How to show up for a friend whose child is having major surgery

[Anonymous]

My close friend’s son is having major surgery soon. They have 2 other children. Family is around and taking care of meals. They have an au pair so childcare is also covered. Anyone have ideas for best ways to be helpful? The baby will likely be in the hospital for 4-6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

At the hospital (if they are camped out there), provide take out or a homemade meal. If the child knows you and will tolerate it, come and be there at the hospital for 45 minutes while mom/dad takes a shower or makes phone calls. Or goes to the bathroom. Bring freshly laundered clothes to the hospital.

[Anonymous]

It meant the world to me when my best friends showed up at the hospital when my child was hospitalized. They brought a meal, cheesy celebrity magazines for me to read and just sat with us and chatted.

[Anonymous]

If they will be sleeping at the hospital, one of the worst parts is the institutional showering. Maybe bring a really nice towel and soap and offer to sit with the child while they get a shower. A mindless but amusing book, silly magazines, or an easy art things like an adult coloring book are also great. You really can’t focus on anything with depth.

[Anonymous]

Being in the hospital can be really isolating. Any engagement is such a gift.

Also - any help that you can do to help with the others for things that the parents might drop. Making sure older kids have valentines to give out in class. Things so that the older ones (I assume they are preschool / elementary aged) lives are not disruptive - in more than just "care"

[Anonymous]

Just because they have an au pair doesn't mean they have full time child care coverage. Au pairs are only suppose to work a certain amount of time. Offer to take the kids at home for a play date or out to a movie. Something that will feel fun and special for the ones at home. Those kids will probably understand why Mom and Dad are focused on the baby but will need some TLC of their own. They will be worried and having some special attention paid to them would be great for them and I am sure well received by the parents.

[Anonymous]

That's a long hospital stay. Company to help her pass the time and days will likely be very appreciated. And, since you are good friends, just tell her to be very clear any time she doesn't want company and that you will fully understand.

[Anonymous]

How old are the bigger kids? Depending on their age, its hard to say if they'll understand whats going on or not, but giving them a sense of normalcy during the hospital stay would be amazing, and also just visiting with your friend while they're in the hospital with the baby would probably be a mood lifter. Especially if you take on all the work of setting it up - text and say something like, "if its a good time, I can come visit from 2-3 tomorrow and I'll bring you (favorite coffee drink or tea or helathy meal of WHATEVER) and we can catch up". Or "I'm free weekend mornings to sit with baby so you can go home and shower (or I can bring you a clean towel and some nice sample sized shampoo so you can shower at the hospital while I read to baby)".

[Anonymous]

All of the above... plus for outside the hospital... go to their house (if you are that close with the family) and wash/fold the laundry for her other kids, take them to a movie/lunch, anything and everything to help your friend not feel as though her other children are being ignored or not getting enough attention. Your friend will likely be mentally and physically drained for a while - so every gesture no matter how big or small will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they will be sleeping at the hospital, one of the worst parts is the institutional showering. Maybe bring a really nice towel and soap and offer to sit with the child while they get a shower. A mindless but amusing book, silly magazines, or an easy art things like an adult coloring book are also great. You really can’t focus on anything with depth.

No. The worst part of being in the hospital, apart from the pain and stress, is the IV line and the tape glue bruising and irritating your skin. BTDT. There's really no point in complaining about anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they will be sleeping at the hospital, one of the worst parts is the institutional showering. Maybe bring a really nice towel and soap and offer to sit with the child while they get a shower. A mindless but amusing book, silly magazines, or an easy art things like an adult coloring book are also great. You really can’t focus on anything with depth.

No. The worst part of being in the hospital, apart from the pain and stress, is the IV line and the tape glue bruising and irritating your skin. BTDT. There's really no point in complaining about anything else.

Yes, for the patient. This parent is not the patient, that is the child, a baby. The parent, who OP wants to support, will not have an IV.

[Anonymous]

When my baby was in the hospital, what was most helpful was people coming to visit and hang out with me, and those who brought homemade food. Offer her multiple options for when best to stop by, bring a salad or a sandwich, and just hang out. You don't have to say anything momentous, just ask her how she is holding up, and then let her take the lead, but just be there. You also don't need to stay long, but if you can stop by more than once, it will be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Yes to everything from before. Maybe organize a meal delivery schedule with friends and childcare for kids when au pair is off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It meant the world to me when my best friends showed up at the hospital when my child was hospitalized. They brought a meal, cheesy celebrity magazines for me to read and just sat with us and chatted.

Just be sure the ACTUAL PATIENT ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL is okay with you being there. I was in the hospital for two weeks and my mother had an endless parade of friends visiting. I was 9, knew I looked like crap, didn't care, and didn't want visitors. I wanted to sleep and watch mindless tv. I did not want my mother trying to make me sit up so she could brush my hair and get it "manageable" because her friend was coming by in a few minutes. I did not want my mother hissing at me that I was rude because I fell asleep while her friend was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my baby was in the hospital, what was most helpful was people coming to visit and hang out with me, and those who brought homemade food. Offer her multiple options for when best to stop by, bring a salad or a sandwich, and just hang out. You don't have to say anything momentous, just ask her how she is holding up, and then let her take the lead, but just be there. You also don't need to stay long, but if you can stop by more than once, it will be appreciated.

You don't even need to bring homemade food--I had a family member who was in the ICU for 6 weeks, and anything that wasn't from the hospital cafeteria or coffee cart was delicious. If she likes Cava or Chipotle or whatever, just swing by on the way and ask what she'd like, or ask what she'd like from the grocery store on the way.