divorce + crush

[Anonymous]

I'm dealing with a very hostile divorce. It's taken more than a year with no end in sight. I think I'm coping as best I can. I'm too overwhelmed to try to date. I'm not mentally there in part because want to spend all the time and energy I have with my DC.

The embarrassing part of this is that there is a long-ago infatuation I never was able to get to know due to marriage primarily. I think the basis of this is far more fantasy than reality. It's still upsetting. I found out via social media that the crush is divorcing and his/her spouse is really shocked and angry.

I'm pretty upset about it. Any tips to get over something like this? I really want to stop idealizing this person. I haven't talked to anyone about it - it really does sound stupid. My therapist just thought it's fine to have a fantasy figure given all I'm dealing with. I doubt I revealed adequately how upsetting this all is.

I have focused on my child, my own life and personal development, self-care, etc. It's still very upsetting I have had such difficulty getting over this infatuation.

[Anonymous]

Got for it! You’ll need something to do on those nights you don’t have your kids. Perfect time to commiserate and take comfort with your crush!! GL

[Anonymous]

i think the crush had an affair or something. Who knows. We have no shared network and I have no idea except for what I've seen on social. It does sound like that. That's partly why I'm upset.

[Anonymous]

Do you know this crush from your commute by chance?

[Anonymous]

No - lol do you think you might be the crush???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No - lol do you think you might be the crush???

I'm not your crush, but I'm interested.

[Anonymous]

I am in a thus far amicable divorce. I find myself fantasizing about old crushes. It is pure escapism; wanting to be in a good, happy relationship instead of at the end of a failed one. It is also fear of being alone. It's probably harmless, and you'll get over it when the process finally comes to an end.

[Anonymous]

He could be a nice FWB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He could be a nice FWB.

Or, he could be your soulmate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with a very hostile divorce. It's taken more than a year with no end in sight. I think I'm coping as best I can. I'm too overwhelmed to try to date. I'm not mentally there in part because want to spend all the time and energy I have with my DC.

The embarrassing part of this is that there is a long-ago infatuation I never was able to get to know due to marriage primarily. I think the basis of this is far more fantasy than reality. It's still upsetting. I found out via social media that the crush is divorcing and his/her spouse is really shocked and angry.

I'm pretty upset about it. Any tips to get over something like this? I really want to stop idealizing this person. I haven't talked to anyone about it - it really does sound stupid. My therapist just thought it's fine to have a fantasy figure given all I'm dealing with. I doubt I revealed adequately how upsetting this all is.

I have focused on my child, my own life and personal development, self-care, etc. It's still very upsetting I have had such difficulty getting over this infatuation.

Careful with this one. My advice, having been divorced already...focus on yourself. Get your own shop (mental and physical) in order. Eat right, exercise, etc. You're useless if you are not strong. Once you feel like you're in a better spot, I have no issues reaching out to the guy and telling him "hey, I see you're going through something similar as I - let me know if you want to hang out to talk." I think it's a perfect foray into something else. What that something else is the tricky part. You have an emotional void and you'll be looking to fill it and your infatuation with the guy makes me think you're going to fall for him. Manage your expectations...if it's strictly physical, go for it, screw him, etc. If you think it can develop into a soulmate kind of thing (in your eyes), tread carefully b/c he's going through something similar.

[Anonymous]

OP Although nothing ever happened with him long ago I had the sense there were shared feelings. Now I guess I'm more upset that it sounds like he had an affair and that is what led him to move on to divorce. It is ridiculous to feel that way about it.

I am thinking about this too much, but certainly focusing on improving my situation. I have a lot to deal with. It's not really an "escapist" fantasy. It's upsetting.

[Anonymous]

What if it is just a fantasy? What's your back-up plan if the crush evaporates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am thinking about this too much, but certainly focusing on improving my situation. I have a lot to deal with. It's not really an "escapist" fantasy.

You admit you're in a bad situation. You admit you're having a fantasy. But you insist it's not an escapist fantasy. So what kind of fantasy is it?

[Anonymous]

I have idealized him I'm sure, but I am not spending time dreaming about a fake relationship that doesn't exist. Does that make sense?

When I confessed a little about this to the therapist, she said given all I have to deal she fully supports a fantasy figure to think about, and she said it's hard to know what's going on on his end because there are also professional reasons why we are not in touch.

I said I don't want a fantasy figure, I just want to know what is going on. It's upsetting to see the posts about the situation on his end. I probably did idealize him and would like more information - seems like the best way to get over this.

I have posted about this before. If he really wanted me to know his situation has changed, I'm sure he could have figured out an appropriate way to let me know. I'm sad about that part of it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m not understanding why this is so upsetting. Having a crush is normal. His divorce/affair/whatever has absolutely nothing to do with you. You’re not in contact, and aren’t a part of each other’s lives.

Is it the fact that there is a part of you that fantasizes about being with him still? Or the fact that his possible affair makes more real the possibility that he was interested in an extramarital affair all those years ago with you, and it’s making you feel unsettled?

Honestly, I cannot guess why you are upset about the end of this person’s marriage, or why you want more information. How does it relate to you on any way?