Friend gives me cold shoulder when with friends: WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I have known this friend for many years and done many thing with her — trips, sports, kids and so on. She’s very friendly and nice one on one but with a group it’s total ice. She’s always inviting me to do things with a group — she loves group activities. Not a friend?

[Anonymous]

She is inviting you. Do you know the other people?

[Anonymous]

Yes I know the other people. Mostly talk with them.

[Anonymous]

She’s NOT a friend

[Anonymous]

This is currently happening a lot with my son and his friends - in fourth grade. OP, I would accept her invites to group things if you want to see the other people. But you know what she’s like now.

[Anonymous]

OP here: it just makes me so sad. It goes beyond a normal thing — she will barely even look at me much less talk to me around other people. It’s embarrassing and hurtful. The friendship is ending.

[Anonymous]

I have a close friend who wants to monopolize me during group events. Corner me and trap me in a conversation so I can’t speak to others. Could you be doing this?

[Anonymous]

OP here: I have thought about that yes. I see her in long conversations with others that are one on one. But I haven’t talked with her in a group setting in 3 years. But we still see each other fairly often. I’ve been turning down invites lately.

[Anonymous]

That’s really so odd, especially since she continues to reach out and include you very regularly. Why doesn’t she just stop inviting you? It makes very little sense.

If she’s a good friend then I’d just ask her: “Leslie, you keep inviting me me but you haven’t talked to me in a group in three years. You literally don’t talk to me or look at me. What’s up with that?” It’s worth a try before cutting her off — unless you’re really just done, of course.

[Anonymous]

I have friends like this ( not to this extreme, but similar). . I am willing to accept I am tier B, but it would be hurtful if you thought you were good friends. I mean it does not feel great, but I refuse to compete.

I also wonder if you know things about her that others do not, so she is afraid that you might start up a conversation about something that would embarrass her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I have thought about that yes. I see her in long conversations with others that are one on one. But I haven’t talked with her in a group setting in 3 years. But we still see each other fairly often. I’ve been turning down invites lately.

If she doesn't see those other friends as frequently, she's going to give the preference for one on one time. You get her to yourself fairly often.

[Anonymous]

If she is a close friend, just ask her!

I’ve known people like this. When people do this, it’s because other people don’t like you in the larger group, and the other people talk about you behind your back.

It could be many things. Just ask.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? I know someone who did this. Pretty sure she has borderline personality disorder. Just waiting for some others to see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is a close friend, just ask her!

I’ve known people like this. When people do this, it’s because other people don’t like you in the larger group, and the other people talk about you behind your back.

It could be many things. Just ask.

I agree with this--if you and she actually are friends you should not be afraid to ask her, OP. Why haven't you done so? What's stopping you?

"I notice that when we're one on one we talk like crazy but when we're out in a group I feel you and I don't interact at all. Do you see that too? Is there something different in the group dynamic that we don't talk then?" And discuss it like adults.

I'd wager she has no idea that you see this and she may even think she and you are enjoying the group events together. Some people can enjoy things in parallel with people-- next to you but not necessarily talking through the event with you. She may talk to so many folks at group events that she just assumes she's including you. And OP, ending a friendship over this -- especially if you have never brought it up with her -- is really drastic and could be resolved without just disappearing on her.

I also wonder if she feels you and she are good enough friends that you two do not NEED to be conversing one on one at group events. She knows you and she will be seeing each other separately from the group so maybe she feels "OP doesn't need me hovering over her--she and I can catch up with these mutual acquaintances and compare notes later." You said you two see each other pretty frequently. She may feel so confident in your friendship that she believes you and she don't need to be talking as much at group outings. Why aren't you confident in this friendship?

I hope you can talk to her and consider those positive possibilities, OP. I think you and some PPs are jumping to assuming the worst of her, which, if you and she are friends, is a really negative way to proceed. Please talk to her before you dump her.

It sounds as if things are fine one on one so just stop doing group events. Do you just not really want these group events, but attend because she asked you to, and then when you're there you prefer to interact with her but not with others as much? Then stop going and tell her that you're not as up for group stuff as time goes by but you'd love to see her separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I have thought about that yes. I see her in long conversations with others that are one on one. But I haven’t talked with her in a group setting in 3 years. But we still see each other fairly often. I’ve been turning down invites lately.

Turning down invites for these group things, or turning down invites to see her alone? Which is it? Or are you turning down both? If so, the one doing the cold shoulder is you.

If you stop the group stuff, fine. You clearly don't enjoy those things if you spend them distracted because she's not paying you the attention you expect from her while there. But if you actually like her when you're with just her, why stop being friends who just meet up individually?

It sounds like you just do not like group settings but do like her enough to want her attention, so drop group stuff and tell her you're more comfortable with seeing her alone. This isn't hard and does not have to be dramatic. She doesn't have a personality disorder like some nonsensical drama queen PP claims. It sounds like she just is a more social person in groups than you are and she probably thinks you enjoy these events and are off socializing like she is.