What to do about forgetful husband?

[Anonymous]

Mu husband always forgets to do things that I ask him to so. Yesterday, he forgot to put away the chili that I had simmered all day long in the crock pot, so it sat on the counter overnight. We can't eat it now! His response was to just make it again. I'm not running to the grocery store and waking up early to prep and assemble the ingredients again. Did I mention that I am pregnant with twins, have a full-time job, and a 2-year-old? Do I need to do everything myself? I'm so mad.

[Anonymous]

Do you write things down for him?

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, I hear you! I wish I had an answer but I'm hoping that someone will help you. I am actually starting to think that my husband has a serious brain or attention disorder and I'm not even joking around. He leaves the oven on, he leaves lights on, he forgets that his car registration expires (then needs to use mine, leaving me and the 3 month old without transportation in case of an emergency, yikes). He forgets to get the laundry from downstairs 2 minutes after I asked him. I hand him a washcloth while I'm in mid-diaper change and ask him to go and wet it (baby is sensitive and we don't use wipes) and I come out with a half naked baby two minutes later to see him absorbed in his (insert profanity) i-phone. I ask him (while I have an arm full of baby) to empty the diaper genie and I come back in to find diapers sitting in the crib and the bag on the floor because he started to take it apart midway but forgot about it, and then clearly did a few diaper changes subsequently and forget again. (He does manage to remember diaper changes, thank god!) I am at my wit's end. I used to think this was a sign that he did not care enough about me to do these things, but I can see that he clearly and deeply regrets it when he realizes he forgot something again. I hate to nag him, but some of the things (leaving the oven on) happen often! Although some of it has to do with laziness (hate to say it) and some has to do with multi-tasking on his iphone, I honestly think there could be something medical going on and am frightened. He is sooooo absent minded it's not even funny anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, I hear you! I wish I had an answer but I'm hoping that someone will help you. I am actually starting to think that my husband has a serious brain or attention disorder and I'm not even joking around. He leaves the oven on, he leaves lights on, he forgets that his car registration expires (then needs to use mine, leaving me and the 3 month old without transportation in case of an emergency, yikes). He forgets to get the laundry from downstairs 2 minutes after I asked him. I hand him a washcloth while I'm in mid-diaper change and ask him to go and wet it (baby is sensitive and we don't use wipes) and I come out with a half naked baby two minutes later to see him absorbed in his (insert profanity) i-phone. I ask him (while I have an arm full of baby) to empty the diaper genie and I come back in to find diapers sitting in the crib and the bag on the floor because he started to take it apart midway but forgot about it, and then clearly did a few diaper changes subsequently and forget again. (He does manage to remember diaper changes, thank god!) I am at my wit's end. I used to think this was a sign that he did not care enough about me to do these things, but I can see that he clearly and deeply regrets it when he realizes he forgot something again. I hate to nag him, but some of the things (leaving the oven on) happen often! Although some of it has to do with laziness (hate to say it) and some has to do with multi-tasking on his iphone, I honestly think there could be something medical going on and am frightened. He is sooooo absent minded it's not even funny anymore.

Sorry, I'm a guy, and you were right the first time. He's prioritizing other things over helping. He feels bad because you get angry, but that doesn't change the fact that helping out is not a priority.

[Anonymous]

Same thing you do with your kid: natural consequences.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could help, but I'm in the same boat. I don't think it's necessarily about prioritizing, because my DH does show that family comes first in many ways. But remembering the small stuff (emptying diaper genies, putting food away) eludes him. He knows it, but doesn't know how to change, and I don't know what to tell him. He asks how I remember stuff and keep everything organized, and the only answer I have is that I have to, because someone has to, and I keep lists and write things down and basically just use a lot of my brain space for these things.

Is there anyone out there, male or female, who used to be like this but who successfully changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same thing you do with your kid: natural consequences.

Problem is, the natural consequences usually come down on the spouse/kids. So it isn't the same. If it's things like not doing laundry, that's one thing, but when it's not putting food away, therefore letting it spoil so the entire family has nothing to eat, the consequence impacts everyone.

[Anonymous]

Create a space on your fridge for a to-do list. Make several sections. One is that night. The other is things that need done in the week (when my son was really young I had a "every night" list because I was so darn tired I would forget the smallest things if not written down). If your DH really does want to help out, it's much easier for him to learn to check the list then to remember random things. (my DH is only so-so with this, but my friend's DH LOVES checking off items).

