Perfect sister always makes me feel bad
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Anonymous
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I don't think she intends to. Its just that her life is a picture perfect instagram ready dream space that she sometimes seems to have a hard time understanding someone else, especially her dear sister, would not have the same privileges she enjoys.
For example, DH and I are "DC Poor." As such we have to budget and make tradeoffs. The past few years since we were wanting to get married and did not have any parental financial support. Because of that we did not spend much money buying any furniture or artwork for our small apartment. As such it has been a few months since we moved into our new apartment and it is still pretty bare. We also live in a relatively uncool part of town, Ft Myer, in an old building to not spend a lot on rent. We drive an older car and I own a minimalistic wardrobe. Do I wish that I too could live a Pinterest life? Sure! But I am trying to be a responsible adult and live responsibly. My little sister and her boyfriend however are poster children for millennial yuppies. He grew up upper middle class and also earns a high six figure salary as a late thirties tech sales guy. She doesn't make much but due to hanging out with him and his friends, she has sort of become a snob. She always makes not very nice comments about how/why my DH and I live the way we do. "Why would you live in a boring part of town?" " I could never forgo an engagement ring. It is SO important to a woman!" " A man should always bring a woman nice jewelry!" "I could never live in an unfurnished apartment, that is so not cool!" As a mid twenties young woman she is decidedly very lucky. She dresses in expensive fashions, wears nice jewelry, gets her hair done in expensive salons, mani pedi every two weeks, 2-3 vacations per year, well decorated apartment etc In my early thirties I don't nearly live as lavishly. I am ok with my choices but her constant judgement and comparisons make me feel like she thinks less of me. And it makes me feel weird and awkward. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| First of all, your sister isn't perfect, she's obnoxious and rude. It sounds like it may be water off a duck's back, but you could respond to her comments with how they make you feel. Otherwise, ignore her. She's not even married to this guy yet, so who knows what turns her life will take. Between the two of you, I'd be friends with you over your sister every day and twice on Sunday. |
Anonymous
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"Sister, it's obnoxious and rude of you to continually criticize my lifestyle. We are on a budget. Why do you want me to feel bad about my life? Do you hate me?" At some point, you need to push back, OP. |
Anonymous
| Ignore her. If you were truly okay with your choices this wouldn’t bother you so much, btw. Besides, the life you describe she has doesn’t sound Pinterest-perfect not all too lucky anyway. Just a normal upper middle class life. Are you sure you’re not secretly jealous? |
Anonymous
Op here. I am jealous! Not enough to lose sleep over it but her constant reminders about how I can’t do or afford the things she can doesn’t help. |
Anonymous
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My sister was like this, when we were younger (in college). She judged my choice of boyfriends, for example. Then, her heart was broken by the man she was going to marry, and after grieving that loss, she came to the realization that life isn't totally under one's control, that we all don't get to make perfect choices, and that no one is immune to tragedy and loss.
Your sister may or may not learn that lesson. It's also possible that this is her crappy way of showing concern. Or that she feels judged by you about how superficial her life is. Who knows. The point is, be gracious to her, but also to yourself. I chose not to have an engagement ring. AT first, I questioned this choice, and was maybe secretly not so down with it, but as I've gotten older, I'm really glad I did that. My sister got a fancy ring, and then later ended up having to help her DH repay the debt, so... And if it's really just too painful to look at your sister's Instagram, maybe just turn off your account for a while and focus on the people around you, many of them have so much less, you have to feel lucky about what you've got.  I know I do.
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Anonymous
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I’m sorry OP. Her life isn’t perfect since she’s getting her kicks putting you down. Something is missing for her to treat you this way. Or, she grew up resenting you and now she feels that she has the upper hand.
There’s good advice above. If you want to maintain your relationship with her you’re going to need to either laugh it off or call her out on it. Good luck whichever you choose. |
Anonymous
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"Why would you live in a boring part of town?"
" I could never forgo an engagement ring. It is SO important to a woman!" " A man should always bring a woman nice jewelry!" "I could never live in an unfurnished apartment, that is so not cool!" Your sister is either not very nice or has terrible situational awareness. If you think it's the latter both of you could probably benefit from a frank conversation about how she's being a jerk when she says these things and she should really learn to filter herself. If she's being an a-hole on purpose, then I think you can distance yourself a bit and not feel bad about it at all. It's her problem, not yours. |
Anonymous
She did grow up resenting me and I know a part of her is deeply satisfied that she gets the “better” life. But I know she loves me so I don’t think she’s being mean deliberately. |
Anonymous
| If he will not marry her, all of that is temporary and her world will come crashing down without his money. |
Anonymous
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You’ve posted before about this topic
if she’s as smug as you say, karma Will Catch up stop worrying about her! |
Anonymous
Older than you, still going to therapy about siblings. Both things can be true. She loves you AND she's being mean deliberately. Or, she's not being mean deliberately but she is still inflicting damage and you need to let her know how she's making you feel. If she already knows how she's making you feel (which is entirely possible) and/or won't stop making you feel bad, set boundaries. Like PP above who suggested you take a break from her social media. And, if at all possible, try not to stoop to her level. She makes you feel badly with her comments, you know it, you know she loves you, don't snipe back at her, just try to communicate how she's making you feel & move on. Finally, good for you for being fiscally responsible! This is such a good call and you will lead a much better, happier, fiscally responsible life as a result, regardless of how many mani pedis your sister gets that you cannot have. |
Anonymous
A lot of siblings grow up resenting each other but usually people mature in adulthood and are able to move past it. I’ve posted before that I was extremely jealous of my cousins, who grew up wealthy, with a SAHM and endless friends and trips etc. I wasn’t very nice to them. Now, as an adult, I haven’t apologized per se but I have made so many gestures to show that i know what a brat I was. Humility and kindness has gone a long way and I have a great relationship with my extended family. She sounds incredibly immature and I’m sad to say that she needs a reality check. Siblings are such an important relationship and you are lucky to have each other. For her to beat you down like that is really terrible. |
Anonymous
| You have a husband, she has a boyfriend who seems to be bankrolling her lifestyle. If there isn't a ring in her future I'd say her comments stem partly from insecurity. And you don't have to always keep quiet. I would start calling her out. |
Anonymous
| You’re married, she’s not, she’s jealous. |