Do immediate siblings ever exchange gifts between “just them” - leaving out spouses/kids?

[Anonymous]

Every year SIL wants to exchange gifts between “just the sibling” and buy a communal gift from “just the siblings”, excluding me and my other SIL and our kids. Every year DH says, without fail, “no, Larla. DW and I will be giving a gift to our parents and from us to you and your family.” There is no suggestion of what DD or I would like, the communication is “if we’re just exchanging gifts between us, our limit is X.”

This year she suggested “just the siblings” pay for a small renovation on my IL’s house (a $600 job split between 3 adults) and DH flat out said no. I don’t understand the meaning of this, because I would still have to buy an additional gift for my IL’s or is she trying to make me look/feel cut out from her family? I don’t know. Do other families exchange gifts between just the immediate family, not including their in-laws?

I’m trying to ignore it, but not going to lie that it hurts a little; mainly because it feels like she doesn’t see DD and I as part of their family. DD is DH’s daughter too. We’ve been married 5 years. This is the fifth year she’s said this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we do. But we aren't exchanging in front of people, gifts are mailed.

In my family it has always been a thing since we were kids. Then we started it back up as adults, only 2 out of 4 of us were married with kids. It really isn't fair for the single aunt and single uncle to buy gifts for everyone.


Sometimes we get a communal gift for my parents, but it does include inlaws.

[Anonymous]

I think it is weird to exclude the kids but not the in laws.

My DH doesn't really know my brothers. I think its a little weird that your collective sibs gift isn't from the collective families. But when I give gifts to my brothers it is just to them. I do usually get some token thing for my SIL but my brothers don't get anything for DH. He doesn't care.

We're adults. Christmas is about the kids at this point. All adult gifts are just extras.

So very weird that your kids are all excluded but that is the red flag not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird to exclude the kids but not the in laws.

My DH doesn't really know my brothers. I think its a little weird that your collective sibs gift isn't from the collective families. But when I give gifts to my brothers it is just to them. I do usually get some token thing for my SIL but my brothers don't get anything for DH. He doesn't care.

We're adults. Christmas is about the kids at this point. All adult gifts are just extras.

So very weird that your kids are all excluded but that is the red flag not you.

Right? And they all open/exchange gifts as a family in the evening of Christmas, so it feels a little weird each year that she continually wants to exchange gifts between just the immediate family and exclude spouses/kids. So that means the extended family would sit there and watch them exchange gifts with just each other.

[Anonymous]

Actually, we have moved to only giving gifts to the kids under 21. We are traveling and celebrating together. That's what the adults get. If there is a particular gift that you found at some point that is ideal for a particular adult, you get it and give it, but there's no obligation to give a gift to the other adults and we certainly don't give the ubiquitous gift card just to give a gift.

[Anonymous]

Is your SIL unmarried? She may feel excluded and wanting to hang onto being a member of a nuclear family. And if she’s used to being the bossy sister, she’s having a hard time recalibrating, now that her brother answers to a higher authority.

It’s not a hill to die on, if your DH decided to go along. You could get something for your ILs and for the cousins from you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your SIL unmarried? She may feel excluded and wanting to hang onto being a member of a nuclear family. And if she’s used to being the bossy sister, she’s having a hard time recalibrating, now that her brother answers to a higher authority.

It’s not a hill to die on, if your DH decided to go along. You could get something for your ILs and for the cousins from you and the kids.

She’s married and has kids.

[Anonymous]

Yep! Me and my sisters give eachother gifts but never couple gifts or for the spouses. Always have and not spouse has ever complained or felt sad.
OUr parents get us all 'couple' gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your SIL unmarried? She may feel excluded and wanting to hang onto being a member of a nuclear family. And if she’s used to being the bossy sister, she’s having a hard time recalibrating, now that her brother answers to a higher authority.

It’s not a hill to die on, if your DH decided to go along. You could get something for your ILs and for the cousins from you and the kids.

She’s married and has kids.

So what does she do about her husband and kids? Does she expect a gift from you or give one to you? Does she also get a gift to her parents from her husband and kids?

