How to respond to DH saying his weight gain is because of my weight loss efforts?

[Anonymous]

This is about weight, so I want to be clear that I am attracted to DH and don't need him to lose weight if he doesn't want to. Over the course of our 15+ years together, both of us have been really fat, really skinny, and in-between. Currently, we are both overweight. I've been working since November to lose weight, and am finally seeing some progress. Meanwhile, DH has been gaining and his shirt collars don't fit.

Last night DH said that his weight is suffering because, to support my weight loss, he's been "letting" me take more active household chores like walking the dog. He also suggested the problem is compounded because I'm furloughed and he's working. I promptly said he could walk the dog every day, and then I let it drop. I would like to come back to this and find out how I can support him, but I don't want to make him feel bad and I don't want to be one of those "I'm losing weight so you should too" people.

The dog thing is mostly a red herring. We already eat very healthfully at home and he eats very little during the workday -- honestly I think his gain is (a) alcohol and (b) slowing metabolism, which is not helped by eating almost nothing during the day, and staying up late. DH used to enjoy weight lifting and I believe he would be happier if he were more active, and slept and ate more, but I am not sure how to introduce that so that it isn't a criticism.

Any ideas? Say nothing? I'm buying him a new (bigger) dress shirt tomorrow for a work event we'll attend; he didn't ask for that but he really can't wear the one he's got.

[Anonymous]

He's deflecting responsibility. If you wanted to, you could point that out to him. I wouldn't because there's no sense in making things worse, but I would do what you did, which is let him do the things he says you're taking from him. And otherwise ask how you can be supportive.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t about weight. It’s about him not taking responsibility for himself and looking for a scapegoat.

I think you were right to call his bluff on walking dog. If you are furloughed, tell him you’ll do some extra stuff around the house to give him time to jump start getting back into working out.

If he is really so baffled at how he is gaining weight, tell him to see a dietitian, talk to his Dr and get some sound medical advice. If he wants to deal with it, he needs to step up and do it himself.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is blaming, but it's still fair to have a conversation about how you can work together to support each others' goals.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely not buy him a bigger dress shirt unless he asked you to. Let him take responsibility for himself.

[Anonymous]

Exercise with him. Schedule a gym date or do some calisthenics at home or something along those lines. Productive for both you and him.

[Anonymous]

Agree, this is about him not taking responsibility for his own weight. FWIW, you can walk the dog together. Aw, sweeeeet.

It isn't as if you are shoving cookies down his face. If you were buying treats or making sweets and had them around, I'd let you take some blame for not supporting his weight lose. But it doesn't seem to be the case.

Have you suggested to him it is alcohol and metabolism?

[Anonymous]

You ask him how he would like you to be supportive of his weight loss efforts. Ask if he would like to walk the dog alone or together. Ask if there are active things that you can enjoy together (maybe a walk after dinner).

My sister works only part-time. She had a health scare last year and as a result, she needed to increase her physical exercise. She found one way to get 3-4 miles of walking in is that she now watches several TV series. After work, her long-time boyfriend comes and gets her and they go to the mall, eat a light dinner and then walk for an hour or so in the mall. To pass the time, she tells him what's going on in the TV series. When she gets to the end of the last episode she's seen, she usually says "Stay tuned next time for the next exciting chapter of [show]". It's become their thing to do and actually helped both of them. Her boyfriend was going through a heavy patch and now he's back down to a healthy weight and they're enjoying the time together.

[Anonymous]

what is this bullshit? no one is stopping him from walking.

[Anonymous]

Such a load of crap from him. I would have started laughing at his ridiculous comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such a load of crap from him. I would have started laughing at his ridiculous comment.

+1. What a baby!

[Anonymous]

I’m sure the dog would enjoy an extra walk. Why doesn’t he ask and see what the response is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask him how he would like you to be supportive of his weight loss efforts. Ask if he would like to walk the dog alone or together. Ask if there are active things that you can enjoy together (maybe a walk after dinner).

My sister works only part-time. She had a health scare last year and as a result, she needed to increase her physical exercise. She found one way to get 3-4 miles of walking in is that she now watches several TV series. After work, her long-time boyfriend comes and gets her and they go to the mall, eat a light dinner and then walk for an hour or so in the mall. To pass the time, she tells him what's going on in the TV series. When she gets to the end of the last episode she's seen, she usually says "Stay tuned next time for the next exciting chapter of [show]". It's become their thing to do and actually helped both of them. Her boyfriend was going through a heavy patch and now he's back down to a healthy weight and they're enjoying the time together.

This is a great idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask him how he would like you to be supportive of his weight loss efforts. Ask if he would like to walk the dog alone or together. Ask if there are active things that you can enjoy together (maybe a walk after dinner).

My sister works only part-time. She had a health scare last year and as a result, she needed to increase her physical exercise. She found one way to get 3-4 miles of walking in is that she now watches several TV series. After work, her long-time boyfriend comes and gets her and they go to the mall, eat a light dinner and then walk for an hour or so in the mall. To pass the time, she tells him what's going on in the TV series. When she gets to the end of the last episode she's seen, she usually says "Stay tuned next time for the next exciting chapter of [show]". It's become their thing to do and actually helped both of them. Her boyfriend was going through a heavy patch and now he's back down to a healthy weight and they're enjoying the time together.

This is a great idea!

The funny thing is that my sister is a little OCD. After she watches an episode, she sits down and writes notes of the show on note cards and then she takes the note cards with her when they walk so that she doesn't leave anything out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Such a load of crap from him. I would have started laughing at his ridiculous comment.

Agreed! Walk the dog again, walk without the dog, walk the dog together. How did you not laugh in his face?