Also, for my DH, giving him a specific thing to do is what is needed. Unload dishwasher. Every night. Random things - never get remembered. The same thing - 95 percent of the time it gets done.

Or post a note on the bedroom door, so when he goes to bed he sees "put chili in fridge or face tired pregnant woman".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing you do with your kid: natural consequences.

Problem is, the natural consequences usually come down on the spouse/kids. So it isn't the same. If it's things like not doing laundry, that's one thing, but when it's not putting food away, therefore letting it spoil so the entire family has nothing to eat, the consequence impacts everyone.

He ruined dinner, he makes dinner. Simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for writing it down. I like the PPs approach of a little humor ("face tired pregnant woman).

I can't remember anything unless I write it down, so I usually try to do the same for DH. Either I'll just leave a list, or send an email.

[Anonymous]

My husband was like this. I put up with it for a year before I suggested that everyone (himself included) would be happier if he would just treat the damned ADD. He looked at me like I'd grown a second head. He can't have ADD! He did well in school! Plus, he comes from a country where any kind of psychoactive medication is severely frowned upon.

But he's a good guy, so he went to the doc and got the prescription and he was AMAZED at the difference it made in his own life. From my perspective, there was about a 70% improvement. He still forgets to do stuff, and gets sidetracked by ridiculous stuff, but it's so much better. From his perspective, it was like someone hit the "easy" button. Things he had struggled with forever all of a sudden became no big deal.

And thank god. If I were still dealing with pre-ritalin husband at this point in my life, with kids and full time jobs and daily coordination plans that look like the invasion of Normandy... ugh. I'd probably have thrown my hands up in disgust by now and divorced him. I'm glad he was reasonable about taking the meds, and that it didn't come to that.

[Anonymous]

My husband wasn't horrible but he needed ADD meds as well and it has helped him focus tremendously. It made a huge difference with his job as well. It's hard to tell if OP's husband even has a problem though. I've forgotten simple things like putting away left overs before. I'm surprised that she never has. It's an innocent mistake.

[Anonymous]

One thing I do is appeal to the technology that works for him. My husband's life revolves around his blackberry. So I send him invites to remind him to do things. He even schedules things now himself but I do most of the reminders (through Outlook). Maybe you can find a similar method.

[Anonymous]

I'm the forgetful one in our marriage and I found the reminders/tasks option in Outlook to be invaluable. I also keep a (usually) hand-written to-do list, that helps too.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a guy, but I agree with the guy PP. People remember the tasks that they "own," and when they're sorry for forgetting something, it's really only because they're sorry they're getting snapped at. You as the owner of the problem will ultimately solve it for them, so there's no incentive to take responsibility. Your DH doesn't consider the next night's dinner to be his problem, so remembering to put it away is not his priority. And all he has to do is apologize and he still gets to eat dinner, so it's just not a big deal in his mind. Ditto the PP with the diaper genie and the washcloth and such. It's your problem and they're "helping" with it. And on top of that, there are many people who will subconsciously (or even consciously) handle tasks they don't like or prioritize incompetently so that you stop asking for their help and just do it yourself because it's easier.

The PP about natural consequences is a very good point. How would it go over to require him to provide dinner in lieu of the ruined chili, or else you feed your child scrambled eggs or chicken nuggets and pick up some takeout for yourself and let him get his own dinner?

IMHO it's important for your DH to understand how it makes you feel when these things happen (disrespected, worthless, sad, abandoned, etc.) and what it says to you about his opinion of you and the role you play in the family. If someone knows that when they do/fail to do something that they're telling you that your feelings/time/priorities don't matter, they are on notice the next time something like this arises, and they're making a conscious choice. If you don't communicate about it, and it seethes under the surface for years, it can really poison the relationship.

Disclaimer #1: I am NOT a super-organized person; I can be flakey about many things, but not when it means forgetting something means there's no dinner, or there are poopy diapers on the floor that I'll have to clean up, or there is no clean underwear. I make myself do these things because they have to be done, and I consider it my responsibility to do them, just as at my paying job I remember deadlines and appointments and requests from my superiors. But I am at heart kind of a flake.

Disclaimer #2: I'm getting divorced, in part because of daily issues like the OP noted, which in my ex's case was symptomatic of a whole universe of disrespect that bled over into a lot of other areas of life, not just that one. So I'll admit that I may be bitter or hypersensitive about these things. But that's also why I advocate being very honest about how it affects you, and if possible getting the situation in hand now, because it'll only get harder the longer you put it off.