Having a good “check in” with you spouse

[Anonymous]

Does anyone do this? Does it work well for you?

My DH and I have been married for several years. At times I question how happy he is. We got married after dating for a few years- we were already in our early 30s. He is s good father, good friend to me but sometimes just very hard to communicate with. He can get passive aggressive, snide, defensive over small things. Even seems to like to punish me over perceived slights. Lately it feels like he’d love to fight with me. At worst, I feel like if we had a real heart to heart he may even admit to having a take it or leave it attitude about our marriage.

He’s also not interested in date nights. I’ve given up asking. And I don’t blame having small kids entirely for the situation, either.

[Goodtime]

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[Anonymous]

Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

I don't think someone who is invested in a marriage unilaterally rejects date night.

We do do 'check ins' and date nights but that is like...cyclically supportive.

The check ins address problems early, the date nights serve as emotional and physical reconnection on a regular basis, all of which contributes to no major issues because things are tackled early.

It sounds like you guys need more than a check in, more like a 'big conversation". A long term solution might involve regular checks ins and date nights but you need to get to the root of the issue first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

This is not the norm for most couples. Add in small kids, family who lives far from home, two jobs, and lack of resources. So while this works for you, please realize it is unrealistic for most couples to get away every 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

We had a few "state of the union" talks when we first got married. Kind of like "hey, I want to bring this up now because I think if it keeps going I'll silently resent you until our marriage blows up so is there any way you could change this one thing I know you had NO idea has been bothering me" type of talks.

But we go out just the two of us once a week and he's even better at communicating than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

That's nice for you that you have people to watch your kids. We have no family in the area, and it costs $1000 for a weekend of babysitting for us to go away. It's just not practical for many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a few "state of the union" talks when we first got married. Kind of like "hey, I want to bring this up now because I think if it keeps going I'll silently resent you until our marriage blows up so is there any way you could change this one thing I know you had NO idea has been bothering me" type of talks.

But we go out just the two of us once a week and he's even better at communicating than I am.

OP here. This is what I had hoped for and am still hoping for. But I feel there is some resentment. Perhaps when we were dating I should have really considered the communication issue. I’ve found that he leaves a lot of decisions in my court but I often wonder if it’s just a way to avoid blame.

Again, sadly, I feel like such a check-in talk would devolve into a vicious attack from him. My gut tells me to be prepared for ugliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

That's nice for you that you have people to watch your kids. We have no family in the area, and it costs $1000 for a weekend of babysitting for us to go away. It's just not practical for many.

+1
PP, you're clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

Many men have the attitude that they got married so they did not have to date anymore and if they want to hang out with "friends" that is something they do with "da boys".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

That's nice for you that you have people to watch your kids. We have no family in the area, and it costs $1000 for a weekend of babysitting for us to go away. It's just not practical for many.

+1
PP, you're clueless.

I don't live near family. DH and I go out once every 2-3 weeks. It is worth its weight in gold for what it does for our relationship and it doesn't have to be prohibitively expensive. Last date night we saw Aquaman at one of those movie theaters that serves food. Three hours of babysitting, the price of admission, a pitcher of beer and some greasy food. Less than 100 dollars twice a month. And we could do even cheaper things if we set our minds to it.

I agree that a couples weekend every 6 weeks is prohibitively expensive for most people but just because you can't do the ultimate marriage package up there like PP doesn't mean you can't prioritize date nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

That's nice for you that you have people to watch your kids. We have no family in the area, and it costs $1000 for a weekend of babysitting for us to go away. It's just not practical for many.

+1
PP, you're clueless.

I don't live near family. DH and I go out once every 2-3 weeks. It is worth its weight in gold for what it does for our relationship and it doesn't have to be prohibitively expensive. Last date night we saw Aquaman at one of those movie theaters that serves food. Three hours of babysitting, the price of admission, a pitcher of beer and some greasy food. Less than 100 dollars twice a month. And we could do even cheaper things if we set our minds to it.

I agree that a couples weekend every 6 weeks is prohibitively expensive for most people but just because you can't do the ultimate marriage package up there like PP doesn't mean you can't prioritize date nights.

DP. I agree, I think PP's point was that it's important to prioritize your relationship, no matter the time and money limitations. Even if it's just once a month, block that date off on both of your calendars. [We don't have kids and couldn't do that many dates and couples' weekends]

[Anonymous]

When my husband stopped doing date nights I realized he was checking out of our marriage. Maybe therapy for you and a heart to heart with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why isn’t he interested in date nights? Has he given you a reason?

DW and I do date night once a week, lunch date at least once a week, and couples weekend roughly every 6 weeks.

It isn’t hard and we both enjoy it.

This is not the norm for most couples. Add in small kids, family who lives far from home, two jobs, and lack of resources. So while this works for you, please realize it is unrealistic for most couples to get away every 6 weeks.

DP here and we do weekly date night. We often don't go out of the house: we stay in and do something special after the kids go to bed. Sometimes we bake a dessert together, or get delivery and a movie.

We did weekly scheduled checkins for a while after seeing a counselor; we have let those drop off but we still have the vocabulary and framework for scheduling one. We go away overnight when grandparents come to visit us, which is about three nights a year. Lunch dates are a great idea, not sure we can make that work but maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had a few "state of the union" talks when we first got married. Kind of like "hey, I want to bring this up now because I think if it keeps going I'll silently resent you until our marriage blows up so is there any way you could change this one thing I know you had NO idea has been bothering me" type of talks.

But we go out just the two of us once a week and he's even better at communicating than I am.

OP here. This is what I had hoped for and am still hoping for. But I feel there is some resentment. Perhaps when we were dating I should have really considered the communication issue. I’ve found that he leaves a lot of decisions in my court but I often wonder if it’s just a way to avoid blame.

Again, sadly, I feel like such a check-in talk would devolve into a vicious attack from him. My gut tells me to be prepared for ugliness.

The bolded makes me think therapy might be a good idea for you - you alone at first, and then bring him in. DH and I literally had talks about my pajamas - he asked me to limit my flannel pjs from college that have ducks and flamingos on them to less frequently than all the time. I asked him to stop leaving the dog's toys all over the floor when he finished playing with her. It was truly small things that neither of us realized bothered the other. We both literally said, "Oh! Yeah, okay sure."