, you'll have your own form of PTSD. As you care for others, I hope you find your own comfort and solace, too.

Take care.

[Anonymous]

Make sure that the children have something to wear to their 2 year old sibling's funeral. Take them shopping for clothes if needed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound wonderful and supportive. I second the thought of being conscious to offer support after the immediate flurry. The one thing I would caution from some of the above advice is be conscious that they may need space, so yes drop off food, take care of the kid, help with visitors, but I’m not sure I would do things like their laundry unless you have clear signals they are ok with you being there for a while. And be extra cautious how you do things if you do things like laundry - my mom decided to “help “ with our laundry without asking recently and ruined expensive pants that can be washed but not put in dryer!