If you were a mean middle schooler way back when...why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was usually nice enough, but I definitely had mean moments. I wasn’t a bully. I didn’t target anyone repeatedly, but I took practical jokes too far.

I was abused and raised in that kind of environment. I wasn’t taught empathy. I was made fun of if I cried. My parents and aunts and uncles were all douchebag bullies who thought nothing of picking on kids to toughen them up. My grandparents really did a number on that generation, who in turn raised us to be jerks. I thought everyone acted that way, because all the authority figures in my family did.

When I was old enough to think beyond my own feelings I realized I didn’t want to be that way so I changed. As I grew up and became more independent I was able to change into who I wanted to be more, but it wasn’t until I went away to college that I realized the toxic environment I grew up in. I moved far away after college and raised my children to respect others’ feelings and break the cycle.

I’ve done therapy but I really feel like my formative years have done permanent damage to me. Kindness isn’t my first instinct. I have to stop and think, and actively choose to be kind and gracious sometimes. I envy people who had a normal upbringing with kind parents who value and respect other people’s feelings.

Same

[Anonymous]

I was an absolute a$$hole mean girl for a year or 2 in high school. Honestly I think I saw that people responded to that and it gave me power and oddly friends. There is one girl I feel particularly bad that I made her life hell. She snitched on one of my friends who was smoking pot on school grounds and we made her life absolute hell.

My parents didn't abuse me and I was raised in a kind and loving household. As fuc&ed as it is, I think sometimes bullies get power and move up in rank being awful. I was popular, homecoming court, and was elected to the SCA and was a horrible example. It's not uncommon in the adult world either.

I stopped because I finally got some empathy and matured and realized it feels better to be nice than to be mean. I eventually felt shame over how I was acting and controlling others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.

It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.

No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.

Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.

You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.

It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.

No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.

Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.

You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.

Sorry, but if your snowflake is bullying right now you can tell yourself this is normal all you want, but it is not. It means the young person is at risk just as much as kids are "at risk" when they have other issues. It doesn't mean your child is destined to struggle with mental illness such as personality disorders, depression, etc or your child is destined to have interpersonal problems and job issues, but it does mean your child is more at risk than those kids able to navigate middle school, have friends, show empathy and get along. I strongly urge you to get your child help now if your child is bullying and don't rationalize it as normal. See is as a signal that your child needs help and can help your child develop into a well-functioning teen and adult and if you get the right mental health help.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. I did have an unfortunate home life, including a deceased mother and a dad who was busy with his new girlfriend. But I was also a popular jock, and the bullying/meanness that I engaged in was mostly a response to a) boredom, or b) enforcing the social hierarchy. By high school, I mostly helped maintain the social hierarchy without resorting to outright bullying, and I no longer put on a show of being mean to someone just to quell boredom.

FWIW, I grew up to be a nice, successful person raising nice kids. Maybe I lacked empathy then, but I don’t think so. I was always a very empathetic animal person. I think I had trained myself to shut down most feelings where people were concerned, and it made me sort of indifferent or oblivious to how others felt. Opening myself back up to other people was a process through the whole of my 20s, but I’m pretty normal now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was usually nice enough, but I definitely had mean moments. I wasn’t a bully. I didn’t target anyone repeatedly, but I took practical jokes too far.

I was abused and raised in that kind of environment. I wasn’t taught empathy. I was made fun of if I cried. My parents and aunts and uncles were all douchebag bullies who thought nothing of picking on kids to toughen them up. My grandparents really did a number on that generation, who in turn raised us to be jerks. I thought everyone acted that way, because all the authority figures in my family did.

When I was old enough to think beyond my own feelings I realized I didn’t want to be that way so I changed. As I grew up and became more independent I was able to change into who I wanted to be more, but it wasn’t until I went away to college that I realized the toxic environment I grew up in. I moved far away after college and raised my children to respect others’ feelings and break the cycle.

I’ve done therapy but I really feel like my formative years have done permanent damage to me. Kindness isn’t my first instinct. I have to stop and think, and actively choose to be kind and gracious sometimes. I envy people who had a normal upbringing with kind parents who value and respect other people’s feelings.

I really admire you for choosing to be kind, and for breaking your parents’ cycle without a model for kindness.

[Anonymous]

I had my bully apologize to me via Facebook about 6 years ago. She was in therapy and it was a step in her process. She said that the reason she teased me for my weight was so that the kids would laugh at me and take any distraction away from her because she was terrible at school. I do remember her going slower and struggling when called on to read out loud and some kids making fun of her. I'm sure, looking back now, she had/has some kind of learning disability.

My friend, who is gay, said that he was a big bully in school for the same reason. He didn't want anyone to figure out he was gay so he had to be "bigger and meaner" than everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.

It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.

No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.

Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.

You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.

Sorry, but if your snowflake is bullying right now you can tell yourself this is normal all you want, but it is not. It means the young person is at risk just as much as kids are "at risk" when they have other issues. It doesn't mean your child is destined to struggle with mental illness such as personality disorders, depression, etc or your child is destined to have interpersonal problems and job issues, but it does mean your child is more at risk than those kids able to navigate middle school, have friends, show empathy and get along. I strongly urge you to get your child help now if your child is bullying and don't rationalize it as normal. See is as a signal that your child needs help and can help your child develop into a well-functioning teen and adult and if you get the right mental health help.

