at what age did you know your son is gay?
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Anonymous
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I'm posting this under "special concerns" but it's not necessarily a concern, more than a curiosity. All my children are boys. My youngest son is in elementary school. For the past two years or so, DH and I have wondered if he's gay. This is not something that would cause any strife in our family. I do suppose I'd be concerned about it to a limited extent as it might be a slightly tougher road in some respect but we'd unite to get him through it.
Just curious if anyone noted things when their sons were younger that turned out to be true as they grew older. |
Anonymous
| What does he do to make you think this? |
Anonymous
| No insight here but my DH and I wonder that, too, about our eldest. He's 6, and we've thought this since he was 3 or so. It isn't anything specific that we notice other than a sense that he is different from our middle son, who seems so solidly 'boy' to us, whatever that means. It's hard to talk about this without generalizing, but we woudln't be surprised if our eldest is gay and we wouldn't be surprised if our middle isn't. |
Anonymous
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Can't totally help you, but I've also wondered about one of my sons.
I've come to realize that a lot of it was just that some of his strong interests are more "girl" oriented. In early elementary, because of this, he had a lot of female friends and he picked up some more "girl-like" mannerisms. As he got older, a lot of this fell off. He's now old enough to have crushes and his crushes have all exclusively been on girls. My husband and I have always been very careful to talk to him in gender neutral terms when describing marriage, partners, "liking" someone, etc. I've read that a lot of gay people know very early on and experience same-sex crushes in the pre-puberty/tween years. I guess we'll see. He could still be gay. Like you, I don't care other than for his safety and all that. But it's a different world than when I grew up in many parts of the country (certainly not all), thankfully. |
Anonymous
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Please note that if a girl is sporty, into science and technology, refuses to wear dresses, etc., pretty likely it crosses no one's mind that she is gay.
Just saying. Not saying superficial things like the things listed above is why you think your son might be gay. But I do think there is more pressure for boys to gender norm than girls. A lot more. |
Anonymous
| You all realize the gender identity and sexual orientation are different things, right? |
Anonymous
That's simply not true. I was called a lesbian and and it wasn't that word they used all through and including high school because I played sports and refused to wear makeup or dresses. All by other girls, mind you. |
Anonymous
OP here. I get what you're saying even though I'm not super knowledgeable about the all the specific terminology. I feel confident that he feels confident and comfortable in his boy body. In many ways, he is "traditionally" masculine. I am starting to see, however, echos of the adult gay men I have known in his expressions and movements. His interests and friendships are changing as well. But, who knows, maybe he's just woke. 
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Anonymous
| Obviously, as soon as you think he's gay, you'll want to stop contributing to his 529. |
Anonymous
What year was this? I was in high school in the 90s and the sporty girls were the cool ones at my school. Dated boys too. |
Anonymous
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This makes me think of a friend in my circle from college. She married a guy we were all absolutely convinced was gay. Our evidence was that he dressed well, had a slight lisp (sadly I am serious...forgive us we were young), had some effeminate gestures, took great care with his hair, and loved to cook.
Meanwhile, flash forward 20 years and he is the best dad ever and such a great partner to her and to be crass, still keeping her happy in the sack. We were total morons. I agree with the previous poster that people's definitions of masculinity needs to change. |
Anonymous
| NP here - my 2nd grade boy has only expressed that he has crushes on other boys. I know it's so young but I also won't be surprised if he's gay. We also try not to be hetero-normative when discussing different types of families. |
Anonymous
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My 16yo son is gay and has been out since middle school. I started to think he might be gay in preschool, although I never said anything about it to him. I cannot point to a single concrete reason I felt that way, I just had a feeling. I've talked to him about it recently and he says he doesn't really know when he knew, just that it was when he was pretty young.
I know that's not totally helpful but I will say that having that feeling made me consciously decide to be crystal clear about how I felt about things like homosexuality and marriage equality around all of my kids in ways I might not have otherwise done. My attitude was that if I was right, he would know he where I stood, and if I was wrong, there was no harm in my kids knowing my opinions (and hopefully sharing them--I will totally own that intent). When he came out to me, he did so in a way that didn't feel scary to him. He says he wasn't worried I'd be upset or reject him, he knew that I would be fine and so would his siblings. So that's my best advice--if you think your kid is gay and you want to be sure they feel safe later in life about coming out to you, make sure they know exactly where you stand by telling them. |
Anonymous
OP here. Good advice and this sums it up perfectly. I think DH and I are slowly trying to find more and more ways to communicate our feelings and acceptance for homosexuality, marriage equality, etc but I've wondered if we should step it up a little. As you said, if we're wrong, it doesn't matter and I've simply communicated our family values. |
Anonymous
| Just adding to the voices here, OP. My son is 6 and I too wonder if he is gay. DS showed no “signs” until he started Kindergarten (currently in 1st grade). Prior to that, he was stereotypically “all boy.” |