We do a $100 gift exchange with all siblings, spouses and the grandparents. Each person buys 1 gift instead of 8, which is awesome. Kids get gifts under $50, closer to $20. One gift per couple, including grandparents.
So my kids max out at 4 gifts which feels abundant to them but not overwhelming to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your SIL unmarried? She may feel excluded and wanting to hang onto being a member of a nuclear family. And if she’s used to being the bossy sister, she’s having a hard time recalibrating, now that her brother answers to a higher authority.

It’s not a hill to die on, if your DH decided to go along. You could get something for your ILs and for the cousins from you and the kids.

She’s married and has kids.

So what does she do about her husband and kids? Does she expect a gift from you or give one to you? Does she also get a gift to her parents from her husband and kids?

We do a $100 gift exchange with all siblings, spouses and the grandparents. Each person buys 1 gift instead of 8, which is awesome. Kids get gifts under $50, closer to $20. One gift per couple, including grandparents.
So my kids max out at 4 gifts which feels abundant to them but not overwhelming to me.

She exchanges gifts with her husband and kids separately. Then as a family, they all get together (spouses and kids included) and exchange gifts as an extended family.

So what she’s suggesting is to continually leave out her siblings spouses and children from the exchange and just exchange gifts between and for siblings and parents.

I really don’t care about receiving gifts personally - it’s not about the gifts for me, what my concern is that she expects her family to exchange gifts in front of everyone who will also be left out. “Here mom and Dad, us and the siblings got this gift for you!” And the spouses and kids are supposed to just sit there and not be included.

My DH thinks it’s weird hence why he tells her every year it’s not ok. I guess I think it’s weird to exchange gifts in front of people who you have deliberately made an effort to leave out.

[Anonymous]

Why not start an exchange with the inlaws? If it bothered me that much my BIL and I would exchange gifts, and it would be fun gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your SIL unmarried? She may feel excluded and wanting to hang onto being a member of a nuclear family. And if she’s used to being the bossy sister, she’s having a hard time recalibrating, now that her brother answers to a higher authority.

It’s not a hill to die on, if your DH decided to go along. You could get something for your ILs and for the cousins from you and the kids.

She’s married and has kids.

So what does she do about her husband and kids? Does she expect a gift from you or give one to you? Does she also get a gift to her parents from her husband and kids?

We do a $100 gift exchange with all siblings, spouses and the grandparents. Each person buys 1 gift instead of 8, which is awesome. Kids get gifts under $50, closer to $20. One gift per couple, including grandparents.
So my kids max out at 4 gifts which feels abundant to them but not overwhelming to me.

She exchanges gifts with her husband and kids separately. Then as a family, they all get together (spouses and kids included) and exchange gifts as an extended family.

So what she’s suggesting is to continually leave out her siblings spouses and children from the exchange and just exchange gifts between and for siblings and parents.

I really don’t care about receiving gifts personally - it’s not about the gifts for me, what my concern is that she expects her family to exchange gifts in front of everyone who will also be left out. “Here mom and Dad, us and the siblings got this gift for you!” And the spouses and kids are supposed to just sit there and not be included.

My DH thinks it’s weird hence why he tells her every year it’s not ok. I guess I think it’s weird to exchange gifts in front of people who you have deliberately made an effort to leave out.

I guess i just don't care enough. My DH family does this, the 3 of them went in on a new TV for the inlaws. We still give a small gift from us and the kids. I really don't care if my name is on a tv or not. IL know our money is joint so any money DH gave for the TV, I, by extension also gave.

Who really cares?

[Anonymous]

It's weird she's being so vocal about how some ppl are in and some are out, since I am sure your parents wouldn't think, like, "oh ONLY our kids got this for us." I would think that many parents see their kids and the spouses as extensions of the kids so Younger Group gave a gift to Older Parents. You know? I would need to know more to speculate on why she feels that generation of adults need to be split.

My DH and kid normally sign cards from all of us, but depending on the gift, it's clear who it's from. Like lord knows my husband didn't pick out lululemon leggings for my sister. And my dad will know I didn't think to get him a vintage car coffee table book. So it's never occurred to me to be super clear about stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to tell his sister he'd like to go in on a gift, but that it's from his family, not just him. Does his sister's husband give his parents a separate gift?

[Anonymous]

You are making too big of deal out of this.