What to do about forgetful husband?

[Anonymous]

We are all capable of doing what is important to it is. I am sorry but that is what it comes down to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all capable of doing what is important to it is. I am sorry but that is what it comes down to.

Not true. Though I like how the folks' who got the good brain chemistry make it sound so simple. It's like saying "we can all be supermodels". Well, with full-time trainers and maybe some plastic surgery we could at least be JC Pennys catalog models. And, with the right meds, most of us should be capable of getting the important things done. But please don't paint everyone with your biologically-perfect brush. I don't need the meds myself, but having lived with several sufferers, I know better than to huff and snipe and make it about me.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Adult ADD to me. My BIL has this and his meds helped tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It's like saying "we can all be supermodels". Well, with full-time trainers and maybe some plastic surgery we could at least be JC Pennys catalog models.

Lol! Some of the guys in the JCP catalog are actually kinda cute! (imho)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, I hear you! I wish I had an answer but I'm hoping that someone will help you. I am actually starting to think that my husband has a serious brain or attention disorder and I'm not even joking around. He leaves the oven on, he leaves lights on, he forgets that his car registration expires (then needs to use mine, leaving me and the 3 month old without transportation in case of an emergency, yikes). He forgets to get the laundry from downstairs 2 minutes after I asked him. I hand him a washcloth while I'm in mid-diaper change and ask him to go and wet it (baby is sensitive and we don't use wipes) and I come out with a half naked baby two minutes later to see him absorbed in his (insert profanity) i-phone. I ask him (while I have an arm full of baby) to empty the diaper genie and I come back in to find diapers sitting in the crib and the bag on the floor because he started to take it apart midway but forgot about it, and then clearly did a few diaper changes subsequently and forget again. (He does manage to remember diaper changes, thank god!) I am at my wit's end. I used to think this was a sign that he did not care enough about me to do these things, but I can see that he clearly and deeply regrets it when he realizes he forgot something again. I hate to nag him, but some of the things (leaving the oven on) happen often! Although some of it has to do with laziness (hate to say it) and some has to do with multi-tasking on his iphone, I honestly think there could be something medical going on and am frightened. He is sooooo absent minded it's not even funny anymore.

Sorry, I'm a guy, and you were right the first time. He's prioritizing other things over helping. He feels bad because you get angry, but that doesn't change the fact that helping out is not a priority.

I agree with this. Dh is also very forgetful and it's a huge issue in our relationship since we became parents. The "I'm not as good at remembering things" or "you're more organized than me" excuses have worn very thin. He can remember the stats of his fantasy football team, manage a sales team and easily handle other things important to him. We've been having conversations for months about how I can better communicate things to him so he remembers - white boards with lists, outlook reminders, nagging - tried it all. What finally got through, just this week, was me telling him that when he forgets things over and over and over again, no matter how many times we've talked about it, it's like a big F-You to me.

[Anonymous]

It's great if communication worked for you, 14:04, but lots of that sounds like classic ADD to me. Ever wonder how the kid who can't sit through a 45 minute class can spend 3 hours on a video game? My brother was literally incapable of getting through a meal with the family-- leg jitters, inappropriate outbursts, etc-- but could build lego models endlessly. He knows everything there is to know about every military aircraft ever built. It's easy, with normal brain chemistry, to say "why can't he put that mental energy into graduating from college?" But having seen him on and off the meds, it's clear to me, even if I don't understand it, that he's just not wired the way I am, and that those pills do something to put him in better synch with the world.

[Anonymous]

I disagree about the ADD because of his reaction - to just make dinner again. I think that shows that he was clearly disinterested in the follow-through. Without that piece, I would have said that you'd have to make peace with managing him via lists, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's great if communication worked for you, 14:04, but lots of that sounds like classic ADD to me. Ever wonder how the kid who can't sit through a 45 minute class can spend 3 hours on a video game? My brother was literally incapable of getting through a meal with the family-- leg jitters, inappropriate outbursts, etc-- but could build lego models endlessly. He knows everything there is to know about every military aircraft ever built. It's easy, with normal brain chemistry, to say "why can't he put that mental energy into graduating from college?" But having seen him on and off the meds, it's clear to me, even if I don't understand it, that he's just not wired the way I am, and that those pills do something to put him in better synch with the world.