How old are your kids? Early elementary?

Middle schoolers (in general) often bully each other, even formerly nice kids from nice families.

Just wait and see what happens when your kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.

It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.

No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.

Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.

You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.

Sorry, but if your snowflake is bullying right now you can tell yourself this is normal all you want, but it is not. It means the young person is at risk just as much as kids are "at risk" when they have other issues. It doesn't mean your child is destined to struggle with mental illness such as personality disorders, depression, etc or your child is destined to have interpersonal problems and job issues, but it does mean your child is more at risk than those kids able to navigate middle school, have friends, show empathy and get along. I strongly urge you to get your child help now if your child is bullying and don't rationalize it as normal. See is as a signal that your child needs help and can help your child develop into a well-functioning teen and adult and if you get the right mental health help.

I am not sure if you even have kids yet.

[Anonymous]

OP - I totally get the impulse to ask “why”. How do kids do such awful things? But honestly, I think the most important thing you can do is to work on your own child. Bullies seem to pick up on weaknesses and understand how to manipulate the desire to belong that is the hallmark of middle school. Do the best you can to build your own kid’s self esteem. My DD went through an awful couple of months where her bestie was just a mess and hurt my kid terribly as she denigrated my daughter to gain acceptance into a new social clique. We talked to my daughter a lot about “it’s not you - you are awesome.” My kid found new groups to hang with. Former BFF still occasionally says cutting things but my DD doesn’t care and doesn’t notice much of the time. She told me matter of factly the other day, “she has nothing I want”. Sometimes being in a big school is good for some things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.

It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.

No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.

Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.

You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.

Sorry, but if your snowflake is bullying right now you can tell yourself this is normal all you want, but it is not. It means the young person is at risk just as much as kids are "at risk" when they have other issues. It doesn't mean your child is destined to struggle with mental illness such as personality disorders, depression, etc or your child is destined to have interpersonal problems and job issues, but it does mean your child is more at risk than those kids able to navigate middle school, have friends, show empathy and get along. I strongly urge you to get your child help now if your child is bullying and don't rationalize it as normal. See is as a signal that your child needs help and can help your child develop into a well-functioning teen and adult and if you get the right mental health help.

How old are your kids? Early elementary?

Middle schoolers (in general) often bully each other, even formerly nice kids from nice families.

Just wait and see what happens when your kids get older.

My kids didn't. If they had there would have been serious consequences. I do think we were fortunate, but I would not have just written it off.

My niece was a pretty nasty bully in middle school and part of highschool. She has been in dialectical behavior therapy since sophomore year of highschool for borderline personality disorder and is doing much better. It is really beautiful to see her develope empathy and turn into a kind young woman.

[Anonymous]

I changed schools in 7th (6th was in ES) and one friend from ES also went to the same MS. I never said a negative word about her, but I also didn't defend her from the things others said or go out of my way to include her or help her make friends in the new school. I know she was upset and hurt, but I also didn't feel like she had been a great friend to me in 6th grade and that our interests were changing and just pretty different. She was awkward and just different in that way that is really difficult in MS.

I think one thing that's hard about MS is that kids are changing and developing different interests and dealing with puberty in different ways, and so often ES school friend groups need to break up and re-shuffle. But it's also at an age when everything feels so personal that it's hard not to take it personally that A doesn't want to be your friend anymore. And A can't articulate in an adult way "I just feel like we don't have much in common anymore and it's time to go our separate ways." But in the end its better for everyone that they find friends they are comfortable with and who like to do the same things they do and who they can have meaningful friendships with.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I was a bully. But there was one period of time in 5th grade when another girl was just intent on being my friend, and basically followed me around all the time. Looking back I can see that her social skills were just really not age-appropriate. Her constant social boundary violations were innocuous, but really really annoying, and after a while we started to try to push her away. Her mother perceived this as bullying and made it an issue at the school. Looking back, I feel bad for the girl as she wasn't getting the help that she needed. Kids need to be taught social skills and some need extra help, and not having those social skills will jeopardize their peer relationships.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad saying this but the means girls in my middle school grew up to be mean moms. They are the first to complain about including kids for birthday parties or make snarky remarks about a child’s ld or even food allergies. I see the genetics passing on because their kids are also mean. If I think back the mean girls I grew up with had mean mom’s. I think the only thing that changes the trajectory or mean girl marries a nice guy/girl who puts a stop to passing down the meaness. I talk to my daughter daily about being inclusive. I wish my mom could see her. She would be proud as it wasn’t eating she valued very much. I miss my mom for sure.

[Anonymous]

I have to really watch myself to make sure I don’t slip into my mean girl behavior from my younger years. I didn’t realize I was a bully until I started therapy in my 20s. My dad taught me to be that way (he did to all my siblings as well). He taught us to go after the weak and conquer them. Use any flaw to get an edge. Very much “second place is the first loser” type of guy. If you didn’t win, he didn’t want to hear about. If you didn’t get all A’s, you were a loser. He actually taught us clever ways to cheat on tests to have an edge in school. He was a terrible father and honestly, a terrible human. I’m glad I went to therapy to realize I was a bully and was able to change. It can be hard, though. It’s so easy to slip back into being a mean girl.