s/p engagement rings: does this scenario make sense?

[Anonymous]

So I'm wading into this topic with hesitancy as people seem to have some intense opinions. But I'm curious re: DCUM's take.

My partner and I are discussing marriage. It'll be my first; his second. We both have children; he has 2 teen DD's from his first marriage. I was a single mom by choice and have 1 toddler DD.

We're both a bit older, so the idea of him "surprising" me with a ring and a proposal feels antiquated and odd. Marriage with a blended family is a huge decision and requires thought and discussion. I also feel that it's most ethical if we split the cost of my ring. I'd like to gift it to my DD eventually, and because we both have daughters, it seems fair of me to contribute and help offset the cost, as he and I are both the primary breadwinners for our respective families.

I started looking at rings and was pretty shocked at the cost of diamonds. Not even sure that's the route I want to go, but if so, I'd feel even more strongly about this being a shared expense. We're both mid-high earners and financially conservative/savers.

Maybe this is all un-romantic, but it makes sense to me. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

That seems like a reasonable approach to me. Bonus, you will be sure to get something that you like

[Anonymous]

Um, you do you?

There are no hard and fast rules. Do whatever you want.

But I must say it sounds like you are overthinking this.

While some women want to select their ring, others prefer to be surprised by their future husband. You sound like you want to take charge, and that's okay. Pick a diamond or something else. Since you are older and not traditional, no need to spring for a diamond.

The only thing I find troubling in your post is that you don't seem interested in having one family. You seem like you want to cohabitate but will think of you and your daughter as one family, and your husband and his kids another family. I think that's a dangerous attitude. Happily married people merge bank accounts and lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you do you?

There are no hard and fast rules. Do whatever you want.

But I must say it sounds like you are overthinking this.

While some women want to select their ring, others prefer to be surprised by their future husband. You sound like you want to take charge, and that's okay. Pick a diamond or something else. Since you are older and not traditional, no need to spring for a diamond.

The only thing I find troubling in your post is that you don't seem interested in having one family. You seem like you want to cohabitate but will think of you and your daughter as one family, and your husband and his kids another family. I think that's a dangerous attitude. Happily married people merge bank accounts and lives.

OP here, I understand your impression. I tend to think fairly logistically. My post is mostly about the finances of something like a ring. Re: the children however, agree that the families and finances would need to merge. I have the benefit of coming from a successful blended family so I've had some experience with some of the pitfalls. Your point is well taken however.

[Anonymous]

You whatever you feel is right!

[Anonymous]

Seems very weird to me that a man would let his future wife split the cost of an engagement ring.

[Anonymous]

Just skip the engagement ring.

[Anonymous]

I think most everyone discusses marriage and talks about it beforehand, but the proposal is a surprise. But do what you want and what will make it feel special and important to you.

I don't see why you need to split the cost of a ring. If you're combining your finances when you get married, essentially you've already split the cost?

[Anonymous]

I've been married twice and both times we discussed it beforehand and I picked out my rings, which were CZs because I thought it was stupid to spend so much on a diamond that has so low resell value and I really wouldn't want to wear something on a daily basis that cost so much. I did insist on white gold though because Sterling silver tarnishes. Although now, you can get other non-tarnishing metals that are cheaper, like titanium and surgical steel, etc., but the downside for those are they are not resizeable. Lol, I guess I'm not a romantic who likes to be surprised..

[Anonymous]

Some cultures do this anyway. A lot of cultures have no "surprise" proposal.

[Anonymous]

Skip the ring or suggest a simple one but don’t split the cost. It’s emasculating your DH.

[Anonymous]

It makes sense - if this were a business transaction.

I understand your logic - and I also understand being pragmatic, but frankly, I'd like to feel some warmth and love from your post.

No one's going to be fighting for your engagement ring - and if you're as fair and straightforward as your post, then when the time comes, I'm sure that you will provide what you can - out of love - for them, as you would your own.

This is one area where I think you can let the love of your life choose a ring that means something special from him to you - within his means.

[Anonymous]

I get it. You have been independent...single mom by choice, good career, saver, careful, planner. My advice...relax! Stop worrying so much. Let your man be a man and buy the ring. Give him a BJ. All will be good.

[Anonymous]

Either skip the ring or let him buy it. You guys can split the cost of the wedding, but to jointly pay for a ring—either it’s a gift or it’s not, you know?

[Anonymous]

Couples buy rings together all the time so nbd. I make jewelry and I can assure you diamonds are pretty but definitely one of the biggest lies ever. Btw, none of the girls will hold any real value towards that ring by the time you decide to gift it. If you already have the mindset that “your” child should have any preference for things from this marriage, I would hold off on marrying until you rework through some of those issues.