People who won't visit without their pets: a vent

[Anonymous]

Specifically, my parents. They have two horribly behaved dogs. Large dogs that jumps, bark loudly if the wind blows (never mind if the mailman comes, or a squirrel is outside or....you get the idea), climb up on furniture, will steal food from counter tops and tables, and one "nips" with alarming regularity. Since they refuse to travel without these wretched beasts, in an effort to actually see my parents, and so they can see their grandson, we have come to an uneasy truce where my parents stay in a hotel but during the day I will allow the dogs to be crated in the kitchen. That way, we can actually go do things. But DH is allergic to dogs, so even keeping them in the kitchen and doing a massive deep clean does not ensure we can fully prevent a reaction. Sometimes it works better than others.

Right now, my DH is recovering from a very serious eye injury. We won't know the extent of the damage and if it will result in needing a cornea transplant until it has fully healed in 3 to 5 months. The cornea specialist has been very clear that DH must avoid anything that can irritation and inflammation of his eye.

I told my parents this today, ahead of a Presidents' Day long weekend trip they want to take to come visit, and that that means they dogs cannot come to the house, at all. They immediately accused me of hating their dogs (true....very true), keeping them from their grandchild, and deliberately trying to make their lives more difficult. I said they're actually welcome to make the trip but have to make other arrangements for their dogs, be that boarding, finding a dogsitter, getting an AirBnB that they can leave the dogs at, whatever. But the dogs cannot come here. Didn't matter, they're reacting emotionally and all about them and their (stupid) dogs.

I can't change them. I'm hurt that their dogs are more important to them than their grandson, but I'm not really surprised that when push came to shove that's what they picked. I'm hurt that DH and I have bent over backwards to accommodate the dogs on their visits, and the one time we ask them to accommodate us, they flip out and throw a tantrum, but, again, not really surprised. I just need to vent about it and get it off my chest.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, op. They're not being reasonable here. I'm sorry for your dh's injury, but you're doing the right thing and I'm sorry they are being crappy about it.

[Anonymous]

They are 100% in the wrong. I’m sorry you are hurt by their unreasonable actions. You can’t argue with crazy, and you won’t change their minds about how nuts they’re being. You’ll have to stick to your guns and let this go.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow. Stick to your guns. Your DH has a dog allergy!! Blame the doctor and tell them no dogs now and in the future. This situation is crazy.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, OP. But it sounds like you've done all the right things. You've tried to work something out and it sounds like you tried to bend over backward in the past to accommodate them. But you're absolutely right in asking them to not bring the dogs to your house. (In fact, I wouldn't have let them do it at all if a family member were allergic to dogs.)

Sounds like you've got a good attitude here. Stand your ground and maybe they'll get used to this limit being set. But even if they don't, don't give in. You deserve better!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm 110% on your side. Stick to your plan, and know that you are handling this situation like a mature adult. Your parents... not so much.

[Anonymous]

I actually think this is a good thing. You need to change your policy to NO DOGS AT ALL EVER and here you have a good jumping off point for it.

You have said your piece and made your boundaries and now you just patiently enforce until, as you do training a dog, they get it.

[Anonymous]

What specifically do they say when you point out hubby's allergies and latest medical issue??
Do they think you are making it up???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you have to go through this, OP. But it sounds like you've done all the right things. You've tried to work something out and it sounds like you tried to bend over backward in the past to accommodate them. But you're absolutely right in asking them to not bring the dogs to your house. (In fact, I wouldn't have let them do it at all if a family member were allergic to dogs.)

Sounds like you've got a good attitude here. Stand your ground and maybe they'll get used to this limit being set. But even if they don't, don't give in. You deserve better!

I actually disagree with the bolded, and this: "I'm hurt that DH and I have bent over backwards to accommodate the dogs on their visits, and the one time we ask them to accommodate us, they flip out and throw a tantrum, but, again, not really surprised."

OP, you're at least partially responsible for this situation by enabling it for so long. Frankly, the fact that you don't want the dogs in your house is sufficient reason to not allow them. That they are loud, are poorly behaved and bite (!!) reinforces this. That your husband is allergic makes your previous decisions to let the dogs come unfathomable to me. (Seriously - he has allergic reactions in his own house and you continue to allow this situation? WT actual F? How much did you have to bully him to make him agree to this?) I'd be furious if I were your husband.

You set the stage for this mess. It's good that you are taking a stand now, but it's a day late and a dollar short.

[Anonymous]

I'd never allow the dogs in my home again. DH's allergies are too severe. Sorry.

If they know it's NEVER AN OPTION AGAIN they'll adapt. Otherwise they'll just keep trying to get you to bend.

We have a similar situation (family with many untrained dogs) and we said no way from the get go. It's been much better and they eventually adjusted. They still choose the dogs over their grand kids sometimes, but that's their choice to make and is not my problem. They can spend as much dog-free time as they'd like with my kids.

[Anonymous]

They are being assholes.

Some dog people are just insane and weird about their pets. Sorry it happens to be your parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, they are out of line.

They have many other options - for example, when my parents visit my sister, who herself has two dogs who do not get along with other dogs, they will sometimes bring their dogs and stay in a pet friendly hotel, and then send the dogs to doggy daycare during the day so they can visit. They can board the dogs at home, hire someone to come in to their home and care for their dogs (rover.com), and any number of other options.

[Anonymous]

That's just awful. I can't believe they would bring two dogs into a home with an allergy, full stop. And to do that to their daughter's husband! It's ridiculous...and I have (and love) my own two dogs. I would never invite them over to someone else's home, full stop. I use boarding facilities routinely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you have to go through this, OP. But it sounds like you've done all the right things. You've tried to work something out and it sounds like you tried to bend over backward in the past to accommodate them. But you're absolutely right in asking them to not bring the dogs to your house. (In fact, I wouldn't have let them do it at all if a family member were allergic to dogs.)

Sounds like you've got a good attitude here. Stand your ground and maybe they'll get used to this limit being set. But even if they don't, don't give in. You deserve better!

I actually disagree with the bolded, and this: "I'm hurt that DH and I have bent over backwards to accommodate the dogs on their visits, and the one time we ask them to accommodate us, they flip out and throw a tantrum, but, again, not really surprised."

OP, you're at least partially responsible for this situation by enabling it for so long. Frankly, the fact that you don't want the dogs in your house is sufficient reason to not allow them. That they are loud, are poorly behaved and bite (!!) reinforces this. That your husband is allergic makes your previous decisions to let the dogs come unfathomable to me. (Seriously - he has allergic reactions in his own house and you continue to allow this situation? WT actual F? How much did you have to bully him to make him agree to this?) I'd be furious if I were your husband.

You set the stage for this mess. It's good that you are taking a stand now, but it's a day late and a dollar short.

It was actually DH who came up with the kitchen idea. He is very "family is everything, do anything for family" type, much more than I am. Previously, my parents lived in MoCo, so coming into the city to visit for a few hours wasn't an issue. Or we'd meet them at a restaurant by their house. But they have since relocated to Florida for retirement. The first visit was a nightmare because I did refuse to allow the dogs in the house. We basically fought the entire time, when they weren't at their hotel refusing to speak to us. DH brokered the kitchen solution in an effort to come up with some way to make future visits happen.

[Anonymous]

You need to end the conversation when they get irrational. Done. Hang up. “It hurts my feelings that you’re not considerate of DHs health. I can’t talk anymore right now.”

That’s it. No more. If you acquiesce to crazy, that makes you crazy too. That’s the behavior you’re modeling for your children - that in your family the craziest most insane person makes the rules for everyone else.