Dating someone who is bird nesting

[Anonymous]

I am interested in people who have experience dating someone who was bird nesting with their ex. Bird nesting is where a separated/divorces couple share the marital home but only have a one/two bedroom apartment. They switch off caring for the kids in the marital home.

Did they share the master, or the apartment bed? I assume that if theybzhares the master, or the bedroom in the apartment, they change the sheets at each swap. Did they entertain you in the swap house? Did you allow them in your place if you had kids?

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for the information. This seems like a very temporary solution to a permanent situation.

[Anonymous]

If they don't have separate apartments (not one that they share) forget it.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to nest with my ex. He refused and wasted so much money in the process. I would think sex in the temporary apartment, family home is off-limits, and the temporary apt maintenanxe is a turnkey operation just like a beach rental. Clean sheets, kitchen, etc. that the person heading back to the marital home is responsible for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they don't have separate apartments (not one that they share) forget it.

Why? It’s like a hotel room. No one is using either space at the same time. It sets the 1yr separation period without a ton of cost for setting up a brand new household and is less disruptive to the kids. How is that a problem dating?

The bigger issue seems dating someone who is in this stage of a divorce still really isn’t ready to date. Things are really raw in the first year.

[Anonymous]

OP here. If sex in the swap house is off limits, so is mine since I have a kid. Renting hotels would be expensive. I guess that most of these couples dont go after serious relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If sex in the swap house is off limits, so is mine since I have a kid. Renting hotels would be expensive. I guess that most of these couples dont go after serious relationships?

So you date with your kid around? Or you get babysitting at your house? Are you never child free?

[Anonymous]

Watch the show Splitting Up Together.

[Anonymous]

I did this- and married the guy. Now getting divorced.
Looking back these would be my look fors. While at first it seemed like a ‘putting kids first’ type of thing- it wasn’t. It was about the parents wanting to dillued themselves that they were actually divorced. Divorce is inherently messy and disruptive to kids. The birdnesing was a way to make themselves feel better. It was also confusing to the kids.
2Nd- it’s a dynamic where you will be sacrificing the growth of your new relationship to their old relationship. It sounds good- parents who get along well to bird nest- but it really means (in my experience) that they’ll do a lot of strange stuff to keep up their own delusions, and you’ll go along for the ride.
Lastly- these deals just end. Abruptly. In my case his ex wife met a guy and was re-married 8 weeks later. A whole lot of reality was forced on the kids in a matter of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this- and married the guy. Now getting divorced.
Looking back these would be my look fors. While at first it seemed like a ‘putting kids first’ type of thing- it wasn’t. It was about the parents wanting to dillued themselves that they were actually divorced. Divorce is inherently messy and disruptive to kids. The birdnesing was a way to make themselves feel better. It was also confusing to the kids.
2Nd- it’s a dynamic where you will be sacrificing the growth of your new relationship to their old relationship. It sounds good- parents who get along well to bird nest- but it really means (in my experience) that they’ll do a lot of strange stuff to keep up their own delusions, and you’ll go along for the ride.
Lastly- these deals just end. Abruptly. In my case his ex wife met a guy and was re-married 8 weeks later. A whole lot of reality was forced on the kids in a matter of days.

NP Thanks for sharing your experience. I have not been in this situation, but this is how I always saw bird nesting.

As far as the bolded goes - what do you mean by that? what other weird stuff did they do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If sex in the swap house is off limits, so is mine since I have a kid. Renting hotels would be expensive. I guess that most of these couples dont go after serious relationships?

So you date with your kid around? Or you get babysitting at your house? Are you never child free?

The point is, if his house is off limits, so is mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this- and married the guy. Now getting divorced.
Looking back these would be my look fors. While at first it seemed like a ‘putting kids first’ type of thing- it wasn’t. It was about the parents wanting to dillued themselves that they were actually divorced. Divorce is inherently messy and disruptive to kids. The birdnesing was a way to make themselves feel better. It was also confusing to the kids.
2Nd- it’s a dynamic where you will be sacrificing the growth of your new relationship to their old relationship. It sounds good- parents who get along well to bird nest- but it really means (in my experience) that they’ll do a lot of strange stuff to keep up their own delusions, and you’ll go along for the ride.
Lastly- these deals just end. Abruptly. In my case his ex wife met a guy and was re-married 8 weeks later. A whole lot of reality was forced on the kids in a matter of days.

Thank you for your post. He is friend material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they don't have separate apartments (not one that they share) forget it.

Why? It’s like a hotel room. No one is using either space at the same time. It sets the 1yr separation period without a ton of cost for setting up a brand new household and is less disruptive to the kids. How is that a problem dating?

That would be logical. But people aren’t totally logical. Emotionally, they regard that shared apartment as “their place”, and they resent you, their ex, having sex with someone else in “their place”. It’s like you’re cheating on them somehow.

As you must know, many people are pained when they find out their ex is seeing someone. Sharing an apartment, even if they’re never there at the same time, makes that 10x worse.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy who sort of had a variation in bird nesting - he had his own apartment but never really moved out of the family apartment, and did a lot/all of his time with his kid at the family apartment. I don’t think his daughter spent any time at all at his new apartment. We stayed at my apartment all the time because his 4 year old always slept at the family apartment. He saw her a ton during the day and weekends (academic w/flexible schedule). In retrospect this was a pretty good setup for a young child in the first year of separation. But terrible for me! Dude was in no way ready to settle down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If sex in the swap house is off limits, so is mine since I have a kid. Renting hotels would be expensive. I guess that most of these couples dont go after serious relationships?

So you date with your kid around? Or you get babysitting at your house? Are you never child free?

The point is, if his house is off limits, so is mine.

I don't get this response. If his house is off limits, it's likely because he and his ex decided that was the most respectful way to treat their shared space during in this transition in order to reduce conflict and be positive coparents. In my mind that points to him being a good guy who has self control.

That said, I nested, and I'm so thankful to all the men and women who turned me down when I hit on them. I was a hot mess and really needed some time to get my head together before I started dating. I am so thankful to all the friends who were there for me but didn't take it in a romantic or sexual direction.

In my case, we had a shared house where our child stayed full time. We each had separate bedrooms. We also had a shared apt, but I was really the only person who used it.