Divorce over abandonment?

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is the right forum. I haven't called an attorney yet.

Is it possible to get more support in a divorce if your partner has abandoned the relationship? The information online is quite vague.

Husband withdrew from our marriage a few years ago. He repeatedly blamed this or that- he was distant bc he was stressed at work, the kids weren't sleeping, someone was sick, and all sorts of reasons. He basically withdrew from any normal marital expectation of love and interaction- he started with making reasons why he wouldn't go on dates, then refusing to plan family vacations - he would only use his vacation time for his family of origin. When I told him he felt distant, not affectionate, and this was not a functioning relationship, he would make excuses for his behavior, say he would try harder but it would never happen. I repeatedly asked him what was wrong, if he would go to counseling with me (he refused), if there was anything I could do differently because I was at a loss for what was happening. He eventually started sleeping separately, kept personal stuff (clothes etc) in another part of the house and finally told me he was done. He hasn't made any effort to work on our relationship nor repair any damage that I've been continually mentioning- it was getting worse and worse. He also has said some awful words to me as well.

We have two young kids. I can't easily afford cost of living in my own household and would have never ever bailed on our relationship (though clearly I should have).

Should I litigate for abandonment and try to get more of the house? He never moved out, has always taken care of the kids, and contributed to finances. The issue is 100% withdrawal from our relationship despite my asking for counseling and attempt at repairing whatever went awry for him. I have emails outlining our issues, could affirm this situation with notes from visits with my therapist and other paper trail over time and he would be hard pressed to prove any effort.

I do not want to try to steal the kids or affect his relationship with them. I DO want significant support since his choice will affect me indefinitely living in a high cost of living area.

We are in VA.

[Anonymous]

Nope

[Anonymous]

Definitely talk to a lawyer. I filed for abandonment but only because H left, I'm not sure that "emotional" abandonment counts. The only thing it will do for you to file for cause is getting your divorce immediately-- which can be a very big deal with the backlog in VA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely talk to a lawyer. I filed for abandonment but only because H left, I'm not sure that "emotional" abandonment counts. The only thing it will do for you to file for cause is getting your divorce immediately-- which can be a very big deal with the backlog in VA.

I will definitely call one. I had hoped to see if anyone has experienced a similar situation and litigated over it. Thank you for your input.

[Anonymous]

"Desertion or abandonment requires both the breaking off of cohabitation and an intent to desert in the mind of the offender. A mere separation by mutual consent will not be considered desertion."

[Anonymous]

No.

You can't punish him financially for not trying.

You will get what you negotiate and what a lawyer will help you get, but VA is pretty straightforward. Split the assets, child support being paid by the non-custodial parent.

With child support and half your assets - how much more do you need?

[Anonymous]

You have an uphill battle and it won't likely affect property division at all. You're better off trying to negotiate a no-fault. Both this and constructive desertion require a year of separation (at least in Virginia).

And, no, it won't affect spousal support, which is fairly formulaic. Short of adultery, the formula is what it is (28 percent of his income minus 58 percent of yours when there are kids).

[Anonymous]

This indicates you can file on account of cruelty:

Cruelty is not just physical harm, but may take other forms as well. Angry words, coarse and abusive language, humiliation and other malicious annoyances are considered cruelty. Cruelty can be the sum total of consistent emotional abuse. In Virginia, spouses who have endured such emotional abuse where they suffer from anxiety, depression, weight loss or other psychological harms have been granted divorce based on cruelty. For example, someone who is constantly humiliated by their spouse or who has been shown coldness or indifference from their spouse may fulfill the definition of cruelty. However, rudeness, an occasional temper, or an occasional refusal of sex, where it does not endanger bodily harm, will not rise to the level of cruelty under Virginia law. Also, adultery that exposes a spouse to potential STDs may be considered cruelty in the state of Virginia.

https://www.shannonbedoislaw.com/chesapeake-divorce-lawyer-cruelty-as-means-for-divorce/

[Anonymous]

That's not abandonment. Abandonment is when he leaves, you cannot find him and/or he is not supporting the family. You are unhappy, just file for divorce and move out. You will get child support via a formula but it may not be significant as you want/demand. He is not there to maintain your lifestyle when you choose divorce. You now will have to maintain two homes vs. one and the costs will be significant. He also needs a house that he can have enough room with the kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not abandonment. Abandonment is when he leaves, you cannot find him and/or he is not supporting the family. You are unhappy, just file for divorce and move out. You will get child support via a formula but it may not be significant as you want/demand. He is not there to maintain your lifestyle when you choose divorce. You now will have to maintain two homes vs. one and the costs will be significant. He also needs a house that he can have enough room with the kids, etc.

+1. What you describe does not qualify for a fault divorce and even if it did you would spend way more time and money than it’s worth for little to no “reward.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not abandonment. Abandonment is when he leaves, you cannot find him and/or he is not supporting the family. You are unhappy, just file for divorce and move out. You will get child support via a formula but it may not be significant as you want/demand. He is not there to maintain your lifestyle when you choose divorce. You now will have to maintain two homes vs. one and the costs will be significant. He also needs a house that he can have enough room with the kids, etc.

+1. What you describe does not qualify for a fault divorce and even if it did you would spend way more time and money than it’s worth for little to no “reward.”

See the excerpt above. Maybe won't get me more but it is grounds for fault divorce.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married and how old are your kids? Just trying to figure out if you will get alimony and child support.

Courts and judges due not care if your husband checked out in an emotional way. My ex had DUI's and cheated on me. Nobody cared.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

do

[Anonymous]

No abandonment would be if he took off, moved somewhere else whereby he neglected the children and the household bills. It sounds like he found someone else. He's in for a big surprise in divorce court, but you're better off without him.

[Anonymous]

This does not qualify as abandonment. The person has to physically leave. If you want a divorce, you need to start a separation. Talk to an attorney. You will likely not get the amount of child support and alimony you think you might (I did the math for me and it was appalling.)