I have ADD, and I'm glad you brought this up. Most people don't understand that people with ADD not only have trouble staying on task, they are also prone to hyperfocusing-- when they focus so completely on one thing, the rest of the world drifts away. Hyperfocus is as much of a problem as the inability to focus. A book I read about ADD analogized the ADD brain to a television in which you don't have control of the remote. So the channels may be changing constantly or the TV may sit on one channel forever, even when it's appropriate to change to something else. Think of ADD as an inability to control where one's attention goes.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. That sounds rough. I would be tempted to call Apple and ask "Is there an app for that?"

I agree with natural consequences and lists. I also think that at least some of the time, multi-tasking is the problem. So I recommend that you also create a chunk of Iphone-free time in the evening. If he has an "on call" kind of job, let him program the thing to ring differently for the boss or client, and then set it down somewhere accessible but not use it. This is family time anyway. When he's not doing whatever chore is on his list, he should actually be interacting with you and your child (and soon to be more), not with the screen.

The ADD thing is possible, but it doesn't look to me as if he's actually made a commitment to try to get it right without medication. I'd go to lists, consequences, and no phone first.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all capable of doing what is important to it is. I am sorry but that is what it comes down to.

I got a whole lot of co-workers that prove this statement to be false

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, I hear you! I wish I had an answer but I'm hoping that someone will help you. I am actually starting to think that my husband has a serious brain or attention disorder and I'm not even joking around. He leaves the oven on, he leaves lights on, he forgets that his car registration expires (then needs to use mine, leaving me and the 3 month old without transportation in case of an emergency, yikes). He forgets to get the laundry from downstairs 2 minutes after I asked him. I hand him a washcloth while I'm in mid-diaper change and ask him to go and wet it (baby is sensitive and we don't use wipes) and I come out with a half naked baby two minutes later to see him absorbed in his (insert profanity) i-phone. I ask him (while I have an arm full of baby) to empty the diaper genie and I come back in to find diapers sitting in the crib and the bag on the floor because he started to take it apart midway but forgot about it, and then clearly did a few diaper changes subsequently and forget again. (He does manage to remember diaper changes, thank god!) I am at my wit's end. I used to think this was a sign that he did not care enough about me to do these things, but I can see that he clearly and deeply regrets it when he realizes he forgot something again. I hate to nag him, but some of the things (leaving the oven on) happen often! Although some of it has to do with laziness (hate to say it) and some has to do with multi-tasking on his iphone, I honestly think there could be something medical going on and am frightened. He is sooooo absent minded it's not even funny anymore.

Sorry, I'm a guy, and you were right the first time. He's prioritizing other things over helping. He feels bad because you get angry, but that doesn't change the fact that helping out is not a priority.

I agree with this. Dh is also very forgetful and it's a huge issue in our relationship since we became parents. The "I'm not as good at remembering things" or "you're more organized than me" excuses have worn very thin. He can remember the stats of his fantasy football team, manage a sales team and easily handle other things important to him. We've been having conversations for months about how I can better communicate things to him so he remembers - white boards with lists, outlook reminders, nagging - tried it all. What finally got through, just this week, was me telling him that when he forgets things over and over and over again, no matter how many times we've talked about it, it's like a big F-You to me.

I'm the poster quoted in bold above. The guy responding is talking about himself. DH and I have a wonderful relationship, otherwise. He can remember things like "my turn to make dinner" and "when we wake up in the morning, take DS for a little while so wife gets a nap." He is great about putting us first. I have no problem with his priorities. And I don't snap at him much at all. I genuinely think he has an attention problem. I don't want him to medicate himself, I just want him to pay attention! He is clearly crestfallen when he forgets things. The other day there were a number of things he forgot to do -- like goofy little things like going into another room to get me water (I was nursing our baby) and then he forgot what he went into the room for when our dog needed to be let out. I'm a little bit offended by the guy on this list who thinks he can magically speak for my husband to say I was right the first time, that he doesn't care about me. Since you know everything, buddy, what should I do about it?

