Workaholic partner

[Anonymous]

I’m so tired of the workaholic side of my boyfriend. We are both mid 40s, been dating 1.5 years. I love him and he’s got a lot of great qualities, but this issue is a problem that keeps getting in the way.

He’s got a job that has 4 busy cycles per year. He also works from home and only occasionally goes to the office for meetings. It’s a mid level management job, which means he has a boss or two above him and a small staff. I also have a ft job that requires extra hours periodically, so I understand that part. What I don’t get is what seems like addiction to the job, constantly being on the laptop and emails. Others in his department are not working these long hours, nights, nights, weekends, holidays. We’ve talked about this many times, and he has cut down some hours, but he is still working way more than anyone else.

For example, he put in about 10 hours yesterday, then came over around 7 last night for nye. Not 5 minutes after arriving, he has his laptop open and is looking at emails. I looked at the screen and saw it was work. He just smiled and laughed and I said that I didn’t think it was funny at all. He put his laptop down and I asked if he needed to work and that if he did, he should just do the hour or whatever he needed, and get it out of the way. He kept his laptop closed but the evening was awkward and not fun, we ended up falling asleep on the coach before midnight and barely talking rather than having fun.

Am I overreacting? Work dominates everything in his life. He spends so much time on it, then he’s too tired to do much, and often anxious and had trouble sleeping, which I suspect is related. He doesn’t see friends or family much, and when we do see family, they always encourage him to apply for other jobs that would be more normal hours. So, this has been a long term issue. He has also said he’s set himself up as always available, so he’s trying to unravel this. I think he likes the validation from doing a good job and being needed there.

This is getting in the way of personal relationships with people who really care about him. I’m not willing to go further in the relationship like getting engaged or living together while this is happening. I haven’t said this specifically, but will if we start to seriously discuss it. We’ve generally discussed the future a lot of times.

What’s your advice on this’s?

[Anonymous]

It's not going to change, OP. It's his style.

[Anonymous]

He won’t change. Accept how he is or move on. ~divorced mom who was married to a workaholic doctor

[Anonymous]

There is zero chance of him changing. Accept it or move on.

--a mid 40's guy that's been a lifetime workaholic

[Anonymous]

He wants a girlfriend for sex. Nothing more.

[Anonymous]

I’m still at the part where he came over to YOUR place and actually brought his laptop, turned it on and read work emails. Who does that on NYE after working 10 hours and knowing this is an issue with his girlfriend?

You are not overreacting in the least.

He is not going to change. This is not going where you want it to go. Break it off now. Start 2019 on the right note.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is in accounting with year end

[Anonymous]

Agree with everyone else. Get used to it and quit complaining or end it because he won’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants a girlfriend for sex. Nothing more.

I don't believe this. I am a workaholic in my 40s. It was one of the reasons I got divorced. I am now engaged and my partner knows that I am a workaholic. I do make sure he knows that I love him, but he also knows that this is who I am.

[Anonymous]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go a different direction. It can totally change.

I'm a late 30's guy that has had it both ways. I'm currently a workaholic, and put in 70-80 hour weeks, pretty much every week. I work from home. Start emails at 7, a few breaks throughout the day for stuff like dinner and to see the kids, give them a bath, put them to bed, then generally back on emails and calls with Asia until somewhere between 10 and 2am. Usually at least 4-8 hours on the weekend.

I wasn't always like this. My last job paid nearly as well (same company, different department), but I literally worked 20-30 hour weeks. It wasn't really necessary to do more than that (even though I was FT), and I had a super relaxed, non-motivated boss. I did that job for 4 years. Before that, I was probably more in the 50 hour / week range.

I'm a high performer, and adapt to my surroundings / do what I need to do to be successful. My wife and I have had some conversations about my current role, and probably the one thing that would definitely change it is just getting a different job (either internally or externally).

There are all kinds of reasons people work those hours. For validation, money, power, to cover up other professional shortcomings, to make up for perceived weaknesses like not being geographically flexible, etc. For me, the last one is a big factor. My wife loves the flexibility that comes from me working from home (I do almost all morning childcare, drop / off, and most of the evening), but I have to bring something to the table for my company to offset not being in the headquarters. For me, that's the extra effort / availability.

If it really bothers you, you will need to both set boundaries, and probably see if you can get him to change jobs (even within his company, just to another department that may not be so overloaded).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants a girlfriend for sex. Nothing more.

I don't believe this. I am a workaholic in my 40s. It was one of the reasons I got divorced. I am now engaged and my partner knows that I am a workaholic. I do make sure he knows that I love him, but he also knows that this is who I am.

I hope you never have kids.