If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. I have many faults, but I was a nice kid. I worried about and defended kids who were teased. Even if someone was rude to me I just ignored them rather than hurl and insult. I cannot imagine wanting to make another person hurt emotionally.

What did you get out of being cruel? Was someone cruel to you and you were passing it on? Did you feel any remorse back then? Do you feel any remorse now? Was it a cry for help?

One of my kids is dealing with bullying now and we have the school involved. The bully does not fit the stereotype of a popular kid or athletic or attractive. I get the sense maybe she is targeted herself and passing it on. She is very controlling and mean. She says and does pretty awful things to our daughter who is naive (perhaps like I was) and cannot fathom why someone would would be so cruel. Occasionally another girl will defend DD and insult the bully.

[Anonymous]

She probably has bad/mean parents or siblings who tease her and doesn't know any different.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. Usually issues at home.

[Anonymous]

Popularity. Kids who do this are often surrounded and mimicked by others who think that as long as they are within the circle they won't become its targets.

[Anonymous]

I was neither mean nor nice- just a follower type. There were some kids who were picked on mercilessly- one in particular behaved very oddly and was probably undiagnosed ASD.

My middle school was nasty. All of the kids seemed pretty nasty, and it is hard to be "better" in that kind of environment, at that age. It did not help that I transferred in at 7th grade. Teachers did not call out bad behavior and ignored it, no one talked about being a nice person. It just wasn't a thing.

[Anonymous]

I had really nice kind patents and lots of siblings.

My best friend from elementary had parents who went through a very ugly divorce in 4th and 5th. We always had so much fun together, but she went from being the fun girl to a very mean girl during that time. Looking back, I am pretty confident there was abuse going on, and most likely substance abuse (mom) and infidelity (dad).

We did everything together before that, so when she turned into a mean girl I still did everything with her. I don't recall bullying people myself, but I was always her sidekick, giving her power and probably making it harder for her targets as I was always the friendly kind girl before this phase. When I did things with other kids, including her victims, I was always nice and we always had fun, so it must have been confusing to those girls when we got back to school and I was side by side with the mean girl.

When she switched girls, I was back to getting along with everyone. Unfortunately, her biggest target switched schools too. I think she would have really liked the school after mean girl left. It was just so different in 6th through 8th grade.

Family dynamics can definitely create a bully, but all bullies do not necessarily have bad families or terrible parents. I know my parents, especially my mom, were exceptionally kind to everyone and were very good parents. Kids reach an age (around middle school) when peer influence carries far more weight than anything their parents do or say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She probably has bad/mean parents or siblings who tease her and doesn't know any different.

Maybe. Or maybe not.

Not all bullies come from bad mean families. Some come from lovely families with outstanding parents.

[Anonymous]

Maybe deflection? If she's targeting someone else, less likely she'll be targeted.

My dd is technically being bullied but she doesn't let it get to her. Helps this one girl is like that to most of the kids, sometimes it's the singled out part that hurts more than the words and behavior. No kid likes to feel alone.

You could ask for help without calling out all the past bullies of the world.

[Anonymous]

Nobody who is mean ever thinks of himself or herself as mean. The think they are nice. Anything they do, they rationalize as self-defense or retaliation for some insult or injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Popularity. Kids who do this are often surrounded and mimicked by others who think that as long as they are within the circle they won't become its targets.

+1

"Better them than me!" Stunted adults do this too, OP - that is why most people avoid the neighborhood gossips.

[Anonymous]

It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.

[Anonymous]

I was also a nice kid and, thankfully, didn't experience bullying myself, but I believe bullying is a power trip of sorts; you want to show that other person that you're higher on the food chain than they are and thus establish your domination. And I don't think it is directly correlated to a kid's situation at home, it is more correlated to the kid's personality. The more competitive ones (also known as 'natural leaders') will strive to be the king of the hill, the less competitive ones will just find their niche/tribe and be satisfied with that.
Just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

A lot of kids follow the lead of their parents. I can think of a kid on the SGA at my daughter’s high school who imitates her parents’ atrocious behaviors. Both the parents and kid are “popular.”

[Anonymous]

Is was picked on - I am sure I was not as kind as I should have been to others.

Home dynamics were also hard for a time. My dad was a police officer who was in a situation where he shot his gun. This is very uncommon for most police officers and the support that is there now was not available at the time. My dad dealt with it by drinking - my mom told him he was not allowed in the house if he was drunk.

People in general do the best they can with what they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably has bad/mean parents or siblings who tease her and doesn't know any different.

Maybe. Or maybe not.

Not all bullies come from bad mean families. Some come from lovely families with outstanding parents.

Hmm, I've never ever seen this happen. There's always an issue at home.