One parent manipulating kids’ emotions post divorce. How to handle this?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been divorced now for almost 3 years. My ex and I share joint custody of two amazing kids (6yr old twins). Often when they are at their mom’s house and I’m FaceTiming with them, my ex says things in the background (she’s holding the phone) like, “you just need to say a quick hello” and “it’s okay” when we’re talking. It is completely bizarre as my kids and I have a great relationship and is an obvious attempt to manipulate their emotions. I try to hold strong to the fact that eventually they’ll realize what is going on and better advocate for themselves, but I worry that psychologically their brains are becoming hardwired to feel strained in our relationship unnecessarily. It is crushing me and no matter how much I tell myself that taking the high road and ignoring it is what is right for them in the long run, there has to be something I can do to put a stop to it.

Anyone have any experience with this and have any advice?

[Anonymous]

Why FaceTime. That’s her time. Does she FaceTime them during your time?

[Anonymous]

Yes, we both FaceTime when the other has them. I totally understand the questioning of it though. In many ways it would be better to just have our time be solely “our time”, but this has been the established norm and one that she has pushed for. I haven’t questioned it as it feels like a good way for both parents to connect on a regular basis, but maybe it is not the best model.

[Anonymous]

The comment about just saying a quick hello would read to me as mom trying to rush it because there’s other things going on in their evening and she’s trying to check off this box. Is this a situation where she has them on school nights and you have them on the weekends? If so, it may be that the FaceTime is no longer working and she/they are getting stressed trying to make sure that they have a chat with you when there is homework and bath and bedtime routine and sports practice and all the other things that elementary school kids do these days. I would have a conversation with your ex away from the kids and just ask her if the FaceTimes on weeknights are inconvenient and offered to come up with another way to connect during the week if that’s the case.

[Anonymous]

We have them 50/50 shared custody, splitting the weekdays and each having every other weekend. The exchange of “you just need to say a quick hello” came again today when they FaceTimed me.

[Anonymous]

DS hates talking on the phone. I often have to beg him to talk to his dad, and frequently tell him he just has to say a quick hello.

Are you sure your kids really enjoy FaceTiming that much?

[Anonymous]

Op here. It is possible they just don’t like talking in the phone. It’s also possible that they just want the time with that parent preserved. But FaceTime has been something their mom has pushed for. PP, does your son express the same reluctance to talk to you when he is with his dad? In my case, they don’t ever ask to FaceTime with their mom, but we do because it is part of the established norm. I encourage it and don’t ever say things like “you just need to say a quick hello” like it is something they’re forced to have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. It is possible they just don’t like talking in the phone. It’s also possible that they just want the time with that parent preserved. But FaceTime has been something their mom has pushed for. PP, does your son express the same reluctance to talk to you when he is with his dad? In my case, they don’t ever ask to FaceTime with their mom, but we do because it is part of the established norm. I encourage it and don’t ever say things like “you just need to say a quick hello” like it is something they’re forced to have to do.

Yes, same reluctance to talk to me when he is with dad. I know DS doesn’t like to talk on the phone, so I intentionally keep the conversation short when my ex/DS calls. And if they don’t call, that’s ok too.

[Anonymous]

OP, if she is mentally manipulating your children there really isn't anything you can do about it to stop her. The one real benefit you have going in your favor is the 50/50 split. Mothers are very prone to manipulation of children post divorce. This is even true when the father thinks things are stable and have been stable for years. Moms frequently have some baseline manipulative interaction that can kick into high gear upon the ex husband doing something the ex wife doesn't like (i.e., getting a new gf or getting remarried or not paying for something).

Women that do this typically have borderline personality disorder and they eventually cause personality disorders in the children as well. It is 100% child abuse but not often recognized because they see it as the mom being protective and wanting her time, etc.

Watch for changes in your children's behavior. If she is doing this you need to intervene quickly. Studies show that it only takes about 6 months of a mother doing this stuff before the child and father begin to have real problems that often can not be fixed. The best thing I know to do is for you to research parental alienation. Search Dr. Craig Childress for the best information I know of. If you see any of the signs in his checklist then you must find a child psychologist immediately and have the children assessed for DSM-5 309.4, V61.20, V61.29, V995.51 and if this is found then you must use that a grounds for a modification and get 100% custody of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Parental alienation is a form of child abuse

[Anonymous]

22:19 needs to be assessed for anger and misogynistic tendencies! What a bizarre and passive aggressive post aimed at all divorced women.

OP, how is your relationship with your kids? If you feel like its positive, that they are happy when they are with you, they haven't been told inappropriate or misleading things about you, your custody schedules and exchanges are going smoothly, the comments your ex is making in the background are not a big issue in the grand scheme of things. Getting your kids evaluated for some firm of abuse based solely on the comments you laid out abive would do vastly more harm than good. Your ex would find out, the kids would wonder why a doctor is asking them all these questions about their mom, and it would put stress and distrust on all elements of the cooarenting relationship, and unless you've left something out, that sounds like it would be a marked deterioration for the arrangement you have now.

[Anonymous]

If she is really doing as you say, it will soon become obvious. In extreme cases, kids cut off all contact.

[Anonymous]

Funny how men bring up manipulation when they don’t show up.

There’s a reason you’re divorced. Stop blaming her for your lack of a relationship with your kid. If they were excited to talk to you she wouldn’t have to say a thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here- pp, sounds like you’re projecting something personal on my situation that isn’t relevant here. I am a very involved parent and have been from the moment they came into this world.
Thanks for the advice to the poster who mentioned “parental alienation”. I hadn’t heard that term before but it is something that has occurred and I imagine happens in many cases of divorce (by fathers and mothers). While I agree that it is a form of abuse on the children that can have long-term repercussions, I think subjecting them to a series of questions by a psychologist would only exacerbate things.

My kids are healthy, happy, and we have a strong relationship. But my ex does have these manipulative tendencies and I don’t want it to fester inside my kids and put additional stress on them. The answer may be in just calling an end to the FaceTime thing. I hate that she would try to sabotage my relationship with them and not consider their long term emotional well being, but I know in time it will reflect more on her and they can self-advocate when she tries it.

[Anonymous]

My ex and I have a rule that our son can call the other parent at any time, but we call him only if necessary. That's sort of a middle ground.

From what OP described, it doesn't sound like manipulation, though it surely isn't stress from homework, at six yo, as there's probably 5 minutes a day. It's more likely the kids not wanting to face time at the time, which likely has nothing to do with the strength of your relationship. My son can be clamoring to talk to his grandparents, for instance, but if they call while he's in the middle of a TV show, he'll want to get off as soon as possible.