Spending lunch time in the cafeteria

[Anonymous]

I found out a couple weeks ago that my 13 year old DS spends his lunch time in the library because he has no one to sit with at lunch. He was sort of hiding it from me for a while but then finally admitted it. This makes me so sad. We’re new to the area so I’m blaming myself because we moved. Is there anything I can do as a mom to help him? Will making some mom fiends through the PTA help him make friends? He’s a nice, friendly and funny kid. Says no one is bullying him, it’s just that everyone has their own group already. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

This is really tough, OP. My son (12) was in the same boat a year ago after we moved here from overseas. The thing that saved him was getting on a non-school sports team that had a lot of kids from his grade. He saw them a few times a week for training and they introduced him to more kids. It took a year though for him to make real friends. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

You can not solve this for a teenager. What I will tell you, as a former kid who spent all her lunch periods in the library, is that he is not alone there.

I am an introvert but did not know it as a child. I liked the library because it was calm and quiet. There were maybe 10-12 kids who'd cycle through. Sometimes they just wanted to print something but sometimes they'd hang out.

Tell him to keep an eye out for the other library kids and make friends with them.

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to fix this by joining clubs or groups that are interesting to him. Then he gets to meet kids with similar interests.

[Anonymous]

I did this. And yes it was because I didn't really have friends. But just so you don't worry (from a Mom to a Mom), I also wasn't unhappy or depressed. I am telling you this because I do think *sometimes* you can be a "loner" and still be happy. I know I was.

[Anonymous]

Is he sad or upset about it? If he's not then leave it alone for now and just monitor the situation. Sometimes, as parents we upset our children more than the situation itself. To me, it really says something that he didn't mention it because he didn't want to upset you not that he was upset. For now, he's found a workable solution.

Although I do find it odd that the school allows this. At our my dd's middle school, they are assigned tables to sit at just so no one feels left out and they can rotate as the year progresses.

At the next teacher conference or the next time you speak to the guidance counselor, mention it and see what the policy is. But in reality, my dd has some friends that would probably love to spend lunchtime in the library because it is quiet and away from all the drama. My dd loves being in the middle of it all but some students are just more reserved and need that calmness in the midst of their day.

Just be supportive and don't act like it's the end of the world, try to monitor the situation as the school year progresses. Encourage him to get to know others outside of school and in school clubs and in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he sad or upset about it? If he's not then leave it alone for now and just monitor the situation. Sometimes, as parents we upset our children more than the situation itself. To me, it really says something that he didn't mention it because he didn't want to upset you not that he was upset. For now, he's found a workable solution.

Although I do find it odd that the school allows this. At our my dd's middle school, they are assigned tables to sit at just so no one feels left out and they can rotate as the year progresses.

At the next teacher conference or the next time you speak to the guidance counselor, mention it and see what the policy is. But in reality, my dd has some friends that would probably love to spend lunchtime in the library because it is quiet and away from all the drama. My dd loves being in the middle of it all but some students are just more reserved and need that calmness in the midst of their day.

Just be supportive and don't act like it's the end of the world, try to monitor the situation as the school year progresses. Encourage him to get to know others outside of school and in school clubs and in the neighborhood.

+1. My stepson was like this in high school and it bothered me more than him. While I think he would have preferred to be at a table with classmates, because that was what seemed "normal", he was also okay with not being at the table.

But if your DS *is* sad/upset about it, I like the advice about speaking to the counselor. He's most likely not the only one and he/she may be able to strategically work it out with some others.

It is hard to break into these groups. My DS went to a MS where he was one of just a few from his ES (the vast majority of his ES was zoned for a different MS) and it was quite centered on established groups. But I think it is harder for us as moms to hear about these things. Sometimes I wish I could go back to what I thought were problems -- sleeping through the night, toilet training. This stuff is harder!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for the replies. The previous poster is correct about it upsetting me more than him and he knows this. He’s telling me that he’s fine about it and prefers it that way because the other kids “use curse words too much” and say “dirty jokes” and he’s just not into that. Another part of me then tells me that even if it did bother him he wouldn’t tell me as to not upset me. I have been trying to be more “cool” about things when he tells me and not let my emotions show so that he can talk freely to me. I will be signing him up for soccer in the spring so hopefully that’ll help. I’m also surprised that the library allows food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out a couple weeks ago that my 13 year old DS spends his lunch time in the library because he has no one to sit with at lunch. He was sort of hiding it from me for a while but then finally admitted it. This makes me so sad. We’re new to the area so I’m blaming myself because we moved. Is there anything I can do as a mom to help him? Will making some mom fiends through the PTA help him make friends? He’s a nice, friendly and funny kid. Says no one is bullying him, it’s just that everyone has their own group already. Any suggestions?

I’m so sorry to hear this. Be grateful that he opened up to you and told you. Try not to make too big of a deal of it but do what you can to help him. First of all you should casually mention it to someone at the school but ask for them to keep confidence. Secondly is this public or private? Try to meet some people and get involved ASAP and reach out and start inviting kids and families to do things. You are new and will have to make an effort.

[Anonymous]

Does he play a sport, did he join a club, play an instrument... anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Encourage him to fix this by joining clubs or groups that are interesting to him. Then he gets to meet kids with similar interests.

This is what he has to do. The best way to meet kids and make new friends at this age is first to engage in a common activity. The friendship builds out of the routine of being in the same place doing the same things frequently. They will start to talk to each other after a few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can not solve this for a teenager. What I will tell you, as a former kid who spent all her lunch periods in the library, is that he is not alone there.

I am an introvert but did not know it as a child. I liked the library because it was calm and quiet. There were maybe 10-12 kids who'd cycle through. Sometimes they just wanted to print something but sometimes they'd hang out.

Tell him to keep an eye out for the other library kids and make friends with them.

yes. My son is between friend groups now and I told him to look for other kids who don't already have a group and make friends with those kids. It's a good life skill actually.

[Anonymous]

I am a middle school librarian. We have many kids who spend lunchtime in the library for various reasons. Middle school can be a tough place and I maintain the library as a room where everyone can get a little peace during the day. The children know it is fine to be in the room without being part of a 'group.' Some are studying, some are reading, some are working on projects, and some are hiding out. All are welcome and the library is advertised as a safe zone for the students. My major rules are 'no food, maintain a quiet atmosphere, and respect for all.' I occasionally even have students who ask if they can sit in the back office area (behind a half-wall, but no door; private, but not closed off) because they're having a 'moment' where they need a quiet place to process whatever drama is happening in the moment. I've had some of the most 'popular' kids in here seeking a brief reprieve from the social pressures of the lunchtime cafeteria.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that maybe he can sit with someone in the library... If there is a kid who he sees there every day, could he ask to joint them?

[Anonymous]

Are there any clubs that meet during lunch?