[Anonymous]

OP: Buy a huge erasable white board for each level of your house and put it in a visible place. Put tasks and reminders there. On the little things repay DH in kind, i.e. when he is inconsiderate MAKE IT HURT. Ensure that he experiences your level of distress. Only you know what will make him writhe. Is it lack of sex, scrambled TV, profanity, the silent treatment, comparisons to his incompetent father, comparisons to your friends' husbands who do step up to the plate, leaving him alone with your toddler for 6 hours without warning, crying hysterically? You have all these options and more.

[Anonymous]

While I agree in theory with the lists and whiteboard ideas, I've tried them. Put a HUGE whiteboard right in the main are we all walk through a zillion times a day. Put another one in the kitchen, right next to the fridge. Well, guess what? DH elected not to look at them. Sometimes, I write a sticky and put it on his computer. He just moves it to the side.

The ADD posters have been interesting, especially with the issue of hyperfocus. However, I also agree with the poster who told her DH that every time he neglects to do something, that's like saying f you to her. I've told DH that too. He feels bad for a day, then goes right back to old habits.

Oh, and when it comes to chores he should do daily so he won't forget? Nope, 10 years in, he still claims to "forget" to take care of our cats.

I'm probably making him sound like a huge asshole, and in this one area, he kind of is, but I know from talking to friends that this is hardly abnormal among husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I agree in theory with the lists and whiteboard ideas, I've tried them. Put a HUGE whiteboard right in the main are we all walk through a zillion times a day. Put another one in the kitchen, right next to the fridge. Well, guess what? DH elected not to look at them. Sometimes, I write a sticky and put it on his computer. He just moves it to the side.

The ADD posters have been interesting, especially with the issue of hyperfocus. However, I also agree with the poster who told her DH that every time he neglects to do something, that's like saying f you to her. I've told DH that too. He feels bad for a day, then goes right back to old habits.

Oh, and when it comes to chores he should do daily so he won't forget? Nope, 10 years in, he still claims to "forget" to take care of our cats.

I'm probably making him sound like a huge asshole, and in this one area, he kind of is, but I know from talking to friends that this is hardly abnormal among husbands.

Yep! I'm the f-you poster from above. That's my point. This seems to be a common problem with most of my friends, too. Do all men have ADD? Maybe Dh has some ADD, but he can remember everything he needs to do for work - including things his boss asks him to do and the ever-changing status of multiple projects across multiple customers in 3 states - without using lists and outlook. So it seems to be selective ADD. I've even asked him how he manages to remember work things and his answer is "I just do". So, yeah, it is a bit mind boggling to me. Intentional or not, it can be hard not to take it personally sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I agree in theory with the lists and whiteboard ideas, I've tried them. Put a HUGE whiteboard right in the main are we all walk through a zillion times a day. Put another one in the kitchen, right next to the fridge. Well, guess what? DH elected not to look at them. Sometimes, I write a sticky and put it on his computer. He just moves it to the side.

The ADD posters have been interesting, especially with the issue of hyperfocus. However, I also agree with the poster who told her DH that every time he neglects to do something, that's like saying f you to her. I've told DH that too. He feels bad for a day, then goes right back to old habits.

Oh, and when it comes to chores he should do daily so he won't forget? Nope, 10 years in, he still claims to "forget" to take care of our cats.

I'm probably making him sound like a huge asshole, and in this one area, he kind of is, but I know from talking to friends that this is hardly abnormal among husbands.

Yep! I'm the f-you poster from above. That's my point. This seems to be a common problem with most of my friends, too. Do all men have ADD? Maybe Dh has some ADD, but he can remember everything he needs to do for work - including things his boss asks him to do and the ever-changing status of multiple projects across multiple customers in 3 states - without using lists and outlook. So it seems to be selective ADD. I've even asked him how he manages to remember work things and his answer is "I just do". So, yeah, it is a bit mind boggling to me. Intentional or not, it can be hard not to take it personally sometimes.

Exactly. It's not like they have just enough attention for work and run out at home. It's because at work, they HAVE TO, or there will be consequences, including ones that offend their manhood, like being demoted or fired. At home, the consequence is that you get nagged, which a husband can explain away as part of marriage.

My husband actually isn't like this. He's a very forgetful person but he pretty much drums one thing to do into his own head each night. He also gets up from the dinner table and immediately clears/does dishes while I do bath time. His philosophy is that he can't forget if he does it right away. I think that if you give him tasks that a repeating and have a specific time to do them, he might do better and you might feel less like you have to nag.