Great advice I have gotten here on dealing with my elderly parents
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Anonymous
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Wanted to share what I have found helpful and say thank you. I was busy ruminating about the trolls on DCUM and how little empathy the occasional troll can have when really so many of you get it and have great ideas. Hope this helps others. These are the great ideas you have given me...
1.) Focus on making sure your parents don't harm others (e.g. driving when no longer safe) and realize you may not be able to protect them from themselves. I was exhausting myself fighting every battle that I though had to be fought. Getting them to stop driving was a nightmare, but I am convinced it may have saved a life-theirs or someone else's. That bad! Other battles had to be fought to protect others. I was then exhaustred trying to make sure they got enough help for themselves and trying to get them to face reality. I finally had to let go some. They did end up moving forward. It might not be enough for full safety, but now there are professionals telling them what needs to be done, not just me so I can back off. 2.) Set boundaries with bad behavior. Someone on here said a nursing home staff member advised them to stop visiting for a while after the mom behaved terribly. She did and mom actually behaved better the next time. Well I calmly made it clear I empathies, but cannot take the yelling and rude behavior and I stepped back some and visited less. It has helped some. |
Anonymous
| It depends on the person/behavior. My relative has dementia and she cannot help her "bad" behavior. |
Anonymous
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When my dad fell ill, we decided that mom could not handle taking care of dad and the house on her own. They moved in with us and we were able to put their house on rent. Over the years they got rid of all their stuff that they did not need. When my dad passed away, my mom was not alone. She and dad were well looked after, they had their own space, they were able to hire full time nurse when my dad was unable to move and they never had to be in a nursing home etc. With the extra income from their rented house, they also became very well off. This allowed my mom to pay for airfare to visit relatives or ask them to visit her. She was able to attend all major events in the family because there was always someone at home to look after dad. When my dad passed away last year at home surrounded by family, we felt blessed that a very difficult time in the family was made bearable for all of us because the family was together.
When you buy a house, think of ways you can accommodate your elderly parents and ILs too and if you can afford it, buy a house where there is one or two IL suites attached. It is a blessing because we all will be in a situation where we will need to take care of elderly parents or ILs. |
Anonymous
Not everyone has that luxury of a mansion nor able to pay for a full time nurse. |
Anonymous
No, but you can figure out what to do with what you have. We live in a rambler/ranch (3 bedroom 2 bath). We had my father move in and we gave him our bedroom because it had a small bathroom attached. We moved into our son’s room. Our two sons bunked up together and we all shared the hall bathroom. I was at home at the time and did the vast majority of nursing and care. We were lucky to have him for 9 months and it really helped my sons learn about their grandfather. |
Anonymous
Worked on my mom with dementia and my grandfather with alzheimers even at mid stage (not at advanced stage). I think self-awareness goes out the window to some degree, but at least in out case there was still enough awareness to tunr things around a little especially if you quickly ended the visited when the rage started. |
Anonymous
PP of the first comment in this comment box. We did not have a mansion and were able to accomodate them in our own house by giving them our master bedroom. However, since my parents, I have started to look at home layouts differently. When we buy homes we always think of what our kids need, but in the end, sooner or later, we start caring for aging ILs, parents and even spouses and siblings. We need to think of areas in our homes that are on first floor (mobility issues), and have ensuite bathroom. We were able to have a health care aide for bathing/dressing/toileting needs of dad and some companionship - mainly because they were getting rent from their house, had medical insurance, had long term disability, had personal savings and had no expense except meds when they lived with us. Initially, we needed someone to help mom in the day time for only an hour or two. Later on it was for several hours and only sometimes it was evenings. In other words, we could focus on dad's care and give mom the support and security, without anyone of us feeling overwhelmed.For my mom, having the running of the house and meals taken care of was a great relief. Having grandkids and us around prevented her from feeling lonely. Even when my dad was unresponsive, we all got in the habit of hanging around in his room and chatting and he was never ever left alone. If they were living independently in their own house, we would have not been able to care for him and the cost would have been prohibitive. Besides, the fact that we were able to do this for years have been the most satisfying feeling in the world. My dad took his last breath in his bed, at home, with all of us around him - just the way we all should be lucky enough to go. |
Anonymous
| I have found that the accommodations we have made to create a safer, more accessible environment for my autistic DD has made our home friendlier for our elderly and temporarily disabled family and visitors. We have begun renovating our bathrooms as needed to incorporate more elements of universal design. |
Anonymous
+1. I had two separate grandparents living with us growing up, and we did not live in a mansion. The key was that we had a single-story house that was easy to get around. The one with bathroom issues had a very small room (maybe 7x10) but it was next to a powder room. My teen sister and I shared a bathroom with the other. It worked fine, although one did move into a nursing home when the mobility issues because so severe that she needed someone to lift her in and out of chairs/bed/etc. One piece of advice -- charge them rent. Seriously. First, it helps offset some of the expense of the larger house. Second, it helps them maintain a sense of dignity and independence. Third, it helps with the Medicaid spend-down rules. You can always give the $$ back to them if/when they need it. But they can't give you a bunch of $$ as a thank-you when/if it does become time for them to move into a nursing home, or they are penalized by Medicaid for it. |
Anonymous
He couldn't have had severe dementia where he could not be left home alone. I did it for 9 months in our tiny house but it got to the point my Mil was abusive verbally and physically and needed 24/7 care. I couldn't leave the house to take ours to their appointments and school. There is also a huge difference in a 1000 square foot house and a 2500 square foot house/3 bedrooms. We have no master bedroom/only one bathroom. |
Anonymous
I am the immediate PP. No dementia and our house is about 1800 sqft, which , yes is bigger and the second bathroom helps, but it is not 2500 ft. |
Anonymous
| I learned to make peace with never hearing “thank you” from the apparently many other caregivers here who aren’t hearing it either. I told myself it’s my mom’s problem, not mine. |
Anonymous
I mean, I learned to make peace with never hearing “thank you” from my mom thanks to the apparently many other caregivers here who aren’t hearing it either. I told myself it’s my mom’s problem, not mine. |
Anonymous
So, about twice the size of ours and more bathrooms. If there is not dementia and just old age it is not comparable and you should disclose that. It’s a very different type of caregiving. |