Spending lunch time in the cafeteria

[Anonymous]

Definitely sign him up for soccer in the spring. For right now, try to get him to join some after-school clubs. Also, your geographic area probably has rec league basketball. Even if he doesn't like basketball it might be a good way for him to meet some other kids. If you belong to a church, then have him join the youth group. Finding some tangential relationships may help at school. While I am glad he is happy in the library, you don't want that to be the only way he sees himself and for him to back himself into a corner for his rep. I am a middle school teacher. Sometimes we need to give kids a boost so that they get more opportunities to explore who they are and who others are.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thank you again for the kind replies! So in speaking with him more about it, in a very calm, matter of fact way, he is revealing to me, in bits and pieces, that he is in fact bothered by this, and it's embarrassing and he doesn't want to be "a sob story with no friends". He really has a very sociable personality, he's smart and funny, I don't understand why its like this. He says he is friendly with kids in class, they interact, but at lunchtime its like they don't even know him. Anyway, I found out that spring soccer was open so I signed up. He says it's too late to join any club. We don't belong in a church. I've encouraged him to seek out other library kids and to make an extra effort with any kid that seems open to a new friendship. I guess I have to take some of your advice and let him figure this out while doing what I can.

[Anonymous]

He should join stage crew. Low pressure, nice kids.

In the meanwhile, he is not alone in the library. Friendships take time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much for the replies. The previous poster is correct about it upsetting me more than him and he knows this. He’s telling me that he’s fine about it and prefers it that way because the other kids “use curse words too much” and say “dirty jokes” and he’s just not into that. Another part of me then tells me that even if it did bother him he wouldn’t tell me as to not upset me. I have been trying to be more “cool” about things when he tells me and not let my emotions show so that he can talk freely to me. I will be signing him up for soccer in the spring so hopefully that’ll help. I’m also surprised that the library allows food.

I don't think my nervous energy helped my kid when I got upset about these things when he was not as upset. He'd tell you to stop trying to fix what isn't broken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He says it's too late to join any club.

Double check with the school to see if there are activities that run for part of the year. Our PTSA runs the afterschool program and is enrolling now for afterschool activities starting in January. These may be different than year-long clubs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He says it's too late to join any club.

The school counselor may be able to help you find a club or two for him to join.

He could tell the kids when he joins that his mom said he couldn't join any clubs at the start of the year to see how he did academically at a new school (i.e. blame it on your) and now that he kept his grades up he's allowed to join (or some excuse like that)

[Anonymous]

Give it time, OP. He’s young and new and hasn’t made friends yet.

[Anonymous]

For high school, there is some app that helps people find someone to eat with during lunch. I don’t know exactly how it works, but I think there are probably kids who volunteer to be a host and then other kids know they will be welcomed at a table. This may not work at the middle school level because so many kids don’t use phones at that age, but it does show this lunch thing is a big deal that people try to fix. I don’t think it would be amiss for you to sit with a counselor to brainstorm ideas to address this — like maybe have one of the schoolwide counseling talks be about reaching out new people to join you for lunch. My 6th grade kid would be the type of kid to respond to that kind of talk and possibly get up the gumption to invite someone who looks alone to sit at his table. He would also be the type to do so if a counselor quietly mentioned it to him privately. Kids just assume other kids are doing what they want to do, not that they are being excluded and feeling lonely. Best of luck with this. I know it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For high school, there is some app that helps people find someone to eat with during lunch. I don’t know exactly how it works, but I think there are probably kids who volunteer to be a host and then other kids know they will be welcomed at a table. This may not work at the middle school level because so many kids don’t use phones at that age, but it does show this lunch thing is a big deal that people try to fix. I don’t think it would be amiss for you to sit with a counselor to brainstorm ideas to address this — like maybe have one of the schoolwide counseling talks be about reaching out new people to join you for lunch. My 6th grade kid would be the type of kid to respond to that kind of talk and possibly get up the gumption to invite someone who looks alone to sit at his table. He would also be the type to do so if a counselor quietly mentioned it to him privately. Kids just assume other kids are doing what they want to do, not that they are being excluded and feeling lonely. Best of luck with this. I know it’s hard.

yes, absolutely! All three of my kids would welcome another kid with no reservations. Lots of kids would, they are just not "aware" of their surroundings. I will tell you that my son started 6th grade with no friends. He did not know where to sit and saw a couple of kids from his band class at a table. He sat down and they have been sitting together for six years now. They have been best friends ever since. I remember him being very anxious about lunch time. I told him to find a familiar face and sit with them. If it does not work try another.

[Anonymous]

Argh. So sorry. Do you know any of the parents at all? I've had my son and other kids I know look out for other kids at lunchtime. Even specifically said - make sure so and so has someone to sit with at lunch and wave them over if not. I have never had a kid give me any sort of backlash - they all seem very open to it and understanding. Sometimes the kid stays with the group, sometimes they make other friends and switch. But, it has worked out well. I've also hooked kids up with other kids if they aren't like my kid so much (similar interest).

As some others have suggested - if you don't know any parents - try the counselor. But, really kids are much more open to new kids then it appears. They all get in their routines and ruts just like us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this. And yes it was because I didn't really have friends. But just so you don't worry (from a Mom to a Mom), I also wasn't unhappy or depressed. I am telling you this because I do think *sometimes* you can be a "loner" and still be happy. I know I was.

NP. Thank you for writing this as it's sometimes hard to see this side.

I am an extrovert and loved my large lunchtime table of friends in the MS and HS years (we did not have open or whole school lunch at same time, so everyone was in the lunch room), yet my DS is the exact opposite, a quiet introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He says it's too late to join any club.

Double check with the school to see if there are activities that run for part of the year. Our PTSA runs the afterschool program and is enrolling now for afterschool activities starting in January. These may be different than year-long clubs.

That is nuts!

[Anonymous]

When he says it is too late to sign up for clubs, are you sure he does not mean that he is just uncomfortable starting mid year? Clubs at our middle school are pretty laid back.